Hi I’m new to this forum. Just wanted to share my experiences, maybe some of you have similar ones and could share some insight or advice. Failing that, just writing my story down will probably help a bit. Sorry in advance that this post is a bit long. I’m 38 years old. I’ve been out to most of my friends for 15 years, out to family for 10. I had a very religious and quite crazy upbringing – my brother and I weren’t allowed to associate much with other kids. We were never allowed on sleepovers, or to have friends round to our house. I think I internalized all my Mum’s moralizing and grew up to be a very quiet, shy, socially timid person. For my parents, sex was original sin, and gay sex the ultimate evil – so as a teenager I grew to be disgusted by my own natural tendencies. I realized I was a raging homosexual pretty early on – I just chose to ignore it. Basically as soon as possible I began to pretend to be asexual and feign a total lack of interest in sex. I told myself I could live without it, and really believed that. That has permanently damaged me, I now realize. I still find it very hard to think of sex as something natural or good. Since then I’ve been on a long and very slow path to self acceptance, which began in my early twenties with telling some close friends about my sexuality. I finally told my parents 10 years ago and, whilst they didn’t exactly turn cartwheels with joy, they have been fairly OK. It must have been hard for my Mum - we spoke a lot recently and she even apologized for the strictness of my upbringing and confessed that she had been abused as a child by a ‘family friend’ – hence her fear of allowing her children to freely associate with other families. I’ve forgiven her (well, what was there to forgive?) and we’ve grown closer. But sex/intimacy remains the black hole in my life. I live in a kind of exclusion zone, even people who don’t know me well seem to have a sixth sense awareness that they should keep their distance. Apart from occasional hugs from friends, I have experienced nothing in terms of physical intimacy my whole life. For a while, I had some psychotherapy about this. Personally I don’t think it helped much. We spent ages talking about my dreams and my childhood etc. I was hopeful and fully engaged with the process, and it did help me to certain insights – but little more. Then I saw a cognitive therapist, who encouraged a more practical approach. It brought me much closer to an understanding of the situation. I used to think I was ‘afraid’ of being touched, but I started going to a massage therapist and realized the terror I felt was very short-lived. At the therapists suggestion I started dating guys. But to return to the ‘exclusion zone’ I mentioned before, it’s like guys I meet on dates seem to instinctively know I am out of bounds. They sense my unease, and it’s a turnoff. I think at the age of 38 I’ve built up sex to be such a massive thing that, in a dating situation where intimacy might possibly be on the cards, I just give out extraordinarily off-putting body language. Plus I am SO ashamed of my lack of experience in this sex obsessed world we live in. The idea of telling a potential partner that I’m a virgin is just a hideous prospect. So the unspoken truth ends up being a kind of elephant in the room during any date. It’s driving me mad… I’m ready for intimacy but it feels like a million miles away for me. Like walking around a country where everyone else is happily speaking another language. Could it really just be too late for me? Would I be better off just accepting that it’s a train I have missed? I’ve been thinking of paying for an escort… is that crazy? I was thinking that at least a sex worker might be able to help me get past that internal block – and if I can get some of that out of the way, it might help relax me. But I know that going with an escort is fraught with problems and could end up freaking me out more. I’m sure there are reputable escorts out there who would be able to help me in a gentle way – but it’s a question of how to find a good one when the subject is largely taboo. People are fond of telling me that I just haven’t met the right person yet – and that when I do the sex/relationship thing will just fall into place. I personally don’t agree with this – I’ve spent a lifetime in a bubble of denial just lazily waiting for a thunderbolt of love and connection to come and magically make things OK, but actually I think I’m going to have to take a really bold and brave step to make it happen for myself. Thoughts welcome (but be nice please, I’m a gentle flower!!)
:welcome: to EC! Most everyone here is kind and helpful, so you don't need to worry. I don't think it's ever too late for people, and I can understand you reticence for intimate contact after an up bringing that was against sexual activity. I'm glad you have made peace with your past so you can start moving forward. Are you still in therapy? Maybe that would be a good idea to continue working through this issue. Maybe someone could help you set up baby steps towards accepting physical contact. I actually don't enjoy most people touching me. I enjoy touch from my husband and buff, and I will hug a few friends. My kids and I snuggle, but if I'm not in the right mood, it is sometimes difficult for me (which I try hard to get past). I don't really like touch from other adults, including my parents. Ok, that might be too much about me, but I thought I'd share. (Ignore if this is too personal, but...) Are you able to masterbate? Can you experience pleasure that way? It might be a good way to figure out what you enjoy. Getting massages sounds like a good desensitizing tool too, as you mentioned. Keep us posted.
