Came out to wife and family

Hi MikeM66
First off - congratulations on coming to terms with who you are and being honest with yourself and your family. It takes a man with some pretty big balls to do this - I totally understand how you feel as I came out to my wife of 23 years in March 2015. Same thing - shock, sadness, anger, etc., have been the emotions that we have both felt along this journey.
It does get better - many people on this site have great advice and you have come to the right place for support. Many friends I know who are gay have told me it gets better. And, yes, there are some pretty big hurdles you have to overcome but in the end you should be able to get up every day and look yourself in the mirror and say that you are an honest person, you have integrity, and you are still the same good guy that you were before.
Keep in mind, that it took you 20+ years to come to terms with being gay. Try to remember that as you tell others and they react differently. A good friend of mine told me this: You have to let your family come out too... just because you came out and are comfortable doesn't mean your family and friends are ready to come out - they have to come out as well along with you.... so it does take time.
Regarding your other family members - just be honest and know that not everyone will hug you and tell you how happy they are for you. If, along the way people / family do not support you then you need to be prepared to move on. My gay bud also told me that I needed to mentally prepared to lose mutual friends and family once I came out. I expect that is going to happen to me and it has happened to so many others.
Remember that this is a journey not a destination. You are starting a new life. Some days for me and my wife are great. Some days are not so good. Just keep reminding your wife that you love her, that you are her partner, that you will not abandon her and then make sure you prove it to her.
For me - read my post as I've written about my journey - in fact, I'm about to post in the morning the mountain I climbed today with my wife regarding me moving out and buying a townhouse.
Hang in there ... it really will get better...

 

Are there any lgbt support groups or meet ups in your area? It might be a good place to start getting support. Good luck!

 

Mike, I have never been in your situation, so I can't speak from personal experience but I will say here and now that I am proud of you for having the courage and determination to do this. I have the same respect and admiration for all of the guys and girls on this part of EC who have been married + kids and make the incredibly hard decision to do what feels right. It's a big price to pay, but the fact that you all do it says a lot about the emotional rollercoaster you have been on.

I'm really sorry your in-laws were horrible and unkind, but don't lose hope completely. Your wife has been supportive and your kids were great. Nobody is more important than these people on your journey. If the in-laws see that you retain the support of their daughter and grandchildren they may, in time, come round.

It does take time for people to accept and come to terms with things after we come out. Very few people are able to sit impassively without a second thought when we tell them. In just the same way as we need time to reach a point of self acceptance, they need time to process everything too. It's to be expected really, so don't assume that the first reaction will be the final reaction.. from anybody.

The thought of telling your own family is scary, but don't rush into it. When the time comes have the contact details for PFLAG to hand, as they can offer help, support and guidance to your parents and family immediately afterwards.

We have a few good members who have been through the same process as you Mike and they may add their personal thoughts and opinions in the days and weeks ahead, so do re-visit this thread and look at the many other threads in this part of the forum. Also check out the resources page (see the tab at the top of the page).

You've done really well, so give yourself some credit and stick around here as you continue your journey. We can help.

 

The last thing you should worry about on your journey are the in laws. The most important people to have told were your wife and kids, and those seemed to have gone as well as they possibly could.

My in laws similarly shut me out initially. They did so out of concern for my ex wife. Gradually, over time, they too have been coming around however.

Last week was my daughters graduation. Everyone was in attendance, and while initially there was some tension, within a matter of minutes everyone relaxed and had a good time at the post graduation celebration. More so, my kid's uncles (been trying to figure out what to call former brother in laws) and I went out together afterwords and shared a few drinks and caught up. It went really well.

As for your parents, they are not your in laws. Do not let your in laws discourage you. You are your parents child. They have your best interest at heart, whereas your in laws have their daughters best interest at heart.

 

@MikeM66, so many parallels with my own path to finally coming out 15 months ago. My relationship with my now ex-wife is strained but we have kept things civil in the interests of the kids (mine are 9 and 11 so a bit younger than yours). I've also not yet come out to the kids, though the three of us will be having lunch with my boyfriend on Father's Day to introduce them all. I have no idea what kind of reaction this will spark with my ex, but honestly I'm trying to just put that aside the best I can... which isn't easy and not entirely successful either.

We already exchanged lengthy emails a year ago about the prospects of the kids meeting a significant other with either of us. At the time our divorce was not yet final and she was stingingly bitter that I had met someone, although she had me take photos for dating web sites just two weeks after I came out, told me the day after I came out that as far as she was concerned the marriage meant nothing and was based on lies, and that she just wanted to hook up with someone to feel desired as a woman for a change. But I was the cheater in her opinion.

So here we are a year later, I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for well over a year, and it's time to move on with living. She has stated repeatedly she chooses to live solely for the kids, too busy taking care of them, planning activities for scouts, etc., no time to look for someone to date or anything like that. I'd imagine an article in the Catholic Herald at some point announcing her canonization.

Other than my kids and my boyfriend, I'm basically alone in life. My dad and I are estranged, he made it clear last spring after I came out that he "loved me in spite of my lifestyle" (love and in spite of are mutually exclusive concepts in my book); my sister and I barely interact though she claims to be "accepting".

I lived with the pain of rejection from my family since I first came out when I was 18 and had a boyfriend in college. I lived with the guilt of knowingly going into a straight marriage while hiding my true sexual orientation. I lived with the guilt of my own internal homophobia from years of indoctrination from church and family, from negative media images, and my own inability to accept myself as one of "those" people.

Once I finally accepted myself two years ago, I began to let go of the years of hurt and strive to live a better life true to myself and the people in my life. I learned that real family is forged not in DNA but in mutual respect. There are many people here at EC and out there elsewhere in the ether that I consider to have stronger family ties to me than my blood relations. I have a good friend at work who talked me out of my downward spiral before I accepted myself and began the process of coming out.

Sorry for getting a bit long-winded, but just remember this is your life to live to the best of your ability. You're wife and kids have reacted well and in-laws really don't matter that much for you. While the in-laws could introduce some tension with your wife and kids, unless they're the types to stir up family discord you can just leave them for your wife and only potentially interact with them in the future at family gatherings like graduations and weddings, venues where people are under social pressure to not create scenes even if they dislike you.

Best wishes on your journey.