I signed up for a Jewish queer event this Friday. It sounds pretty cool but I'm really scared. As some of you know the last event I went to went terribly. And most of the reasons it went so badly were inside my head. I mean yeah it started when some people were briefly somewhat rude to me but mostly it was me feeling lonely and rejected and sorry for myself and that's not going to change by Friday. There is absolutely no way I could take anyone with me. (The same goes for any event. I only have two friends who are not online friends, one of which I only see at work and one of which I only see a couple of times a year.) If it goes relatively well then it could make me feel better, but I don't think I can stand to feel like I felt this weekend again. I know people are going to tell me I should take risks but the last risk I took left me feeling suicidal (not that that is the fault of anyone else, it absolutely isn't, but that's what happened.) The event was Saturday and it's only today that I'm starting to feel like I can function. So sitting at home watching Orange is the New Black and playing Pokemon is looking more and more appealing.
When you go, try and force yourself to go up to people, and simply introduce yourself. Some will reciprocate, some may not. But throw yourself out there and see what happens. Having read your last posts, sometimes it's all about finding the right place with people that you can relate to and vice versa. And the only way to find out is to proactively engage with others.
Hi womaninamber, Please, if anything, no matter how trivial it seems, makes you feel suicidal please talk to someone. I've walked that path and it's garbage. I can relate to a lot of your othe experience too. I'd love to talk about it.
Are you a member of a synagogue? (If I recall correctly, you left an ultra-orthodox group when you divorced?) Maybe you could see if anyone from there is queer and might be going. A rabbi or lay leader might know someone involved in the group.
Thanks for continuing to share your story with us womaninamber. The first time I met a guy from CL, I was terrified. He seemed nice on email, but I had so much uncertainty and doubt in my head. Even though I was terrified, I forced myself to go because I did not want to die without knowing my true sexuality. I kept on reminding myself that I had to follow through on what I said I would do or the cost of failure would be greater (dying without finding my sexuality) Five years later I'm coming out, so great things can happen with baby steps. I would suggest that you find a compelling reason why you must go and reach out to people at the event. You may even want to set a goal for yourself of speaking with 3 other women. That is your definition of success for the event. If you happen to get a women's number, then that's gravy. But as long as you speak with 3 (or whatever number you choose), you can view the event was a success for you. This is the power of baby steps. Start small and build from there. If you begin to have doubts or fears at the event, remind yourself why of your compelling reason. For me the compelling reason is that I did not want to die without knowing my true sexuality. I'm sure that you must have a compelling reason that's meaningful to you. I've had 2 depressive episodes resulting from chronic anxiety/stress, so I understand the depressive feelings. If your mood gets bad please seek help from your mental health professionals. We want you here so that one day we'll read your post of having a GF (&&&)
hey Womaninamber, im sorry that your last experience went poorly. but one or a dozen experiences do not make a life. i suggest you go with an open mind, and shelter your heart because there are going to be "arseholes" everywhere you go. i hit that one my first social outing last year and it strung to be treated rudely, but i remind myself that ive been trough bigger and badder than that moron. and you have too sweetie. good luck and enjoy yourself, you deserve it.
If you can't go for yourself, could you go for us? I, for one, would like a report on what goes on at that event. The more details, the better. You could be our Harriet the Spy. (Remember her?)
Thank you everyone for the support. I really appreciate it. SiennaFire I also don't want to die without knowing my true sexuality or at least knowing it better than I do now. Among the other reasons why it's best if I don't stop going to queer events entirely. Eventually having a GF would be great but I feel like I don't dare even wish for that. bi2me I wouldn't call what I left ultra-orthodox but it was close to that. That's part of why Jewish events are hard for me now. I don't like the Orthodox perspective on things so I don't want to go to their events but other events just seem so strange to me. Really, of course I remember Harriet the Spy! That was one of my favorite books when I was a kid. I wanted to be just like her except if my parents had ever caught me spying on anyone I'd have been in some really big trouble. I'm planning on going. There's no guarantee I won't chicken out at the last minute, but those are my current plans. Thank you everyone for talking to me about it.
