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Getting used to myself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by crazydog15, Jun 23, 2015.

  1. crazydog15

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    How long does it take to get used to the idea of being gay? I've been fighting myself for 20+ years now, so there's that to consider, and I didn't really decide to figure out my sexuality once and for all until about three months ago. I want to be through this and fully accept being gay already, but I've read some people on here taking years to fully be okay with who they are.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    By figuring it out "once and for all", what did you mean?

    Coming out to myself meant one very important change in mindset: I gave myself permission to be gay, and by that, I mean I gave myself permission to look at and admire guys, or to no longer pretend that I found girls attractive in a sexual way.

    It may also help that you may be confounding the newness of this realization with not being fully OK with it. If that is the case, go out there, meet people and be gay! It's something you will find is quite a pleasant thing to get used to!
     
  3. skiff

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    Some want change but reject all change. Hard to make progress with emergency break hard on.

    Accept some change and things change.
     
  4. TheStormInside

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    I don't feel fully comfortable in my identity yet, either. I think Greatwhale makes a great point in that getting out and being with other gay people could help. Being at Pride recently started to make things sink in a bit for me. Being out to my friends and just being myself helps, too. I still get alarmed at the newness of it and feel quite surreal at times. At those times it helps me to come back to reality by thinking "being gay just means being attracted to the same sex. I'm attracted to the same sex. Guess I am indeed gay." The words "gay" and "lesbian" have so much baggage and so many stereotypes attached to them. Boiling it down to the basic definitions grounds me a bit and helps me remember I'm still me. Being gay doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to get a faux hawk, get into sports, or start wearing a lot of plaid. But it does mean I am a woman who likes women.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    The time it took for me to come out coincided with my realization that life was going by and I was living it as someone else, rather than someone I was supposed to be. To your specific question, how long did it take for me to get "used" to the idea, that as predicated on me first coming out to myself as greatwhale articulates. After having done so, I am on my third year after having come out to myself, and while I feel like I am mostly used to the idea, I still have areas of continuous adjustment. But most of the hard mental work occurred in the first year give or take a few months.
     
  6. CyclingFan

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    I'm just over a year from coming out to myself and then my therapist and now ex wife. I found I had to question a whole host of thibgs about myself, after cloaking this from myself for so long. Lots of ups and downs with that, and evolving the relationship between my ex and me has had additional challenges.

    But a year out, I can tell you I feel so much better about all of it and I'm looking forward to the next phase of my life, and to take proactive steps towards living my life as I want. It's Liberating but still scary. It's feels so much better being free
     
  7. Yossarian

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    Greatwhale said it most clearly: You have to feel that it is OK that you are gay, so that you don't feel like it is something you have to hide or avoid talking about, or pretend NOT to be, or be confused about. You don't have to try and act like a straight man because you aren't. If you have been "fighting yourself" for 20 years, then you must have suspected that your natural identity was as a gay men, then began to accept and not deny it anymore, so for you the answer is that it took 20 years and 3 months, if you understand now that you are gay and willing to do what YOU think a gay man wants to do. If you haven't reached that feeling of peace with your gay identity, then it is going to take a while longer. How long it took other people is irrelevant; you are on your own timetable.
     
  8. quebec

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    crazydog15.... welcome to EC! How long does it take to get used to the idea of being gay? That's a great question and I believe the answer is different for everybody. I've known I was gay since I was about 10 but I didn't really give myself permission to accept that until December of this last year. I was 54 years old, that was so stupid! But in our society it's not unusual. I was taught that homosexuality was a sin, was evil, that people that did it where bad and dangerous. That's a tough indoctrination to break. Whenever I did hook up with someone I felt dirty and used and worthless. It took until Christmas of this last year for me to finally accept, mostly by reading posts here on EC, that being gay was not the same as being evil or sinful. It's the way I am, it's the way I was made, I didn't make this choice and no one forced it on me. It's just what is natural, normal for me. Why should the thing that is natural thing that is normal for me the evil? Okay I realize that there are societal norms that we all except as being wrong… Murder, theft, and a whole list of other things. But whom I am attracted to, who I choose to like I'm not on that list. So now I have given myself permission to look at a hot guy for a little bit longer than normal! Wow what an evil action! To realize that if I worked a little bit I could drop off 10 or 15 pounds and look a lot better in some clothes that I really like. That's a lot bigger incentive for me to lose weight than anything else I've ever heard! So take little steps, when you see a guy who has really cool hair, enjoy it don't make a big issue out of it but just enjoy it. When you see a guy who's got a really nice back side enjoy it you don't need to make a big issue out of it that you can enjoy it and the list goes on and on. We need to give ourselves permission to be gay and sometimes that means a change in attitude, a change in the way we look at things the way we look at people and there may be no outward change in how we act at all. Good luck… Keep sharing… There are so many good people here I know some of them will have answers that will help you they sure have helped me.…… David
     
  9. skiff

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    The above is very pwerful and life altering.

    We know that statement is a total lie. So what other things does society teach, people live by, which are total lies?

    Many here feel "lost" when they realize the social road map they carry is loaded with errors.

    "Society" is a magic act, an illusion that wants the audience to believe and comply....

    You don't have to, you cannot once you start seeing the slight of hand.
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    ......and then you realize that coming out, being gay, is only ONE ASPECT of your life and your self identity. Leading to the questioning of all other aspects of your life. Sexuality had its own catalyst, and then it becomes a broader catalyst provoking further questions about ones self.

    and so the journey continues..........
     
  11. skiff

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    excellent point
     
  12. Choirboy

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    Something that made a huge difference to me was the realization that deception and hiding take a whole lot more effort than honesty and openness. It's a lot easier to accept yourself when you figure out that it's so much easier to just be who you are and drop the pretenses. And in the process you may discover that it's really not as big a surprise to people than you might think.

    I went to a work event yesterday after a couple days off, and someone asked me if I'd seen my boyfriend during my time off. I mentioned meeting his kids (went well) and a few other things before realizing that some of the people there were ones I'd never mentioned coming out to. But there wasn't so much as a ripple. Things like that, or when you tell people and they already suspected and really didn't care, make it so much easier to just say yeah, this is who I am and there's nothing wrong with it.
     
  13. SiennaFire

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    I hope this can help you. I asked a similar question on the following thread and by the end of the thread I dropped my bisexual with strong same sex attraction label accepted that I was gay :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/181163-married-guys-who-identify-gay.html
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    #14 SiennaFire, Jun 24, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2015