Coming out

Hey Gever, baruch ha ba (welcome) to EC!

Even without obstacles, change is scary, and all the more so when one has lived a while in a certain way.

You seem to be quite preoccupied by what others think. Yes, if you decide to take the leap, people will notice...for a while. But what you will notice is how fast they will forget. Most people have urgent lives to go back to, your coming out will be yesterday's news very quickly, but you will be out and that is what is important.

So maybe I can tell you what it is to come out after so long, because I am in my mid-fifties and only came out to myself a little over two years ago.

Being on this side of gay, I have made more new friends than in the last 20 years when I was married, I have taken on some tasks in the LGBT community, and I have become myself. I am happier than ever before, I am a different and better person in so many ways.

Don't delay, there is no longer any reason to remain hidden, becoming yourself is probably the scariest thing you could do, it requires letting go of any previous ideas you may have had about who you are, even though you may have known you were gay for a long time. Just giving yourself permission to be who you are will open doors you never thought were closed.

B'hatzlachah! (good luck!)

 

We're Jews... Isn't it in our nature/upbringing to be argumentative? :dry:

So why did you wait? Were you unaccepting of yourself? Did you just not feel ready? Lots of people say that they didn't come out until the fear/pain of doing it eclipsed the fear/pain of living in the closet.

 

Maybe there is no question that needs an answer, your need to come out is now more urgent, possibly because when we reach a certain age, our mortality becomes a little more real. This compels many to action when before there was a certain comfort in the status quo. Yes, even a skill at "dissolving" certain questions can become a habit, but truly, people don't care that much, which is a blessing.

What's important is that it is the past, it is gone and requires no explanation. You may be better served by a focus on the future, on possible relationships, on living your life as you are. That is plenty enough to distract you from thoughts about the whys and the past.

 

Gever

Welcome to ECs.
Referencing your age, respondents age, my age (50’s) we all grew up during a time when homosexuality was wrong. This caused massive internal / unknown trauma. There are massive side effects to trauma. Research them. (I have in books about gay shame and on https://www.psychologytoday.com a web sight I dearly love.)

You write: I know I shouldn’t change a lie with a lie, My terse response: no it’s not a lie, it’s called survival and it called shame and its called trauma. Cause, effect. The effect in your case is shame and calling it a lie. The cause was society and more which is beyond the scope of this message.

You write: Ashamed, vulnerable, hysterical.... My response: cause, effect. You have been taught shame. You are behaving as you have been taught. I suggest you try a technique I read about, and currently using myself, in psychology books/blog(s), called positive image reinforcement. Print out a picture of someone you like, preferably non nude or sexual (the purpose is not to get you excited), put up where you see it often and say to yourself over and over when you view said pic, “my attraction to this person is OK”. There’s more about this technique online.

You write about what others think. My response: I feel this is the shame dragon again. Watch out the dragon has massive teeth and breaths fire. Once you convince yourself there is no shame for how you were born, my guess is, you will not care what others think.

I tell myself when I say many of the things you write, I can’t drive (live my life) by looking in the rear view mirror.

Greatwhale writes: Being on this side of gay, I have made more new friends than in the last 20 years when I was married, I have taken on some tasks in the LGBT community, and I have become myself. I am happier than ever before, I am a different and better person in so many ways. My response: thats encouraging. Thanks.

Write on my wall any time. I’m with you dude.

---------- Post added 18th Jun 2015 at 07:39 AM ----------

Gever. If you are the technical type you might want to check out the book - reference link below. There are other books too. Hit me up for suggestions if interested.

http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Out-Sh...pebp=1434638187759&perid=1DDCH6K0M0665WTKEPE8

 

Gever,

Congrats. Best thing I ever did was get out of that dam closet. The air is much better outside of it. We 50ish folk grew up in a different time. Wasn't hip to be queer. I can only speak from my experiences over the last couple of months, every fear I had was all in my head. People have been so loving and supportive. I've laughed, hugged, and cried with family and friends.

I'm hoping that your "Coming Out" will be as great as mine has been. Life is to short no to live and love how you want to.

Welcome to the outside.

 

I get it: the shame of being ashamed...oy vey!

My condolences on the loss of your mother. These shattering moments do have a way of waking us up, even when we don't want to.

There are several classy ways to come out; some involve humour, some involve a difficult conversation, some involve literally coming out of a closet, or playing a coming out video. You may want to organize a coming out party with your family and friends (come out to them first!), mainly so that you can demonstrate to everyone that you are still the same and that you want to celebrate your deepening self-discovery.

But let's address this shame; no one does it better than Brené Brown:

Brené Brown: Listening to shame | TED Talk | TED.com

One thing that bears examination; sometimes being a victim has a kind of comfort all its own. And even though there is not chance you will be victimized for being who you are, in the environment you live in, you may be clinging to the possibility of being a victim to justify remaining hidden. This reminds me of those Japanese soldiers who stayed in the jungles despite the war having ended and who were discovered years, even decades later. The closet can be like a suffocating jungle but it has the benefit of avoiding the temporary discomfort and embarrassment of finding out the "war" is over, long after it has been won.

 

I'm happy that you have decided to come out!

The outside of the closet: it's everything they said it is!

Best of luck!

P.S. Don't forget to lock that closet door behind you, and to throw away the key!

 

Hi,

Welcome.

You will soon realize everybody already guessed and the only person you are fooling is yorself. That should make it easier.

The families "don't ask, don't tell" policy may not change either but if you rank; a) open dialogue, b) blind eye, and c) grief... Take "b" or better and run with it.

Do you see the dichotomy here;

You finally see. You are ready.

All the best.

 

Welcome to EC!

I am also coming out late in life. It is not easy. The hardest part is accepting myself. Coming out is a process of stepping through my fears- not hiding from or avoiding them. It is a accepting the truth as it is, not as I wish it to be. By closing myself off- from myself Nd others- I shut out the possibly of being loved fully.

Now that I am coming out more and more (and it does get easier) I feel more open to loving and being loved- by family and friends, and by another man.
Coming out has helped me to move past the shame and see the beauty of life in a new way.
I wish you well.

 

I've also just started to come out, in the last month. I'm still not completely sure why I didn't do it earlier. One reason was fear of what people would think. I now know that was silly. Some of my friends already suspected I was gay, some had no idea, but all were of the same mind. They have said, "you are still the same person you always were, nothing has changed". Its been very liberating and I'm so glad to have started the process. I don't think anyone is going to care why you waited so long to tell them. Good luck on your coming out, I think you'll find it is definitely worth it.

 

Good luck!

 

Congratulations! This merits a triple-banana! (!) (!) (!)

You will find that this is most people's reaction. They will acknowledge, probably accept and then promptly forget about it within 24 hours and get back to their urgent lives.

...and that is how it should be. :eusa_clap

 

Congratulations! I think it can be hard to deal with that kind of reaction, even when it is the 'right' one. When you finally share something of significance, especially something hard to share, you feel as though the earth moved... When other people react with business as usual, it can feel anticlimactic.

When I came out to my husband (again - you can read more on my blog), his reaction was essentially, "yes, I know, so what?" Not quite in those words, but in my moment of hysteria/crisis, it didn't feel as supportive as I think it was intended to be.

 

It truly gets better. Congrats on this milestone.