I know I've posted versions of my story here many times so you're all probably bored to death, but I'm trying again anyway since it's the Internet and you can't stop me Ordinarily I'm not a huge fan of some of the jargon used on EC, but at this point I'll try whatever seems to make sense. I think I can safely define myself as "heteroromantic" since I have had romantic crushes on girls since childhood. I masturbated exclusively to women in my adolescence and still need straight porn to get off. I've had sex with around 25 women in my life and mostly enjoyed it. I am married, but separated now, and I still love my wife. I miss her when she's not there. We have a wonderful intimacy. When we are together I'm often aroused in what feels like a genuine, masculine sort of way. I get an ego thrill out of being perceived as attractive to women, but not so much with men. On the other hand, I've had recurring sexual fantasies about being penetrated by a man since around age 18. These fantasies are very strong and often accompanied by anxiety. The release I experience after masturbation with simulated penetration is tremendous -- there's a great deal of anxiety relief as well. But these fantasies are not about a particular person, just an anonymous male figure. I'm not too turned on by gay porn, nor have I ever had a romantic crush on a guy -- though I have often craved approval and respect from men that I admire. When I'm on the street I often see men I think are attractive, but I can't really imagine talking to them in a romantic way or dating. I've signed up for gay dating sites and apps, but have little desire to follow through with it. My few gay sexual experiences were all mediocre, probably because I was anxious but also because I didn't feel much of a connection with the other guy. So I guess "homosexual" is the best word that fits here. Obviously, these two sides of myself are deeply in conflict. Having read many coming out stories here on EC, I know that many married men were dissociated from their gay identities, having anonymous sex as a release valve, similar to how I use my fantasies. Eventually as they got older, they met someone who they connected with, the romantic part clicked, and that was it. It seems reasonable that is my fate as well. But I'm just not there yet. I feel compelled to sever ties with my wife, at least for awhile, so that my feelings for her are not precluding me from exploring my gay side. But this notion is incredibly painful to me, even catastrophic. In many ways it feels like we're meant to be together and I have a hard time letting go. For anyone who's read this far, I'd appreciate any insight.
Based on your own assessment, I am not sure I would try and put any labels on it. Nothing you reflect provides any conclusion from my perspective. Clearly your keeping an open mind, but it seems your desire for penetration along with your lack of finding guys admirable or attractive would lead me to believe you might simply have a sexual proclivity or Kinky side. You may just want to embrace the proclivity and not worry about the sexuality. Just my two cents.
Hey, nerdbrain. I know we've talked a bit and it feels to me that we've had quite a lot in common, including how those fantasies presented themselves and being married to a woman who we still have significant feelings for. Its not the most comfortable situation for sure. Been seeing a guy for a few months here and it's been really great. I've also been able to maintain a good relationship with my ex, even though there are still feelings of loss and change. It has steadily become better, however. And being out with a guy has let me experience a new side to myself, and in a way that has led to me feeling more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before. It's been very liberating.
Thanks guys. Cyclingfan, I imagine I might feel that way too if I could somehow get "unstuck" enough to plunge into the dating pool. I guess I'm still too bonded to my wife, and too inhibited about taking the next step. Whenever I think about trying to date guys, it feels like an obligation of sorts, not something I'm excited to try.
I can relate to much of what you've said. Splitting up with someone you love is incredibly difficult, especially when everything works in the relationship except the sexual element. Although my wife has moved on we remain very close. I actually feel like we still have a deeper emotional connection than she has with her soon-to-be-fiance. It's weird, and good and bad all at the same time. Does our connection keep me from pursing men? Yes, but it's only one of several factors. If I broke all ties with her I don't think I'd suddenly be a lot more interested in men. But that's me, not you. I recently read that it takes the average person two years to emotionally recover from the end of a long-term relationship. Based on that statistic and my own experience, I'd say there's no easy way to let go. It's a slow, gradual process. If you instinctively feel that you need to sever all ties to make progress, trust that instinct. There are reasons you feel that way. Probably the quickest way to move on emotionally is to meet someone new. Young relationships are all-consuming; you really can't help yourself. Of course, finding a new relationship is easier said than done and there's no simple way to make it happen. As near as I can tell, it's just a numbers game. If you meet a lot of people you'll eventually click with someone. Can your connection to your wife interfere with your ability to make connections? Absolutely. But, IMHO, genuine connections develop regardless of the circumstances. Two people who click do so naturally and sometimes despite themselves. Feeling attached to your wife might keep you from making some connections but when a truly special person comes along, you'll know it. Your whole body and mind will be on fire! I don't know if any of the above is helpful or not, but those are the realizations I've had after spending more than four years in emotional limbo. ---------- Post added 19th Jun 2015 at 12:22 PM ---------- I took two years off from dating because it felt like an obligation. The only part I enjoyed was talking to people face-to-face. The rest was torturous. Taking an extended break has been helpful. I've matured. Before, every contact, every message and every meeting was an emotional roller coaster. It's no surprise that I felt burned out and unmotivated - dating was exhausting. I have a much better attitude now. Although the preliminaries to meeting still feel like work, I no longer care what happens with a particular contact. Genuinely not giving a shit has been liberating and it's made me much more confident. Reading through some of Mark Munson's blog posts was pivotal. Among other things, he clearly and simply explains how experiencing fear and anxiety signals that we care too much. By learning when to care and how to face fears head-on, I feel like I've matured into a much better person. A much more attractive person. If you've never heard of Munson, do a web search for his name. You should easily find his blog.
Hey Cameron, thanks for your post. Sounds like you found an equilibrium with your wife. Are you dating guys now? Also, I did a search for Mark Munson but only found some college football player?
Cameron really summed up a lot about how I feel about the whole thing with dating. Ive had some ups and downs with the raw emotion of the last relationship still lingering, and came pretty close to stopping seeing this guy several times just cause I wasn't ready in some way. i think there's a mental adjustment, at least for me, from a new relationship to one that was serious and for so long. Id say I wasn't quite ready when I started dating this guy, but at least pretty close. I had to remind myself that it was something that I didn't give a shit about the outcome, but was curious to see where it might lead. I find that's a healthier attitude. It's ok to give yoursrlf some time with this. You've been through a lot lately, and added pressure to "figure it all out" just makes it harder to get past feeling stuck, in my experience.
