Hi everyone, I’ve been away from the forum for a little while but you all have been much on my mind. My wife and I separated last November and have been living apart since then. We still see each other about once a week. I still love her and often long to be back together with her. My exploration of my gay feelings hasn’t gone too well. I’ve had a few experiments with mixed results. I just don’t really want to go there — it always feels forced. I’m totally free now but I can’t seem to do it. I’ve made dating profiles but I don’t pursue them. I’m procrastinating. I know I’m still in love with my wife, and at some level I still imagine we could make it work. I’ve been seeing a shrink who is gay and we’ve gone back and forth on this issue. I think about her often and miss her frequently. It seems I have two options: try to fully cut the cord with my wife, and force myself to date men, or try to reestablish a relationship with her. Both of these options fill me with anxiety and dread. I guess I’m afraid that if I find a guy I like and am able to have sex with, that will finally confirm the thing I have feared my whole life — that I’m gay. When I’m with my wife I usually feel happy and comfortable, but now that I’ve opened this can of worms I don’t know if there is any going back. The bottom line is that I am still deeply uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t know how to relate to other people without being confident in my own sexuality, one way or the other. I feel like I am in some kind of deep denial — like the facts are obviously in front of me, but I can’t or won’t accept them. I don’t know how to move past that; it seems like it’s outside of my conscious control. Can anyone relate?
Hey Nerdbrain. I remember your posts and your history. Correct me if I am wrong.you are now on the fence. Hooking up with men may or not be sexually pleasing, but you seem a very romantic guy and you miss the romance you have with your wife. I've been in love three/four times with guys. Compared to the number of guys i've meet in class, sports,etc...it is a ridicilous amount. What I am trying to say is that love doesn't happen very frecuently, and I get what you are saying of looking for sex feeling forced. This is mainly because in the straigth world people tend to meet by friends, work, etc... and less by an internet profile. Also they are encouraged to date and not to feel ashamed, just opposite of gay folks. Having said that. if you feel that you ended your relationship because you missed something. I encourage you to understand what is exactly. you said you feared the possibilty of being gay. try to end with this this fear. Little by little. Don't be offended, but I think you miss more the routine and the friendship you had with your wife than you are being totally in love with her, romantically and sexually. Give yourself more time. Think about what you would really want if there weren't any external influences or pressures. For the record, It took me two/three years to accept me completely, and I am younger than you with an accepting environment. So this is why I'm saying to be patient. If you need more time to figure it, you need more time to figure out whatever your gay/bi/ or straight. We cannot really give you meaningful. advice, because this is journey is personal, or, as Rambo said, "This is not my war", but we are happy to listen to you and to help you. My only "advice" is to keep exploring and questioning yourself.
Hi Nerdbrain - I can't relate to your experiences as I am female & straight. I'm on this forum to seek answers and understand my hubby, who I believe is bisexual. May I ask you some questions? Who's choice was it to separate, yours or your wife? Did she have any inclination that you may be bi or gay? What was her reaction when you told her? When you were married, did you pursue any activities with men? If you re-establish a relationship with your wife, will you pursue men? And if so, would you feel guilty doing so?
Thanks Danielo. Your insight is much appreciated. I usually defer to Rambo on most topics, and this is no exception I guess I've always sought to "confirm" that I'm gay by having some satisfying sexual experiences with real-world guys outside my fantasy life. I've never had a problem separating love and sex with women. But for some reason I'm just not comfortable with the idea of quick hookups with guys. I feel like a blushing virgin who needs to be treated gently, and that feeling makes me very uncomfortable and ashamed. I'm an adult man after all! ---------- Post added 14th Jun 2015 at 08:36 PM ---------- Thelma, You can find my earlier posts here on EC by clicking my username. The short version is that I've suspected I might be gay since I was about 18 but lived a relatively active hetero lifestyle. I had occasional gay sexual fantasies which were pretty intense, but also lots of straight fantasy and masturbation. I told my wife about my feelings a few months after we started dating and we split up briefly. At the time, I went to see a specialist in obsessive-compulsive disorders who suggested I might have HOCD (homosexual OCD), essentially an irrational obsession with the idea that I might be gay, no different than another OCD sufferer's irrational obsession that he/she might have caught a flesh-eating disease from touching a doorknob. The point being that it had nothing to do with sexuality at all, but rather was an anxiety disorder. Since I was clearly obsessed with the topic and hadn't had any significant homo experiences, this made sense and I went along with it. My wife and I got back together and were married in 2013. The feelings never went away, and last year I decided I needed to truly explore the matter, so I moved out. It was a very difficult situation. In retrospect, I think it was good for her since today she seems to be really thriving. I had some half-hearted experimentation but now I'm kind of stuck. Internally, I'm not at peace with it. I can't seem to rationalize my history of feelings for women and the sporadic nature of my gay fantasies into a cohesive identity. I never cheated on my wife; on the contrary I found safety and comfort in the relationship. I don't know if we can ever get back together, but I would not attempt an "open" marriage situation as you describe. I don't think that can really be satisfying for either partner. Anyway, there are a lot of resources out there for women in your situation, which I'm sure you've seen. Happy to point you in that direction if you want. I can sense your hunger to understand the problem, but I think you may be barking up the wrong tree here on EmptyClosets. Your basic issue has more to do with openness and honesty in the relationship at this point. Somehow you need to talk to your husband -- obviously, easier said than done. If you can manage it, you might try going away for awhile to create a bit of space for yourself. It's hard to deal with something like this when you are living with the person in question. The bottom line is that, while there are probably a few truly bisexual guys married to women, the vast majority eventually realize they are gay. This is precisely why I wanted to separate from my wife -- I didn't want to waste her time when the odds of things working out successfully are so low. Good luck to you.
