Ever since I was little I have memories of being attracted to women. I love women and everything about them. I was a huge tomboy until middle school when it became to obvious to most. And lived a normal "girl" teenage life. I've been with my husband since I was 15 and I love him dearly and my children. However there has always been that void. I fantasize only of women. I have a friend at work who recently within the last year has shared with me that she has been with women. I too have had an encounter that I told her about. It changed a lot between us. We were close before but have become the best of friends and have even had an intimate encounter with one another. Which I enjoyed but received no reciprocation. Our relationship is that of any two best friends but we always flirt with each other. And it was just fun having that outside of my marriage to my husband. I did make him aware of my encounter with her. He seemed to like it. I have always played the part of "kinky and bi" to my husband. But nope, I'm a full on lesbian. I have been my entire life. Not everyday is hard but some are. I dream of something different someday. My best friend however confuses me. She asked me once when I was going to take her away from all of this, I guess meaning her life, which doesn't seem bad. She has also stated in the past that if I wasn't married she would marry me. I giggled at the statement because it was said in this joking, jovial manner. However, she has said it to me multiple times in the same funny way. Saying I love you and let's get married. I even reciprocated and said ok, so plan the honeymoon. I know these statements seem to make it obvious but, they don't. They're always said in a joking manner. She is also in a relationship with a man and she seems happy. I'm confused and scared. Is there anyone else in a similar situation? I don't want to hurt my family.
You found us! Maybe a bit of therapy to talk to about all these feelings will help. You're not alone. Peace
Rock in a hard spot dear...I agree about talking it out with a trusted person could clear up the confusion. Hate to judge people but your friend sounds like a heart break waiting to happen. Sounds like your husband is supportive and willing to deal with your lesbian encounters? I wouldn't be so fast to blow a good thing and put your family in turmoil. Maybe discuss this with your husband? After all He must have been or is your best friend? Just food for thought...
I too was very young when I realized that I was attracted to woman. I too was a tomboy my whole life. I have always felt like I was in the wrong body. I have always felt more manly than woman. Anyways, because of my home life while i was growing up I remember being very young and thinking I need to figure out what normal girls do. I need to figure out how to kiss a boy and pretend to enjoy it. I knew if I came out it wouldn't be accepted at home. My father was very old school, even though his brother (my uncle) has always been gay. So I spent my teenage years pretending to be straight. That turned to me using drugs. Not heavy, but still used. I then at 20 I got engaged to a man. A very very straight man. A very homophobic in many ways man. I got married when I was 21 and lived a very horrible straight life for many years. I knew I was living a lie. I knew I was living a life everyone around me thought I needed. I in the end was living a life for someone else. I wasted all of my 20's pretending to be someone I was not. I started using drugs more frequently. I became desperate. I ended up meeting a woman on line, who instantly became my best friend. We met on a forum which ironically was exactly formatted like this one. A Michael Jackson forum. It was after he passed away (which again ironically is 6 years ago today). This woman was openly a lesbian. And was too in a horrible relationship with a woman. She was married as well. Because of similar things in our lives, we became friends unlike anything I have ever experienced. Keep in mind I had had a couple of encounters with woman before. But it was in complete secret. I was so horribly unhappy. In a depression I had never felt in my life. I ended up trying to purposely overdose. I could not handle this lie I was living. Pretending to be someone you are not is the most exhausting thing ever. If it wasn't for my best friend, I would have died that day. We had never met in person. She lived in the states, I was in Canada. But she saved my life that day. I knew I had to get out of this marriage. It was other I kill myself, or I kill him. We were both so unhappy, I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. I think back now and I realize I was never in love with him. I got up, and I left. 7 years ago, I left him, and I was finally able to release this mask I was living under almost my whole life. I walked out of the closet and I never looked back. Life is so much clearer when you are no longer in the dark. My best friend I met so long ago...is now my lover. Is now the love of my life. Is now my fiance, is still the greatest thing that ever walked into my life. The moral of my story to you. When I finally came out of the closet to everyone, my family and my now ex husband...a weight was lifted. A lot of my family were relieved that I finally was able to be true to myself. A lot of my family told me. 'we always knew'. I didn't have children (keep in mind) like yourself BUT I almost ruined my ex husbands life while living my own lie, he too was living it with me. I know now it was so unfair to him. As well as being unfair to me. I gave away years of my life I will never get back. And he too gave me years he will never get back. Think about it. It may hurt, but it will hurt more the longer you keep living this lie. For all parties involved. Don't allow yourself to get pulled under by this. You owe your husband the truth, and you owe yourself the truth.
My husband is loving and supportive. But has also told me that he has had nightmares about me leaving him for a woman. I think deep down he knows. Eventually I feel something will have to change.
Tough situation. There's really only one way to answer this... Do you want to find out 'what if' or do you want to walk around the rest of your life wondering 'what if' - I think you'll make yourself miserable if you don't explore everything the world has to offer. Being with someone since you were 15 is a LONG TIME and 15 is really young. You never gave yourself a fair chance in finding out what's right for you. Maybe your husband will be open to letting you explore your sexuality. Given the fact that you've been happily in love with him for this long (even with a void) - you're probably bisexual at best. Definitely bi-curious.
I kept thinking I was bi for a long time, but often slipped into "Naw, I'm definatly a lesbian" mode. Eventually I ended up in a lesbian relationship with my current girlfriend and life partner of four years, we started going out when we were in our mid teens, we're now in our early twenties. I kept having doubts about if I was bi or not, I also wanted to test out polyamory, my girlfriend agreed and I got a boyfriend who I did indeed fall in love with. But I soon realized it was love of a friend, not love of a partner. We broke up after a year together and me and my girlfriend are still going out. My ex-boyfriend as an awesome friend though and really supportive. In the end I came to the conclusion I'm a lesbian, not bi. I also realized polyamory is great but I can only really manage it if the person clicks COMPLETELY with me and my partner, otherwise she'd just be a fuck buddy for me and my girlfriend. I do occasionally regret breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, but I realize that given how "This isn't working, I'm a lesbian" I was during the relationship with him... it wouldn't work if me and him got back together. We've actually been closer as friends than we ever were as partners. I'd say just take a deep breath, be brave and do what you have to do. If your husband won't let you experiment, give it a long hard think and do what your heart is telling you. If that's to break up then do it, as hard as it is you'll both be a lot happier in the long run. If he will let you experiment then go ahead but given how lesbian you seem to be, I'd say that you will inevitably end up breaking up with him eventually anyway. If this girl you're seeing is a good person to hook up with or not? I'm not sure, I don't know her personally but she sounds like she's treating it like it's a game, not a serious sexuality. Perhaps look elsewhere.
I appreciate the comments about my "friend" maybe she is treating it like a game. I definitely have to discuss with my husband. Thank you for all of your support! I need it!
Hi blueeyes321! Welcome! I'm married and bi with two kids (7 & 3). You can read my story on my blog. I'm happy to chat about anything.
I get this. Coming out to my husband (who is also my best friend) was possibly the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But once it was done it also immediately became apparent that it had been the right thing to do, however difficult.(*hug*)
I've gone thru the ringer with my (ex?)gf over the same thing. She just recently has moved out and now have to figure the logistics of sharing time with our girls I empathize for the spot I have put her in however I also feel I can't spend the rest of my life without closure. And in my doomsday thinking, its already bad enough that at 38 I feel as if I'm past my prime.