Hello bi2me, thanks for your lovely message. I stopped therapy at the end of last year, but actually I think you're right that it could be good to keep pursuing this, there is clearly work still to be done. It's good for you to remind me that not everyone loves being touched as well- we're all at different stages on that continuum. It's not too personal for you to ask about the masturbation thing- it's a pretty obvious follow on question to the things I wrote above. I've never had a problem with masturbation, which tells me I have a pretty normal libido. Although there could be a problem there in the sense that (though I don't tend to use pornography, just pictures of good looking guys) I have probably built up across many years an 'ideal' of physical beauty, a kind of parallel fantasy world that might not measure up to reality. This is something I talked about with my therapist - but probably something I could look into further. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks so much for taking the time to write to me. I will keep this thread updated in the coming weeks/months!
Are you serious; they are going to be excited and eager if they hear this. LOL (!) And you are going to only be a virgin ONCE in your lifetime, so it is not that big a deal if it seems a little awkward. If you tell someone with a decent personality that you are a virgin (not that you have to, because they will assume you aren't at your age) they are going to be taking it slow with you and asking you if you like what they are doing, if they say anything at all. Whatever they do to you is probably something they like to have done to themselves, so follow their lead; if they don't they will probably tell you so, and maybe what they do like. You will ALWAYS be a relative virgin to someone new you meet, since they don't know your likes and you don't know theirs. There aren't that many different places to rub/massage/kiss or whatever else you might find you like to do or touch. If something feels good, tell them so, either verbally, or by making happy sounds, or just relaxing into it. It isn't that different for men or women, just different looking bodies and a few different parts. Almost everyone likes to be massaged and hugged; most people like to kiss. Explore, and quit worrying about whether you are doing the right things; just do them safely and stick to stuff where you don't swap fluids internally until you have a better knowledge of how to protect yourself, and a better knowledge of your partner.
Thanks for your thoughts, Yossarian - all encouraging stuff. I have to say that on the rare occasions I have told potential dates about my lack of experience, the reaction hasn't been good. Disbelief mixed with mild panic and horror! Body language immediately changes and they beat a very hasty retreat. Maybe they are wondering what's wrong with me - wanting to steer clear of a situation that might potentially be more awkward and thorny than the usual boy meets boy?… One of the many off the wall experiments my CBT therapist suggested was to place a faceless profile on a hook-up app, with a tagline saying I was an inexperienced older guy looking for someone to explore intimacy with me. As you might expect, I was inundated with messages. Many poking fun and laughing, others calling me out for lying. Of course there were many serious offers, but most were along the lines of 'shall I pop round now and w*** you off' which was nice of them (!) but betrayed a certain misunderstanding of what I'm needing. That's not a criticism, I just mean that most people for whom intimacy is like reading and writing don't understand that for me a long lingering hug would be a MASSIVE deal. And I have to say that all of them, to a man, when I explained this, were no longer interested. Anyway, for now I'm focussing more on trying to date and make a better connection with someone so I can better explain what I'm searching for. I have a date later today so… hope springs eternal! ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2015 at 10:33 AM ---------- (I've no idea why there's a dancing banana in the middle of my last post!… I didn't put it there :lol
Hi .. I think you are in a common place with many other people of your age. The inexperience is much more common than you think. It is amazing how your own body language can work against you and subtle conditioning from childhood can leave you feeling rather isolated. I can understand the 'escort' option having some appeal but I expect it might be disappointing and leave you feeling rather empty. Have you thought of joining groups where you will be amid other thirty-somethings and widen your circles of friends? After that, the chances of finding a solid guy who is not put off by any inexperience on your part will expand considerably. You want someone who is interested in 'you' as a person - not a just quick fling. Gay Outdoor Club (walking or hiking) or Outdoorlads or more organised residential experiences offered by people like The Quest or Edward Carpenter Community (google them) Brighton must have lots of meet-up groups for LGBT people in your age range too?
