well today she saw my pink nail polish when she came to my office. At home she asked if I was going girly on her. I didn't want to lie anymore so I told her the truth. It is not pretty she is going through the stages of grief. We just went through both anger and bargaining. All that she is talking about what she is losing and how I am altering God's plan, etc. I know this is grief but I don't have answers for her. :tears: This is going to be hell
I'm sorry to hear that she has reacted this way. I think that it is best that the truth is out there now though. Do you know if she knows any information about transgender people? If not, it may be worth showing her some when she has processed the news some more. Hopefully, as time goes on, she will be willing to look at how you have been impacted by this as well. There are often many sides to a situation, and in the heat of the moment we often focus on on part of the situation. In this case, she is focusing on how this impacts her. As she works through the stages of grief, she may come around and be willing to see how this impacts both of you. Also, nobody can truly know and understand the plans that God (or any other deity for that matter) has for anybody. Even though it is hard, I would try to not let her words get to you. She is saying them to try to avoid or change the part of yourself that you have shared with her.
I realize she is in mourning. I tend to be empathic to her emotional states so this is chewing my soul too. I printed out some information from PFLAG hopefully she will look at it at some point
Maybe if you could somehow make her see you have not changed, but what has changed is her perception of you. After all weren't you transgender when you met, fell in love, and married? So what has really changed? Oh, you can now paint one-another's nails, enjoy cloths shopping now, and (be closer friends which is vital to a happy marriage). My experience has been I totally understand the other women (thought process as I most of the time think the same thing, or came to the same logical conclusion as her for the same steps or real close to her reasoning.) around me, and at 43 yo I know what to do when he ______ but have no clue why or how he got to ______ just how to handle the situation to avoid problems. When she realizes all is okay you can be even closer than ever. I am assuming you plan on staying a couple naturally. Good luck with the future, June
It's funny even as a male I was always girlies than her. It's going to be tough, I like shopping and jewelry and doing my nail, stuff she doesn't really like. I told my daughter the other day that now you have at least one feminine parent. My wife is a bit of a Tom boy, always was, but straighter than a ruler. Her adapting to that new reality is going to be difficult. 'Why do you want boobs?! I don't want you with boobs!"
Everyone is different but in general I think it does tend to be difficult for spouses to accept. Though most times the relationship doesn’t survive, sometimes couples do manage to stay together. But I think just like anything else for that to happen it’s going to take a dedicated effort, commitment on both parts. And probably even some outside intervention. I don’t know what part of Indiana you are in but there is a group for spouses and significant others in Indianapolis – group counseling so it can remain affordable. Though I’m sure you could arrange for private individual and couples counseling there as well if she would be open to it. If you’d like that contact info let me know. For now Straight Spouse dot org is a good resource in terms of putting her in contact with women who like her are going through or have been through similar. There is also an online message board forum, community for significant others at Daily strength dot org/groups/spouses-of-transgender.
I forget women of today are not molded to be either a feminine housewife (ME), or a working girl like a secretary, school teacher, etc. Male approved jobs for a woman where her femininity will not be compromised. Last night I had the shock of the year when at my best friend's house I actually watched tv (other than discs) to see a show I think is called "Modern Family" and even bigger shock was "The Simpsons" is still going. I have not watched a current tv program since "The X-Files" ran. So why not her be the masculine role in the house and you be the feminine and find a happy median? YES I HATE NOT HAVING BIGGER BOOBS! June
Yesterday was one of the roughest days of our marriage. Things are calmer now in the house, but there was a lot of angry words and crying on both sides. I ended up going for a walk that stretched out about 8 miles. My hips and feet were getting very sore and nighttime was approaching fast when my daughter and her boyfriend found me and brought me home. Part of her anger has been feeling cut off. I had stopped wearing my wedding ring last fall, I was not sleeping with her in bed (she can snore badly), and she felt cut out of the family emotionally (which she reinforced by shutting us out with her headphones). I agreed to move back in the bedroom conditioned on snoring and to begin wearing my ring with the idea that we would get a new feminine version in the near future. One day at a time is our new watch phrase. Perhaps as she gets more accustomed to my new self she will be more willing to accept my physical changes. We will see. In the end Mary and I were able to find a new equilibrium in our relationship that doesn't leave anyone out in the cold.
