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Feelings about marriage equality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BMC77, Jul 9, 2015.

  1. BMC77

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    It's been nearly a week since the Supreme Court decision made marriage equality the law of the land. (Except in some odd corners of some of those troublesome southern states, of course, but that really should not surprise anyone).

    I am, of course, happy about the decision. And it's amazing to me how in a period of about a decade how we've gone from zero to full marriage equality. I feel a feeling of unreality about it--yes, this has happened!

    But on a personal level, I feel sort of dead inside. Maybe it's more of my pessimism, but I can't honestly imagine ever being married. I can't honestly imagine anyone even wanting to date me!

    My whining/pessimism/whatever aside, I suspect I'm not alone in thinking this will never happen to me. Those of us in Later in Life sometimes have...interesting baggage. If nothing else, we were born into a much different world, one in which being gay was considerably less well accepted than is the case today, and that world left its mark upon us; it left many of us seriously damaged, even.
     
  2. BeingEarnest

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    This is all still so new. It's possible, as the change really begins to sink in at a wider level, that later in life folks like us will feel safe enough to be out in the open. I am getting closer, but it still has major ramifications if I am completely out. The point is, we do not know how many other men our age are around us who may be thinking the same thing. Someone in your community may be looking for someone like you- how would you even know? How will he?

    When the news came out for the Supreme Court, it seemed surreal. I was and am happy. The real feeling was more like having some weight on my shoulder- which I wasn't even aware of- lifted. Not all the way, but enough to make a difference. I am thankful for those who struggled and sacrificed much to reach this point. I do hope to be married someday. But I am still in the beginning stages of dating. I'll take my time.
     
  3. Jeff

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    I think we will see more younger guys and girls coming out earlier. We've already seen this happening, but the pace will pick up even more.

    This will effect the older folks, ones older than 35 who were not able to come out and feel good about it. Then we will see an even greater shift to acceptance.

    I already feel a bit more comfortable about it, and told a younger guy I met in a parking lot that I liked guys. I was not coming on to him, but I wanted to see how it felt to come out within the first 5 or 10 minutes and see how it felt. It felt fine.

    Once society sees a ton of beautiful, rich and successful gay people in all walks of life it will get harder to discriminate. We are partly there, but a long way to go.

    This will make it easier to find a mate no matter what your age it. There will be more and more available guy people.

    I already see for more attractive guy men walking around, some holding hands than I ever saw back in the 80s or 90s even. Even the porn pictures I see, and gay selfies I see online are of handsome guys. Back when I was very young, and I saw some porn magazines - the (gay) guys looked druggy and kind of creepy in those magazines. I did not relate. Now the pictures and images that are seen are all various types, all types. I know porn should not represent anything, but the images are what is often seen by younger questioning kids. The google search "gay male sex pictures" and "same sex attraction" and they bring up these pictures. I am glad that many of the pictures that they bring up will look good, sweet innocent, and as american as apple pie. It's better than the creeps I saw at age 12 or 13 representing the so-called "gay lifestyle".

    So things are changing fast now, it's exciting.
     
  4. mangotree

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    I'm from Australia where we still don't have marriage equality for some reason.
    All the same though, the news from the US was very exciting.

    I consider myself "Later in life", even though I'm only 33.
    I have a lot of baggage from growing up assuming that no one would accept me and I also can't envision a future where I'm married to someone - legally or otherwise.

    For me - singleness feels normal and comforting most of the time.
    I think I need to work out how to change normal.
     
    #4 mangotree, Jul 9, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2015
  5. CyclingFan

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    Even if I never do the fact that I can means a lot.

    I remember how heartbreaking it was in the 80s watching people who could not visit thier partners of many years as they were dying in the hospital of aids.
     
  6. SimplyJay

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    This is me exactly. I know it simply isn't going to happen

    Even though I personally will never have need for the new equal marriage rights, I fully support it, and am very happy to see this finally happen :slight_smile:
     
  7. RainbowBright

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    In my opinion, you make your own reality. It sounds like too simplistic of an answer, but in terms of the law of romantic attraction, it's true. If you see yourself as worthy and carry yourself with confidence, people line up to try to meet whatever standard you set to be with you. If you see yourself as unworthy and unattractive, so does everybody else.

