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My wife asked and (unfortunately) I said yes.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Thessa Blossom, Jun 24, 2015.

  1. Thessa Blossom

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    Hi,

    I apologize in advance for the confusion but so many thoughts are swirling through my mind and being an over-thinker doesn’t make it much easier.

    As I wrote in my introduction thread I’m questioning my gender identity a lot recently and this happened not unnoticed by my wife, so she asked me straight to the head.
    I admitted to her that I’m feeling that way and first I had the impression that she is understanding. She knew from the time we meet 15 year ago. In the beginning she supported with makeup and buying cloths but then daily family business kicked in and everything was pushed to the background. She told me that she thought that it was a “phase" and didn’t give it a second thought until recently when I started to subtile (unconsciously?) change some of my behaviour.

    Since approximately two weeks she is completely shunning me and shows her disgust blatantly.
    This hurts a lot and it makes me sad and I fear that I might lose her and my two daughters. :tears:

    Before the unplanned outing to my wife, I tried to figure how she might react and I thought or wanted to believe that she will be supportive based on her normal attitude.
    Not from the beginning but maybe after some time when everything has somewhat settled down. She is quite a tomboy so maybe that induced me to believe that she might understand - "Quid pro quo” I hope you understand what I try to say.

    I know that I wreaked her picture of our future but I still hope that we can paint a new different picture which includes both of use.

    I can completely understand that it hit her hard and square in the face, I want to give her time but on the other hand I fear that she is spiralling with her thoughts to no avail, because she has no one to speak to. I told her she can talk to her BFF about it, I would not be angry or ashamed but she is still keeping it to herself.
    How can I support her if she is blocking any communication apart from the daily routines?

    I had almost my whole life to cope with it sometimes strong, sometimes just a quiet and vague whisper in the back of my mind and it drives me mad.

    Still at this very moment, I’m not sure who and what I am.
    Did I put a strain on our relationship for “nothing”?
    I’m still asking myself is it “just" a mid-life crisis because of some dramatic changes in my life due to some family losses?
    Or did it show me that life is short and that we should life a true and happy life?
    Anything else that makes me feel that way? What when I regret whatever I will do?

    To certain degree I already regret my outing to my wife! :bang:

    Apart from my fears and doubts how my family and friends will react.
    I can’t imagine how my professional life will move forward or backward.
    How my bosses, colleague, partners, customers will react.

    Will it go upside down? Will my whole life collapse like a house of cards? My career going down the drain.
    Often I have the urge to just run and don’t stop until all my worries and fears are gone and I can live a happy life, whatever that means.

    I know that my thoughts and fears are well known to most of you, but I had the need to lift the load a little bit from my soul.

    Thanks for reading!
    Thessa
     
  2. headshaver

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    Take a deep breath. Really.... Take things one day at a time.
     
  3. Posthuman666

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    I agree, take things slowly.
     
  4. Thessa Blossom

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    I would love to take it slowly but due to the situation with my wife I lost/lose my nerves.
    I started to see a super nice therapist and I wanted to get more confidence in myself and serenity about my feelings before talking to anybody. :eusa_thin But then it happened.

    I know that I can't undo what happened so the only direction is forward - slow but steady.
    Well then, I will see wherever my path will lead.

    And "females are as strong as hell", right? :icon_wink
     
  5. PrairieRachel

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    Oh dear I feel your pain! I live scared and hiding inside this mans body for 60 years! I also wondered if this was some fetish or passing phase...not so, Rachel has live in bondage for 60 years...it finally popped out when my wife of 25 years flat out asked me if I was gay! Lol..I had to tell Her yes and no! Woman living in a male shell and lesbian woman to boot! I think wife is still trying to wrap Her brain around it but is being supportive as long as I don't pursue other relationships...She has even bought me makeup! Lol..who would have thunk it.
    Anyway I agree, go slow..you can't undo what's done and even if you lose some things you will strengthen bonds with the ones that really love you and other opportunities will come along. In the meanwhile you have us! Lol..(((((hugs)))) Rachel
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    Thessa

    I came out as gay to my wife over the weekend. While I was prepared for this as much as one can, there were still very emotional conversations as my wife began to work through her anger and sadness of accepting that her relationship with her husband had changed in an instance after I dropped this bomb. Your wife needs to work through this as well.

    It's natural to feel bad for causing this pain in a person that you've loved for several years. While I feel bad for causing this pain, I find the strength to come out because I've accepted that I'm gay, I'm proud to be gay, and I need to be openly gay in order for me to be truly happy in life.

    I agree that you need to take baby steps here. Make yourself available to your wife so that she can share her feelings. Have you tried couples therapy or reaching out to a support group? It's important that she find a safe environment for working through this.

    While you may be feeling incredible amounts of pain right now, I believe everything will work out for the best. There is an incredibly rocky road ahead no doubt, you'll work though it with the love and support of EC.
     
  7. xxmiaxx

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    All I know it's not easy being a woman, OK you are a woman, your maleness is never going completely away. How do you deal with that? Just a question as a wife.
     
  8. Thessa Blossom

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    Thank you so much for your kind and reassuring words Rachel and SiennaFire.
    The last days and weeks were not easy but with your support and this great forum it’s getting better.
    Thessa (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2015 at 10:48 AM ----------

    Hello Mia,

    in fact this is a good question and the honest and short answer is, I don’t know.
    If I think about it a little bit longer I have to split it in two areas the bodily and the mental part.

    I’m tall but there are woman as tall as I am, fortunately I have small feet and hands and almost no adams apple.
    My biggest concern are my hairs I know I will have to spend a fortune to remove and get the bald spots on the head “replanted".

    The mental part is much more tricky and this is where I’m stuck for the past month.
    After decades of denial: "This is just a phase.” - "It’s a kinky way of whatever" - "When I will have family it will go away.” - a.s.o. I could’t bear it any longer and started my journey of self discovery.

    My feelings and my mind are fighting an epic battle over my real me.
    Deep down when I’m able to block my conscious mind for a few seconds I feel the woman inside clawing her way to the surface
    but then my brain that was conditioned for the past 40 year to suppress and deny her very existence kicks in and the battle rages on.

    This mental battling with myself is consuming so much energy it wears me down and I have to admit that my family is suffering from me being grumpy and depressed very often.

    Sometimes when I have time for myself and I’m able to be the woman inside out I feel much happier and I’m also much more productive in my daily work (working from home office sometimes). I also adopted a few behaviours attributed by western society as feminine to my daily living routine that can go unnoticed by my surrounding and it gives me a great deal of relief especially some things related to my body dysphoria.

    I could go on and on but to cut it short at this point, I still don’t know how far this will go, since I’m not finished yet with finding my true self and my sense of responsibility to my family is also very strong and I don’t want to hurt them and there feelings.
    But on the other hand do I have to sacrifice myself?

    What I definitely know is, that I’m not the man the world around me see/saw me. It just doesn’t fit.

    My wife btw. has a pronounced jawline and also some behavioural patterns attributed by our society rather to men then women.
    Does this make her less of a woman? She identifies a woman so I assume she is.

    What I understood since I started this journey is that our society has a binary problem.

    Thessa