Nerdbrain, I am curious, what has not gone well when you have been with guys? Maybe you simply have not yet found your comfort zone both in terms of personal chemistry as well as physical sexual activities? Your comment on your experimentation is not detailed enough to understand what the specific issues are. Also, it seems you have considered maybe you are procrastinating because your now out of your comfort zone, and with your wife, although you might not had come to terms with your feelings, you were actually comfortable in that environment. Your suggesting as much. And if that's the case, is the prior relationship keeping you from fully opening up to and exploring? Taken together, maybe cutting the cord might be what's needed. I can understand there is risk with cutting the court: What if I do not find someone? What if I always compare someone to my wife? What if I wind up alone? Am I good enough for someone else? But with risk, there are potential rewwards: living authentically, being whom your supposed to be, find the right person to share your life with, and most importantly, being happy and content But as the saying goes, you will not know until you try. And sometimes, you need to just make the plunge. I had similar debates with myself and frequently doubted myself. I imagined I had blinders on, just as a horse does at the racetrack. The blinders only allowed me to see forward. Once the gate was opened, I ran as fast as I could always looking forward, never looking sideways our backwards. I started the race and I needed to finish it.
I don't agree that there is 'no going back', not going by what you have shared here. The grass is always greener on the unexplored side. I, too, have a deep desire to finally satisfy that curiosity I have had since my teens, to know what it's like to be sexual with a guy. But looking at what is quoted above, it appears to me that what you already have, is far more valuable than the satisfaction of curiosity. We don't have to satisfy every single desire we have in life. Sometimes we have to simply choose what is most important to us. And if I truly loved a woman, and if she loved me back, I can tell you my curiousity regarding gay sex would get put into the same category as scaling Mount Everest - something I would like to try, but really the risk to life, and thus the risk that in pursuing that desire my kids could be deprived of their dad - means that I choose not to put my life at risk in that way. Not *all* desires *have* to be fulfilled. Sometimes we have to choose what is most important to us in life. You still love this woman, and usually feel happy and comfortable around her. I say you are lucky to have this. I've never had this. Not all at once, in any case. I'd be down on my knees with a dozen roses and asking her to take me back. Please don't think I'm telling you to do this. Just sharing how I would feel, if I loved a woman and she actually loved me back.
Nerdbrain, you are younger than some of us, but still on the trailing edge of a world that was quite hostile to exploring your sexuality as a young teen. You should have explored this while you were younger, so that you could be as confident in your decision as possible, before making a lifelong commitment to a heterosexual marriage. But you didn't. I "get" that. You are in the same boat as millions of other men, some of whom divorce, some of whom reconcile, most of whom just muddle along the rest of their lives not knowing whether they made the right choice, because they don't know what the right choice was with any certainty. That is the dilemma that comes from not residing at one far end of the Kinsey scale or the other. Yes, I can relate, but I can't tell you what the right thing for you to do is. Should you do the delayed exploration of a gay lifestyle now, while estranged from your wife? Looking at it pragmatically, the worms have already crawled out of the can; you can't undo that event. The question you have to ask yourself is, was it for any good purpose or not? Have your resolved what your sexuality is or not? It seems like you have not done that and are afraid to do so, for fear that what you might find is a truth you are unwilling to accept. MY only suggestion is for you to think about that position; why would you want to avoid knowing what the truth is; the truth will tell you what is right for you, whether it is a reconciliation with your wife, or a separation to free her and yourself to live the kind of life you were born to. This seems to be the opportunity moment to answer the "Am I gay" question that upsets you, whether you are and don't want to be, or aren't, and have messed things up with your wife obsessing about it. You need to be "confident in your sexuality", in your own words. That sort of suggests you already know what you need to do.
