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break up sex - normal and expected?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SiennaFire, Jun 28, 2015.

  1. SiennaFire

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    break up sex after coming out - normal and expected?

    It's been a week and a day since I came out to my wife, and we had some break up sex just now. Is this normal and expected? I wore protection and she had a great orgasm. It had been a while for her. Sorry if this is TMI...
     
    #1 SiennaFire, Jun 28, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2015
  2. siriuslypadfoot

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    I don't know if it's normal per se, but I could see where it would expected from a psychological viewpont. I can also say that after not talking to my ex for a month after we brok up, we had about two solid months of break up sex. So you aren't alone at least.
     
  3. Chicagoblue

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    I mean, how do you feel about it?
     
  4. BiKate

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    I don't know if it's normal but it's not really bad.

    Did you like it? Or did you feel pressured? I know it says you're gay but obviously you know her very well and well sex is sex.

    I would tell her you think it's best to not do it again for her sake, and say it's ok if she wants to get out and meet other guys, online or otherwise. I imagine this is hard for her, and you don't want her to think she still has a chance. And I don't know her, but you also don't want her thinking that is you have sex with her maybe you will find out you're not gay, and then getting upset and feeling undesirable when you are still gay.

    But it's your relationship, and I don't know you or your wife :slight_smile:
     
  5. looking for me

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    i have no personal knowledge, per say but i have read that sometimes the other spouse will try to F you straight or say if you can do that you aren't gay, etc. but if it was consentual on both sides and both enjoyed it, it's probably harmless.
     
  6. MarthRoyIke

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    There was a point in time where me and my ex weren't together but we still had sex. I guess that counts as breakup sex. The sex was good, we both had fun, I know what she likes and I liked getting her off so it worked in that respect.

    Once things became official I completely stopped for several reasons: 1- Emphasizing that it really is over, 2- It was mentally taxing on me as I felt I was taking advantage of her, 3- I didn't want any pregnancy scares, 4- Jesus was probably frowning anyway, so I'll respect her religious convictions.

    The short of it: Yes, it's normal and it makes sense. If it's consensual I see no problems. Don't let it change the fact that you are still separating. She's still your wife and you know her best.
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    Thanks everyone. It was consensual, and she initiated it. I did it as a way to repair and rebuild the relationship with my wife. I masturbated an hour or so earlier, so I didn't climax. This was my first time having sex with her since I made the leap from identifying as bi-sexual to gay. The sex was OK, but lacked the sparks possible with another guy. It confirmed that I'm gay.
     
  8. Chicagoblue

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    Thanks for sharing Sienna. Very helpful.
     
  9. Tightrope

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    There's a lot in the fact that she initiated. It seems like when women are not going to get someone or may lose someone, they may take more initiative. Do you feel it was more about her psychological needs than it was about both of your needs? That's what instinctively came to mind.
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    We had a good day on Sunday. She spoke with her friend in the morning and she was smiling. She realized that she's going to miss me when I leave the house - who will do minor repairs and help her with the computer and so forth.
     
  11. RainbowBright

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    Every time a woman has sex and orgasms, her brain floods with hormones that tell her see is in love with the person she was thinking about during that orgasm, and those hormones last in her brain and body for 3 weeks.

    It is not helping a woman to move on to have sex with her again when you are breaking up solely because you are gay, and thus not physically attracted to her. It is confusing, and makes her wonder if things can be saved.

    I really wouldn't recommend it, for people who are in this position reading about it and still have a decision to make ahead of them. Separation and divorce is unbelievably painful, and it's also really hard being broken up with because your partner tells you they are not physically attracted to you (and possibly never were). You don't want to make that pain last any longer than it already has to.

    Each couple will walk this path in their own way. But gay partners shouldn't convince themselves they are helping the other partner, or that it is healthy, to have sex with somebody you already told you are breaking up with because you don't like having sex with them. That is just really really confusing to the person you're trying to extricate yourself from. And it can make them doubt themselves even more, when even after that you still don't stay.

    Men also need to be aware that a lot of women going through divorce don't have "break up sex." They have "let's make this work" sex. Sex is meaningful, especially when it's with your spouse of many years that you did not initiate the break-up with. The person who does the breaking up needs to be strong enough to say no, for the sake of the person being left. It most cases, it is going to send a mixed message and make them miss you and think they love you even more.
     
    #11 RainbowBright, Jun 29, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2015
  12. Tightrope

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    Wow. This seems to make a lot of sense.
     
  13. SiennaFire

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    +1

    Great insights from RainbowBright from the perspective of a woman. Thanks for sharing.