Hey everyone. Been a while since I posted on here. I've been dating an awesome guy for about a month and a half now. It has been awesome! We totally click and have a great time talking and just being with each other. He knows I'm relatively inexperienced and only just recently completely out of the closet. We've begun having sex, and here's the issue. I can't get off when we are having sex! Sometimes I can't even keep going. He says he's ok, and that he knew what he was getting into when we started dating, but I feel like such a failure! Now he's in Mexico for a wedding and I just don't know what to feel. Part of me believes him that he's ok with the situation and the other part thinks after being away for a week he's going to have second thoughts. I know we haven't been together long, but it seriously feels like I could go the long haul with him. Did anyone else have "performance" issues in the beginning? How did you get through it?
I experienced performance issues when I tried to top bi-married guys who weren't into kissing. Never felt the deeper connection with them required for topping. When there's an emotional connection to the point where I shake when I was in his arms, I've never had a problem getting off. Looking at your orientation statement "Orientation: Maybe more gay than straight, but bi" I'm wondering if you still feel conflicted about your sexuality? Perhaps that's what's holding you back? Throwing ideas out there for you to consider ... HTH
I meant to change that to gay! I might be still a bit confused, and I definitely have an emotional connection with this guy. And I've actually been bottoming, when I go to top I get even more nervous Whenever I messed around prior to this I had no problem. Met a guy on a site, messed around, got off, left and that was it. This is literally the only time I've ever had the issue. I think I'm trying too hard and it's sticking in my head that I want to be so good for this guy. I just can't get out of my head!!!
Hi, I've been in a similar situation recently. Been dating a guy, 3 months now. We really click in a lot of ways too. I too had performance issues, which have subsided with just being more comfortable letting it all go and not trying overly hard. It gets in your head, and that doesn't help. I think you're on to something there. Just relax and have fun. It doesn't have to be perfect every time, and if he's someone you'll actually be with long term it won't be!
Worrying about "performance issues", gay or straight, causes performance issues. If you find it erotic being with him, you will eventually explore and figure out together what gets you excited enough to "perform". Meanwhile be patient, and let him know you care about him and want to interact sexually with him, and let him help you get over the performance jitters. "Performing" style and erogenous zones may be different for each of you, and there are many different ways you can be stimulated to "get off". Quit worrying about being the World's Greatest Stud, and just enjoy whatever you can do with him, because he is probably enjoying doing it with you anyway, whether you get off every time or not.
Hi cyclops79 Congratulations on coming out as Gay ride: You may want to try frotting until you feel more comfortable bottoming. Perhaps you may want to buy a dildo and practice while he's in in Mexico. I've had many enjoyable orgasms from both I agree with the other posters that you should relax and not worry about your performance. Cuming isn't the holy grail. Making out and being close to your partner is very satisfying in its own way. Perhaps you may want to share your concerns with your BF. If he's a keeper this could make you closer and may even push you over the edge HTH
Thanks everyone. I wouldn't go so far as to call him a boyfriend as of yet, but it's good when I'm with him. I know a lot of this is in my head, maybe I just need to take a step back and let things flow as naturally as possible. I can't let my anxiety sabotage my life anymore, it's just not how I want to live.
I play golf. There are times when I want to hit the perfect golf shot, such as putting the ball on the green from 140 yards out. When I think about hitting the perfect golf shot, guess what happens? I flub it When I focus on doing what is required to hit a great golf shot - the tempo of the swing and keeping my head down - I'm far more likely to hit a great shot. If you haven't done so - you may want to read The Velvet Rage. I just started reading it, and it's really helping me to understand the shame I feel and what it means to be a gay man. It's very compelling reading for me, and I highly recommend it.
I agree with the "golf" analogy. Thinking about "something" can hinder performance. I remember make or break exams in school. The more relaxed I was the better I did. Try ONE shot of whisky or favorite beverage to dull the nerviness edge. I second the book recommendation - The Velvet Rage. Good job on "explore and discover" to find your true self.
Thanks for the recommendation on the book. Maybe it's something I'll look into, but right now I think it'll just put extra worries into my head about being ashamed of Myself. Honestly I feel so much better since I've come out. I really am not ashamed of myself, maybe a little jealous that I waited as long as I did, but not Shame. I did have a good childhood, it was all me who didn't want to be the nonconformist in the family, and to be honest all of my family and friends have been beyond supportive and there when I've needed them since I've come out. I am a highly anxious person and have been looking into that as to why I worry about everything and can't just let it go. Looking into meditation and probiotics to help balance my Vegus nerve. The meditation works great, now the balance I'll need in my Vegus nerve will take a while to complete, but I'm in it to win it so to say.
Well, he just broke up with me. But in a way I'm ok with it. I think I do need to work on myself a bit more, and maybe jumping right into dating after just coming out wasn't the smartest thing.