The event actually went really well. It was a joint Muslim-Jewish event and everybody was really friendly. I definitely want to go to more events from this group so I hope there are more planned soon. It was also interesting to me to hear how much progress has been made in helping Jewish LGBT people who are Orthodox. Twelve or so years ago when I was first starting to admit that I was really queer and it wasn't just going to go away, there was very little out there. Now I wonder if I could have stayed Orthodox if I'd had more support. Anyway I hope I can go to another event soon so I don't lose touch with these people. The only bad time in the whole night was when I was on the way home and it occurred to me that taking the bus alone at night in the city might not be the best choice I've ever made in terms of personal safety. But in the end that worked out OK too.
Yeah, I'm really glad I went. I've been looking at some other groups with stuff that sounds fun but they both seem to be for lesbians which is not what I identify as. I've been going to one lesbian chat group but maybe I should stop going to that. I keep justifying it on the grounds that I'm not sure what I do identify as but... I probably shouldn't do that since I'm pretty sure I'm not a lesbian even if I am looking for women right now. I also rejoined this bi group I used to be in that I had fun with, though I'm not sure yet if they have anything local to me. And that's the thing, I can't join a bi group a and a lesbian group. I don't mean to sound so hung up about this. It's just that I really never want to end up pushing myself into somewhere I'm not really wanted.
In my opinion, you can do as much or as little as you want. If, in the end, you end up making friends or good acquaintances who you click with in any or all of the groups, will the label or official nature of the group have mattered? I sense a recurring theme of not feeling wanted in some of these social situations. Is this a perception or do you have tangible situations that point to that? And I am in no way disputing that there could have been the whole bowl of wax - rude comments, cold shoulders, people trying to shoehorn you either to fit or be excluded. It's all possible. I'm just wondering where the discomfort has its roots.
To me the official nature or label of the group doesn't matter. But if it matters to them and they don't want me there, I don't want to push myself in. No one's ever been rude to me except at a vegan group, and then it was a matter of not being vegan, not anything about being queer or whatever. And they weren't that rude, but I felt really bad because the website had said that vegetarians were welcome so I was suprised and almost started crying (and eventually did cry, though not in front of them.) The thing is, I always think people don't want me around. I think it goes back to being picked on in school a lot when I was a kid. I know that happens to a lot of people but it was really bad with me, and after a while I wasn't a very likable person because I would presume people hated me and wanted to make fun of me, since a lot of them did. Plus I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and sometimes talk about compulsive thoughts I have, like trying to get people to reassure me. I try not to do that anymore or at least not with people I don't know well but it's happened in the past. And I definitely feel like I always have to be honest about myself, which I think is part of the OCD. Like I can't just show up at a lesbian group, I have to tell everyone I'm not sure I'm lesbian and I've never been with a woman. So far nothing bad has happened but someday something might. Anyway that's kind of how things played out all my life - I don't feel welcome anywhere and any person being rude or unwelcoming just proves that I'm not welcome and people really do hate me. I'm sure sometimes it's all in my head, too, but it's hard to tell. And I look back on times I said or did offensive things and just cringe and want to go hide, even if it happened many years ago and everyone else has probably forgotten all about it by now. Anyway that's probably more information than you wanted, but there it is.
Ok, so it has roots in interactions during your formative years and OCD. I understand. If you're working with someone for therapy, then that could be one of the things you could address. I know mental health practitioners sometimes hope we "turn off the tape" of our pasts, but that's easier said than done. I don't know how this sort of deprogramming occurs in a therapeutic setting and its success rate, but I'm thinking that if a lot more people could "turn off the tape," they might be able to weather some storms better.
a) start at YouTube and look up meditation. Watch the vid. b) meditate for 10 minutes or more. c) repeat often. This has helped me immensely. d) also there are meditation groups out there. Find one that works for you.
