I met a wonderful guy who has so many qualities that I find attractive and desirable: kindness, warmth, generosity, humor, similar interests, similar likes and dislikes, totally handsome and cute. We have met a few times over the past month for a hike, a bike ride, a picnic, and a few other leisurely activities. I've had so much fun and feel a level of vitality that I haven't felt in forever — I'd like this new friendship to grow and hopefully develop into a relationship. This is my first real connection with a guy since I've been out (4 years now). I am quite self-conscious of my lack of experience in all things relationship-wise, so I am hesitant to do anything that might be perceived as naive and inappropriate. I worry whether I am being too open or not open enough; too affectionate or not affectionate enough; too chatty or not chatty enough; too selfish or too selfless; too infatuated with the newness and excitement of it all or genuinely and appropriately connecting on a deeper emotional level. How do I navigate this without overthinking everything to death? :help: I want to behave rationally and thoughtfully in a Mr-Spock-Vulcan-kinda-way, but I also want to authentically pursue my warm and fuzzy feelings and emotions. I want to balance between too much, too fast and too hesitant, too anxious, too shy. How often do I text or chat with him? How often do I invite him to do something? How do I appropriately express my desires and interests without seeming like an over-eager puppy dog? How do I know when it's OK to touch, hold hands, kiss...? How do I...? The list goes on... This is all so new (and exciting!), but I feel like I don't know how to accurately gauge my thoughts, actions, and desires on some scale of "normal dating/relationship behaviors". I need an app that scores my behavior and tells me what to do next (just kidding :icon_wink). Thank you for listening — it's good for me to write all this out. If you have any insightful, soothing, or encouraging thoughts ("Relax! Have fun!"), I would be grateful to hear them. Your collective wisdom is appreciated.
Well yes, you are overthinking this, but it's fun to think about! Try, and I know this is difficult, but please try to shift your focus away from what you are doing and focus more on getting to know him, listen with all of your attention, speak when you have something to say, notice and share with him beautiful or interesting things or people, and gauge his reaction. The object of dating is (to put it crassly) information, you need to know who he is, and he needs to get to know you. Being yourself is sometimes being too much of something and not enough of another, but your "too much" could be just what he wants, and the same goes for your "too little". Whatever works in a relationship will work for the two of you, and so far, your relationship seems to be winning! As time passes, you will deepen your friendship and your knowledge of each other, there will be silly conversations and there will be deep conversations; both are equally important. You will create memories that only both of you will know the meaning of, and that is beautiful in itself. There are no objective criteria by which there is too much or too little, go with the flow, be playful, enjoy your moments together as you would appreciate a work of art...indeed, there is an aesthetic to love that is worth contemplating, and experiencing for its own sake. Live fully in the moments you share, don't think about the future or the past, cherish the present and be present in it!
Very exciting! I'm so happy for you. Assuming you'd like to develop a satisfying long-term relationship, I suggest that you mentally travel ahead in time and imagine how you'd behave if you were totally confident in your relationship and your guy's affection for you. Suppose you've already been dating for a few years...would you worry whether you're too open or not open enough? Too affectionate or not affectionate enough? Too chatty or not chatty enough? Too selfish or too selfless? Likely not. Instead you'd feel comfortable to be your natural self. Whoever you *really* are (shy, chatty, affectionate, etc), that's who you want to be now. As many of us know from being in the closet too long, not being your authentic self in a relationship, just to keep it alive, is no way to live. If you two are meant to be together, that will happen - with very little effort from either of you. Getting to know someone special is one of the great joys in life. Live for the moment! Be yourself! Whatever is meant to happen will happen. Embrace it!
First of all, love tha Colorado Guys...used to live there! Second of all, I would say that it is REALLY important to continue to pursue your own interests and friends in the warm fuzzy stages of relationship. Nothing says sexy more than being yourself, but also showing that by continuing your own life in the midst of this amazing relationship that is unfolding. I have a dear friend in the Denver metro area that continues to show pics of his friends and life outside of his marriage to his partner, and this always encourages me. When the new wears off, having your own life to continue on is key. It brings a sense of freshness and individuality to the WE. Just Two cents from a former Colorado Bear...
I knew I could count on you all for healthy and helpful advice. I feel much more grounded now. Thank you so much for sharing your ideas.
