Failed heterosexual relationships, depression, etc, etc! Wow just wow! How could I have been in denial for so long? My family is ultra conservative, they will never accept the fact that I'm a lesbian. Should I continue to keep my truth hidden? Do I not deserve to live and love freely? Many unanswered questions, my head is spinning. Wish I had a gay friend...
Amanda, Maybe consider sharing more about your story, it will help those here to better understand you situation and be able to provide proper perspective.
I can understand the head spinning feeling! Tell us more of your story. We are happy to listen and try to help. :welcome:
Amanda00 you state, "How could I have been in denial for so long?" My guess is you were not consciously denying your sexuality you were sub consciously denying it. Your sub conscious denial was/is shame based. Shame is VERY POWERFUL and WILL/CAN CONTROL YOU, period. You state, "never accept I'm a lesbian." My suggestion is, a little less emphasis on labels (lesbian) at least until you take on more pride in how your were born. You state, "they will never accept the fact". My take. Thats their problem and thus they have their work cut out for themselves. You cannot live their life. If they genuinely love you as a human being, they must accept you for how you were born not for how they (and society and western religion) programmed you to be. Its called unconditional love as apposed to programmed false love. (this scenario blows me away.....I only love you if you are the way I tell you to be. Really? WTF Go get a life.) You state, "Failed heterosexual relationships" I presume are in the West as apposed to third world country. The West is so into JUDGING. It's ingrained into the culture. I say you did not have a failed heterosexual relationship you instead had a learning experience. This is called experimentation and discovery. This is how you, me, all of us learn. You were also told to "go find a man" instead of being raised in a more open and accepting and loving environment. Do not say you screwed up, you were told to go the path you took. You basically had no choice. You state. "Should I continue to keep my truth hidden? " No. Use the phased approach. If asked tell them I'm experimenting so I can see and learn who I truly am. I ask for your help and love. Thats it. You state, Do I not deserve to live and love freely Yes. yes, and more YES. You state, "my head is spinning" Go to YouTube and find a meditation video to your liking and meditate. It takes practice but it will help calm you down. You state, "Wish I had a gay friend... You have ECs. Thus you have lots of friends. Write on my wall if you need more. Love ya.
Re: "failed relationship" I don't think there is such a thing. I don't look at my marriage as a failure, it had good and bad and ups and downs. And we both learned a lot. This notion of quickly find one person to love forever can be so damaging
Looking back at my life I can honestly say that the signs were always there. I was adopted at the age of 3 by an ultra conservative religious family. I was raised to believe that being gay was a sin; as a result I made every effort to bury my feelings. I started dating good "Christian" men but the attraction just wasn't there. The pressure to be married increased right after I graduated college, my parents were relentless. So being the good daughter I obeyed ttled and married one of my very best friends. Some might say that I could have been nominated for an Academy award. I tried everything but nothing worked. I remember making GYN appointment after GYN appointment because I thought that I had "issues"! I started going to weekly therapy sessions but I didn't have the courage to open up completely. Then one day after dinner I turned to him and I said I'm leaving you. He was so upset that he got the Elders, my friends and family to stage a JW intervention. I decided to give it another shot but nothing changed. We stayed married for 4 years then one day my phone rang... My husband was involved in a horrible car accident and died a few hours later with me by his side. I've been alone since then!
I am sorry for your loss. I imagine even though you weren't entirely invested in the marriage that it must have been hard. Do you live near your family? Do you depend on them (money, living arrangements, emotional support)? Tell us more...
Thank you; yes it was a difficult time but I'm doing okay. No I don't live near my family and no I don't depend on them for anything. I'm not one to speak about my success however, my male colleagues refer to me as the "ideal woman"; widowed, beautiful, excellent career etc, etc! If only they were all be women....
Welcome to EC Amanda00 :welcome: EC is a wonderful community that can help you work through the issues about your sexuality. For years I was spinning my wheels. I too had the early signs that I was gay that I suppressed because I wanted to conform with societal norms. I came out at 51 to my wife last Saturday with the love and support of EC. You deserve to live your life openly and honestly in a way that is true to yourself.
