I'm engaged but

I'm a woman and currently engaged to a man. He's very kind and we've been dating for three years. He understands me, or at least what I've given him to understand. The thing is, I'm also sexually & romantically attracted to women. This year, after several years of trying to suppress it, I finally admitted this to myself. I've taken a baby step. I love my fiancé, he's my best friend. I don't know how to even comprehend these feelings I have or even where to begin. I'm in a committed relationship and yet part of me wants to break up, move to a more progressive city and find my lady love. lol. The bigger part of me wants to stay with him forever and to deny these feelings. I will lose a lot to acknowledge them. I keep asking myself, "Am I happy right now?" My answer is usually: I'm content or satisfied but does that equate to happiness? What would you guys do? I feel so grateful to the people in my life but I know in my heart if I explore my sexuality any further I will lose many important people in my life. :tears:

 

I feel your anxiety, share it.[/QUOTE]

I'm very anxious. I can't experiment. I'm into monogamy and so is my guy. So we'd have to break up....:tears: Also, to go into detail, his ex wife is bisexual. He knew this going in to that relationship. Naturally this would be a yay for me, right? Wrong! Lol. She cheated on him with a woman....twice. :eusa_doh: So this makes it all the more harder for me. However I did tell him I was sexually fluid but....he's thinks I go back and forth from being asexual to heterosexual. Which isn't entirely true as you guys know now. Gosh I really don't want to hurt him. He's been hurt enough. I went into this relationship wanting to protect him from that but wouldn't lying to him be just as bad. I don't want to be like his ex wife who cheated. I want there to be honesty between us. This sucks :tears:

 

Thank you everyone! I didn't expect to get any replies at all so I really appreciate this! You're all so right. It's not fair to him. My anxiety comes from being guilty for not telling him. I'm still a coward so I'm going to wait a moment more before I tell him the truth. Maybe I'm a control freak but I want to make sure I'm in a good place so I don't get too depressed if we break up. I'm really glad I decided to join this website. :icon_bigg

 

To be honest I'm having a difficult time with that. My sexual orientation. I suppose pan-sexual might be accurate but right now I simply prefer sexually fluid. I guess to elaborate, I'm mostly attracted to women, sexually and romantically and have been for quite some time. However, I can be with a man and I can love him. I'm still a virgin in most respects and have limited sexual experience. (He's not but I'm hung on saving it for the right person, man or woman) This relationship I'm currently in is my first 'real' relationship. It's been lovely these past three years except the fact that I'm having a super hard time suppressing my desire to be with a woman more than ever before. In depth, I honestly don't care if the person I love has a penis or vagina, or once had a penis or vagina, or has neither or both. I just want a monogamous relationship with an adult who I love simply because of their beautiful mind & their wonderful heart. The bod and sex being secondary to the importance of the relationship. I really do lean more towards women though. They're very aesthetically appealing to me and I tend to connect more to them, although I often wonder if my brain is on some masculine wave length cause I can get old mannish in my thoughts. Like a super horn dog. lol. Boobs and lady butts and that glorious honey pot. yayaya. *sigh* I really feel comfortable with just saying sexually fluid at this moment. It's easier for me.

 

Thanks everyone. Just an hour ago I kind of broached the situation. I asked, "How would you feel if I told you I was bisexual?" (I think pan-sexuality might be too much for him to grasp, I have to start somewhere). He said he wouldn't be too comfortable since his ex-wife cheated on him with a woman. Twice. She pretty much set me up for failure. Thanks lady....He said he knew going in she was bisexual but what she did was tell him, ''She changed." Which wasn't the case. He said he didn't want to go there again and quickly changed the subject. *sigh* I also came out to a friend and he was like, "I already kind of knew." Yay! I'm taking baby steps. I'm the cautious type so I won't start running but I envy the people that do. We won't be married until December 2016. I have some time left to choose my path. Self-Discovery or Purposeful Repression.

 

Right now. When I think of him not being with me I feel this deep emotional pain at the pit of my stomach. He's been with me for three years. He's my best friend. Losing him would make me feel so alone. I'm not an easy person to understand but he gets me and that in a person is an invaluable trait. Albeit I don't feel these desires I have to be with a woman and have a loving relationship with a woman should be ignored. I want to acknowledge those feelings and explore them. I realize it's not fair to him. Sweet man that he is. I often feel undeserving of his love and devotion. It's probably true and I'm so ashamed at times when I let my mind wander freely.:icon_sad:

 

Yep, that's how I feel right now. I still have some time. It's why I chose to post here and not on some other topic. I wanted to talk with individuals who are/were married and decided to leave the marriage in order to be true to themselves and fair to their former partners. So I can get a better understanding of what my situation might be and learn from these nice people about the hardships I may possibly face. Yesterday I talked with him a little bit more about it and I don't feel nearly as anxious as I did when I kept everything bottled up. I'm really grateful for this website. :icon_bigg