    It's like the business rule of exclusivity. When you're opening a club, the most important step is to create a buzz that this is a great place to be, and not just anyone can get in. Suddenly people are falling all over themselves to be worthy of being picked to go in. If you're some dingy old strip club joint in the corner of a strip mall, and you advertise like you know you're a filthy dive, and you're giving away free drink coupons right and left to convince people to just walk in the door, nobody but the lonely and desperate will enter.

    One can have quiet confidence without being an arrogant jerk. It simply takes living your life the way you feel you were meant to live it. If you have always wanted to be in shape, work out. If you have always wanted to travel, make it happen. If you want to be better in your career, learn how. If you want to be a good meditator, or to learn languages, do that. Confidence comes from actively working on yourself, trying new things, and taking risks. And a person who walks around with real confidence, who knows what they're about, and who knows they're a nice person and therefore a great catch, is somebody who has a line of people waiting to be with them.

    Telling yourself that nobody would want you is pretty much a way to guarantee you'll get nobody but an abuser. List out all the things you know make you a good partner. And then consider how many total @$$-holes there are in the world and realize that you actually rank pretty high among people's prospective partners. Just be kind to other people, and don't throw yourself at anyone desperate for them to like you (because there are plenty in line behind them if they don't appreciate you), and plenty of people will probably consider themselves very lucky to marry you.

    I see so many people putting themselves down on this website, and it just strikes me that that is the absolute opposite of the way to get a good, healthy relationship. It starts with the way you talk about and treat yourself. That may sound like nonsense, but it's really true. Attitude is everything. What if instead of this post, you wrote "I am so happy that gay marriage is legal now, and I can't wait to find the right one for me so I can exercise my rights!" That positive person is instantly a lot more attractive than the person putting themselves down. Maybe people used to put you down before, but you don't have to do their job for them when they're not around. Stand tall and know that you really do have a lot of unique things to offer, that someone would be lucky to bring into their life. But you have to believe it for it to be true. You decide how other people will treat you. Decide right now that you are deserving of respect, and of a great lifelong love from another person. You believing it, will make it happen. It might take practice every day for a year, but changing your attitude about yourself will change your whole life, and with it, your romantic prospects. Anyone who doesn't appreciate the work you've put into yourself, is not a person worthy of your time. Trust that there will be somebody else who will get you, and keep going.
     
  8. CodeForLife

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    So true and well stated! :thumbsup: I have understood this philosophy for a while, but practicing it is always a challenge for me. I have to consciously tell myself that "people don't care about you" to be strong enough to overcome my doubts, otherwise I always worry about how people perceive me, which then makes me more shy.
     
  9. lol. i can totally relate to this. marriage is so unbelievable to me right now. i mean, i can't even seem to find a great person to go on one cool date with without a hookup request. so when everyone was jumping up and down in my mind i was thinking, "can i get dating equality atleast right now?" :slight_smile: chin up. you'll find someone.
     
  10. QueerTransEnby

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    After having just broke up with my bf in May, it is bittersweet to me. He's not a bad person in and of itself, but he was not communicating enough to make it work. He didn't value time together enough.

    Despite being ugly, I haven't given up because I am a hopeless romantic I guess. If my dad could find someone to marry him(somehow), then why can't I?
     
  11. skiff

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    Where thoughts go energy flows. You think something is impossible it is. You think you are ugly, unworthy of friends or love YOU make it so. You miss 100% of shots you don't take.

    Change thinking and change the outcome.

    If you are over 45 yeah many gay guys died changing odds but the odds are only 0% if you choose them.
     
  12. skiff

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  13. looking for me

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    Rainbowbright, you my friend are a gem. i needed to read this i believe. thank you.(*hug*)
     
  14. Open Arms

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    I heard from a gay friend that not all gays are happy to have the right to marry because it forces them to decide whether or not to make the big leap. One partner might want to... the other not. I guess with same rights come same responsibilities.
     
