I have been in a long term committed heterosexual relationship since my College years.Fell inlove very quickly.15 years on with a family,A house in the suburbs with a white picket fence surrounded by friends.Five years ago I succumbed to attraction to women since my college years I have always had a fancy for the same sex.But never stepped into that territory,I never once over stepped myself into unknown waters but always imagined what it'd be like.I often wondered why I could not commit my life to my longterm spouse in marriage I knew fear played a big role in it. Fear I would make a regretful mistake bound together in infinity trapped by the fiancees that plagued us.I had spent five years wondering,convinced I was a closeted lesbian the world was unknown to me the community of fearless sexuality of being who I was meant to be excited me.I was so sure so very sure that I was infact gay,But now I'm not so sure.I freaked at this very possibility,What would my friends think? What would my children say? I will destroy everyone's happiness based off unknown facts of who I thought I was.Was it worth it? Of being so confused about ones sexuality? In my world it was not worth it I could not escape my fate.I have spent the last year *getting on with life* being this woman,partner,mother,friend,daughter,neighbour that everyone believes me to be.And the funny thing is I no longer desire that side of myself I don't crave anyone.I feel emotionless to feeling.The one thing that I can't get back is the craving for life,I don't crave to chase my dreams,I don't crave the idea of what it could be like to experience love from a woman.I don't even crave the one thing I thought I am Straight I don't crave for that life either I have no feelings towards anything no sexual desire.I truly believe it's psychological the thing I worry about now is,What if my desires to be with a woman come back? What if I get the feeling I'm queer and I can't hide from it forever,I can run but not escape it.Lately I have been finding my old ways to watch queer films,listen to queer music and look at women but the urges are not as strong as they once were my straight urges for my long life partner are non existent.I could live like this forever if I didn't have to live with the guilt of being a good partner who satisfies her man.What is happening to me? Will it come back in years timè? I just want to be set free from my mind for good:bang:
Welcome to EC :welcome: You have found a strong foundation of support as you work through the issues surrounding your sexuality (&&&) I came out to my wife a little over a week ago, and for the first time in my life I feel genuinely happy because I'm living authentically and living for me. I'm no longer living to meet the expectations of society, my family, or the neighbors. I'm being me. If you can discover your true self, then you too will rediscover your joy and love of life! Your posting identifies a lot of issues, so let's break this down. It's important to take baby steps, rather than try to process everything at once, which can be overwhelming. The first step is to figure out if you are a lesbian. I can only share with you my own experience as a gay man. I've always been attracted to other guys as early as the 6th grade. I remember looking in the showers to see which boys had pubic hair. Once I was married and had regular sex, my attraction to other guys was still present but modulated. I told myself that I'm having marital sex and enjoying it, so I must not be gay. Over the years this deception began to fail as I began to watch gay porn and longed to be with another guy. 5 years ago I came out to myself and began experimenting with other guys. Being with another guy felt right and gave me an extra dimension of my sexuality. I discovered what I was missing after all these years. Whether to tell your husband first and ask for permission to experiment OR to experiment and ask forgiveness is a tough call. I'll say this, it's probably easier for everyone involved to tell your husband first and ask for permission to experiment if you think that he would be understanding. I went the other path, and my wife felt betrayed when I came out to her. In summary, relax and break things down. The first step is to figure out if you are a lesbian...
I spent the years from 18/19 through 35 with my head in the sand ignoring my previous attraction to women (specifically one best friend), and through that time, and the process of becoming and being a spouse and mom, I lost a lot of what made me unique. I've spent the last year, since rediscovering that attraction, finding out who and what I am. You can read my story in my blog if you want more details. I can totally understand feeling like there isn't much desire in the world. To me, it happened when I shut down my sexuality and eventually the rest of me followed (especially post kids).
