Another I think I might be finally coming out in my 40s story/request for support

I know I sound like a cliche, but cliches exist for a reason, so there it is. I’m a woman in her early 40s who has not been in a serious romantic relationship with anyone of any gender for almost 20 years. The backstory is this - when I was a teenager, I thought I might be gay and tried in halting terms to talk with my mother about it, but her reaction was such that I stuffed those feelings away and promptly started to date boys and even had a few instances of unenjoyable sex with one guy (note, my mother is a completely different person now). I ended that relationship and dated a few other guys after that into my early 20s, but nothing every lasted or got serious. Fast forward the next twenty years, I’ve been on a few dates that didn’t go anywhere and have kissed a few men in bars after drinks, but again, it always felt awkward and a bit weird so I never allowed things to get serious. I’ve never pursued marriage when my friends did and quite frankly, had a hard time picturing myself as married. I have both male and female friends but most of my close friends are female. I present as female and dress traditionally feminine with a shoe collection to prove it.

Last summer I went on a few dates with a man and it didn’t go anywhere, but it was during that time I realized that I couldn’t picture myself having sex with him and realized I didn’t want to (I expect he probably sensed this even though we never even broached the subject as the relationship ended via fade out within a couple of weeks). It was then that I really started to think and realized that while I had sexual desires and thoughts, I didn’t really have any explicit desires or thoughts about sleeping with men, and rarely have. Over the course of my life, I have often fantasized about being romantic with a woman, and often find myself lingering over pictures of attractive women online (never men). Additionally, I’ve found myself excited and aroused by the few films I have seen that have shown lesbian scenes for years, even though I’m not the sort of person who typically finds movie sex scenes all that appealing or arousing.

Also, I have started to find myself thinking about women more than ever since this incident last summer realizing that there are a couple of women in my group of friends I could, and like to, picture myself with romantically (one of whom is a lesbian). I’ve never been with a woman romantically as the opportunity has not presented itself, but I sure as hell of thought about it a lot. I have, however, been in situations where women have flirted with me and I really enjoyed and felt empowered by the experience even though it didn't go anywhere. Needless to say, this has been swirling around the forefront of consciousness quite often over the past several months and I feel like I’m asking myself the same questions I was asking when I was a teenager I never allowed myself to pursue (due mostly to religious hang-ups and fear of what my family would think, both of which have mostly been resolved). It got to the point where I blurted something vague out around a relative after a couple of drinks (who is very open minded) a month or so ago, and she cornered me and asked if I was gay, my response was ’no, but I don’t know, I need to figure it out’. That response surprised even me.

I’ve since been doing a lot of soul searching and reading and am coming to terms with something I should have a long time ago, even though it is still a bit weird to think about. I called a close relative after the previous incident and talked with them and they informed me that this has apparently been a source of discussion behind my back with a few people we both know for years and they offered nothing but love and support. I had planned to leave it there and made some steps to seek therapy, but somehow the subject came up with my mother sooner than I had planned and I honestly spoke about the feelings that have been emerging more and more over the past year, and that have always been there (since those teenage years, we have become very close and discuss just about everything …. except this). Her reaction was what I expected, complete love and acceptance tempered with some confusion and worry.

Anyway, I guess I’m making this post because I’m not sure what is next, and I’m hoping that some of you could help with resources, stories or similar experiences of being older and dealing with this sort of stuff.

 

Thanks for your reply. I wrote part of this out somewhere else on the interwebs and expanded it for this site because it appears like there are more people who are discovering themselves when they are older. I've found some of the discussions in this thread interesting and helpful, but damn, I have so many questions.

 

Again, thanks. I do want to talk with my friend who identifies as a lesbian, but I'm uncertain on how to approach her without appearing too awkward or setting up any expectations that she'll have insights on my own story as I'm sure hers is vastly different. I want to avoid the 'so, you had this experience many years ago that loads of people have had, tell me how it is like, or not like, my experience and offer me advice' sort of situation or conversation. That said, I have set up my first therapy session for next week and uttered the reasons out loud to said potential therapist. So I am taking forward steps.

 

How did the conversation go? How did you approach it?

 

So a week after I told the two people I mentioned before, I feel like I'm a holding pattern, and I don't feel like much has changed at all, I'm even starting to question whether or not I should have said anything. I'm even struggling with being neurotic what those two people I told were thinking, but I want to give them space after I dropped is a bombshell, so I'm waiting for them to let me know they are ready to talk more.

I'm pretty sure this is common, but I'd like confirmation as I'm feeling a bit fragile right now. I do have my first therapy session on Monday, so hopefully I can talk through some of this then.

 

Spoke candidly with my mom the other day (she brought it up) and she was very sweet and assured me that this is not something that could ever come between our close relationship. I do get the impression that she thinks that I'm just hurt and confused moreso than simply not interested in a male female relationship, but I can respect that for now. She is concerned how my dad will react should it come to that (so am I, he's more conservative). I told her that there is plenty of time as I am still processing myself and when the time is right we can jump off that bridge . Oh hell, this will be a journey.

 

Well, hell, I thought I was handling this fairly well, but I just had what I can only describe as a panic attack or breakdown and spent the last 10-15 minutes audibly sobbing and breathing so hard I got light headed when I got home from a party. God damn I'm fragile right now.

 

I went to my first therapy session tonight and I'm feeling much better. It was good to put some of my feelings into words with an objective third party, who did a good job both listening and questioning the validity of my large and varied collection of unreasonable thoughts and fears I'm carrying around as excuses. I even made her laugh a bit when I said, "I just want to be able to find that magic Buzzfeed quiz that will tell me, 'yeah, you're a totally gay closet case' if I click certain answers. Additionally, I have to admit, the last two times I talked candidly about this stuff, it was after a few strong drinks and my inhibitions were lower. This time that wasn't the case at all, I went straight after work without consuming anything stronger than a cup of tea beforehand.

I was even given a bit of an assignment to pursue the gay and lesbian section of netflix and watch a movie or two. Heh.

 

No, not yet. Any recommendations? No overly cheesy romcoms or porn-lite masquerading as a movie please, neither are appealing to me as genres.