At the age of the 36, this written line will have been the first and only acknowledgement that I'm gay. I've known all my life. I have two teenage daughters and a recently failed marriage of 13 years. My entire existence has been a series of half-truths and calculated responses. I don't know what it means to be myself. I don't know what it might feel like to be liked or loved as myself. I'm running out of time. I can feel myself dying inside. How do begin to tell the people I love that the person they know never existed? I don't know who to talk to. I have no resources in my city. Everything is so youth-centric. I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I'm at the breaking point. I have no-one.
I'm not entirely sure what advice to give you to be honest, I'm only 19 and don't have any experience with what you're going through. It's not too young though. You're only 36, you still have plenty of time! Seriously, you're still young, and besides it's never to late to start being true to yourself and even date. And the person they thought you were still exists. You're just not straight, but everything else is still there. Your sexuality doesn't define you. I kind of know how you feel about not having resources. There doesn't seem to be anything where I live, even for the younger people. But you can still have this forum, internet friends are very much real friends
Congratulations on coming out to us! So many people on here are our age or older and coming out for the first time. How old are your daughters? Do you have custody of or visitation with them? What would you like to see your life look like in the next month, year, five years?
Hi I could have written that at your age, your experience, only it was two sons. In hindsight I was naive. All knew I was gay or doubted me except wife. And in hindsight now it is obvious to her as well. You are more out than you realize. Understand one thing. You are only fooling yourself.
First of all, everything is going to be OK. We will help you get through this if you stick with us. Millions of us are in the same situation as you, and have taken many different routes to happiness. We will tell you our stories and give you some ideas of what and when to do things, so you can decide what your path will be. You are gay, and it is OK; you are with friends now; you don't have "no-one" any more.
Welcome new start. You have came to the right place. You will get lots of support on here. I couldn't have coped without these guys. First of all, 36 is not old. I'm 52, only out to myself (18months ago), my trigger crush and all my EC buddies. You may not believe this, but I envy you. You say your marriage is behind you. I wish. I'm still in mine, with 2 grown up daughters. I wish I could say it was behind me too. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. One day at a time, don't panic and remember to breathe. This is your journey and will go at your own pace. I say that from experience. Some on here move quickly while others, like myself, take a bit longer. There's no right or wrong way to progress. Keep in touch
Welcome to EC newstart :welcome: Congratulations on coming out to yourself. I was 46 when I finally had to guts to admit to myself that I like other guys. Took me another 5 years of experimentation to find the courage to come out to my wife at 51. I have plenty of time, and so do you. You are on a journey to discover your true self at your own pace. I know it is scary to explore the other side of your sexuality. Relax and take baby steps. Are there any LGBTQ support groups in your area? Support groups for gay dads? You have found your support with the amazing people here at EC. We will love and support you as you discover yourself. (*hug*)
I'm in the process of putting words to my own feelings as well at age 42, and it seems like this particular forum is full of us who have finally acknowledged this part of themselves at an older age due to various reasons. I still haven't been able to put it into words outside of two people, but I recommend therapy if you can afford it, that's the route I'm going to go, and bet you would benefit from it as well. Also, when you write "How do begin to tell the people I love that the person they know never existed?", I don't know about that. Your sexuality is only one part of you, granted it is a very important part of you, but it doesn't solely define you. Hopefully most of the people you love know this and will react accordingly.
Hello newstart a) You've taken a good sound first step by creating an account on ECs. There is nothing like the power of "others" to help you through this. b) Got to get you calmed down. Get on YouTube and find a vid on how to meditate. Then meditate. See if there is a meditation group where you live. c) Exercise 30 minutes per day, no less than 5 days per week. d) Drink lots of water. A dehydrated brain cant think worth a damn. e) East right, less fat. Good protein, like yogurt. Slowly with a - e you will calm down so you can think clearly. And you have lots of time. Dude I'm older than you and I'm been doing way better since I've joined ECs.
Sounds all too familiar; please know that your not alone. I posted the same thing a week ago. I was told that it will get easier, hang in there. The support on this forum will be helpful.
Hello, newstart! I believe that you will find many friends and a lot of support on EC. I just want to say that it is never too late to start being your authentic self. You have made the first important step - coming out to yourself is the hardest part. You are only 36! Everything's gonna be alright!
I like all the advice above. The one think I might add is that you have to feel free to explore and experiment. There are ways to meet people for sex and / or for friendship. I believe part of your baby steps need to be getting comfortable with what you think is your true direction.
I don't know how to describe it other than to say that I've been inhabiting a role. I'm certainly a kinder more sensitive version of the person they know. I'm not as cynical or tired. ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2015 at 11:58 AM ---------- I wanted to thank the people that have replied to my original thread. You are the first people on earth that I have opened up to. Yesterday was a breaking point for me. I can't go forward pretending 'to myself' that I'm straight. I can't get caught up in another straight relationship. A true coming out is something that I can't yet conceive of yet. Right now, I'm now even sure what I'd be 'coming out' into. I haven't met any gay or lesbian people. I'm too paranoid/old to go to clubs, bars. I'm afraid someone I know might see me. I should also mention that I work at a place that is not exactly tolerant. I have no sense of community, and if I were lucky enough to find one, I'm not sure they would appreciate my need for discretion.
Understood. I know that there have definitely been times where I have straight up lied to people I loved about my interest in finding a male partner. Good luck.
truth is a lot of people on EC don't even want to go to a gay bar… rather watch TV and also keep certain information out of the work place…. you are not alone!! (*hug*)
Welcome! I can understand so many of your points that you brought up. If you read through some posts on this website you will find similar thoughts. First, just breathe a little. This forum is an excellent resource. I don't really know that I am capable of giving good advice because I don't really know what I am doing either so maybe I can just relay part of my story hopefully in a shortened form. What I realize now is that I spent 20 years in a hazy fog of lying to myself and acting (I'm sure badly) a part to everyone else. I always, always knew I was gay. But I also remember very vividly being on the playground and being surrounded by all these girls who were talking about the boys they "loved". This was in about 4th grade. A lightening bolt struck saying "You have to make something up. Who you like isn't right. Something is wrong with you." So there you have it. Fast forward, and I hope I am on my way to brighter skies. I know I certainly feel better than I did a year ago and have came a long way since 5 years ago. There is no time table, but I'm allowing myself to take baby steps. One achievement at a time. You finally realized that you can't live as a straight man anymore? That's a huge accomplishment. You have started. Great job! As you will read on this forum, there are many people who have done this at different stages in their life. I so, so very much feel your pain when you talk of lack of community. I live in a very small town in the backwoods section of the bible belt (U.S.) and there is nothing here. I have ventured online and although it has been a tremendous resource I am still looking to make the next to meeting real people.
You have lots of time left. As long as there is life, there is hope... I've got 10 years on you and am just now starting to find my true self. Pause, breathe, find your center and slow your thoughts. You have more resources than you think. The youth ones are most obvious because they have to be, but there are other resources for us older folk. Remember: it gets better.
I've always known... told myself I was bi. Currently in my 2nd hetero marriage, I'm 38, and realizing I'm practically a lesbian. Thanks to exploring polyamory, I'm starting to date women... and good gravy, the nerves and butterflies, I never had this when dating guys! I feel ya!
If you want to find other guys who like you who live nearby, I suggest calling the Edmonton Pride Centre. They get calls like yours every day. They know exactly what to say and how to guide you. You can also try meet-up groups. Using an alternate email address you can create an anonymous log in and inspect or join any groups there that interest you. You're not alone in your situation and you're still quite young. A year from now, chances are you will really blossom as a person and be far happier.