  15. skiff

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    Right. Some people prefer discrimination....

    Maybe they prefer their motives remain hidden as long as discrimination at work follows their choice.
     
  16. Open Arms

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    I don't understand your post skiff. This was a gay guy friend who pointed out the reality for gays now which is that choices need to be made in close relationships and some are scared/unsure what to do. Same thing heteros have to go through. How is that discrimination?

    For some the choice is glorious; for others it may cause a strain in their relationship because one may want to commit for life, the other not.

    Am I coming across as anti-gay marriage? I'm all for it. I live in Canada eh. We've had gay marriage rights here for years already, and it's working fine.

    Gays have been so beaten down for so long in the US that I find them very sensitive on just everyday comments. A friend of mine who is Canadian, lesbian, Christian but out and very pro-gay everything said she just shuddered and felt ill after dining out with her brother's group of gay friends in the western US because of all the hetero and Christian bashing. She said it's an all-out cultural war in the US which is very sad. I hope this will improve with time. We don't have to put up with that %#@* here.

    Btw, I said Cut those guys some slack; they've had to suffer so much under the stupid so-called Moral Majority. Of course they're angry! But it really shook her up.
     
    #16 Open Arms, Jul 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2015
  17. Choirboy

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    Considering how hard women have had to work to STOP marriage from being the be-all, end-all of their existence, it would be sad if marriage equality meant that we all felt that we HAD to get married, and something was wrong with us if we didn’t. We now have the legal right to marry. It doesn’t mean we should feel inadequate if we DON’T get married, don’t WANT to get married, or aren’t in a relationship that appears DESTINED for marriage. It’s just an option now-- not a requirement.

    If anything, marriage equality should be one more reason to work on your own confidence and self-esteem and comfort level with being gay. It’s one more reason to NOT hide who you are and NOT be ashamed of it. But if you haven’t reached that level of comfort yet, it shouldn’t be another stick that you use to beat yourself up with.

    I find it rather appalling that the media, after pushing gay marriage for years, is now taking such glee in reporting almost exclusively on the nutjobs who have a problem with it. Fine, some county clerk in Kentucky is being an ass. My state has over 70 counties in it, and NO ONE is being an ass, even if they personally don’t like it. Yes, the Republican presidential front –runners were all against gay marriage, but one of them is already back-peddling to some extent, another is basically being shamed by his wife and sons over it, and you can bet that the issue will rather quickly become a source of discomfort for most of them that they’d rather not even discuss. And yes, there are religions that are still staunchly against gay marriage, but major denominations some have come out for it, while some are showing themselves to be pretty unhinged and hard to take seriously, and others are showing how their hierarchy is slipping further out of touch with a large part of their membership. Those are all very positive developments, but of course the media needs to fuel the fire to sell clicks and viewers, and they do it by making it seem like the nutjobs are much more prevalent than they really are. Only the extremes on one side of an argument or another get coverage; the huge number of people in the middle who, frankly, just want to live their lives and don’t much care either way, are forced to watch the ping-pong game.

    Marriage equality is just one more way to let us show the world that gay people are just PEOPLE first. The challenge is to see it as a new opportunity, not a new mandate. Live your life and be happy with having a new option, but only when and if you feel like using it.
     
  18. QueerTransEnby

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    Not sure how this thread got so partisan so fast, but I will say that people can change. Look at Hillary; she opposed marriage equality in 2008. I believe by 2020 that the Republicans will be reformed at the national level and have some pro equality candidates. In 1992, we saw the Democrats run a moderate Bill Clinton. Once Hillary is elected next year, the Republicans will have no choice to change or make marriage equality a non-issue and say "it's in the past". Like the old saying goes "adapt or die."

    And for the record, I have no dog in this fight as an independent.
     
  19. Choirboy

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    I personally only mentioned the Republican front runners to illustrate a point, not to be partisan. We're talking about personal feelings and reactions here, and I'd hate to see the discussion degenerate into political tomato tossing.
     
  20. 50ishandout

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