Today I went to Out in the Park, a Pride event in Tacoma, WA. Out in the Park is poorly named--it actually takes place on a closed-off street. (I believe years back it was held in a park, and the name probably stuck.) There are a large number of booths--everything from people selling crafts to groups soliciting some sort of political support to various groups that somehow or other are LGBT specific. And there was at least one area where there was entertainment. This was my second year of this event. I was actually tempted not to go. "Been there, done that!" as the clichéd saying goes. However, there were some practical advantages. This Pride Event is fairly easy to get to, and in theory I can also do other things in Tacoma to justify my trip there. (That didn't work out, due a late start...) Plus it gave me a chance to see about collecting LGBT related items to wear (e.g. bracelets and pins). I was tempted--seriously tempted--by shirts that were cheap at $10. However...the specimens I looked at had issues with the "printing." So, in the end, I passed. Besides I'm not sure how much I'd wear a Tacoma Pride T shirt in daily life. Plus it gave me a chance to do "real world" interactions with other LGBT people. One tiresome thing: the way hands are out in hopes of being crossed with silver. I was hit with suggestions for donations more than once. Indeed, I even saw a donation box in the middle of the main path (suggested donation $5) to support, I gathered, the event. I begin to understand the frustrations LGBT people have had with being treated like a Gay ATM. The frustrating thing was the reminder of how seriously limited my real world interactions with LGBT people are. Indeed, in the last year, the only two events of any size I've attended have been Out in the Park 2014 and Out in the Park 2015. Apart from that, I've only had a few meetings with individual LGBT people. Some of whom may well not have a clue I'm gay. (I think I'm in a place right now of coming out only when it seems relevant to do so.) Although one sign of progress might be the fact that I did my grocery shopping today decorated with 3 pins, 1 sticker, and one bracelet, all of which were in support of LGBT. It was my regular store; many of the clerks know me.
You need to find a local LGBT support organization of some kind, maybe search the Meetup list for your area to find a group that gets together on a more regular basis, so that you can make some casual friends to go out and do stuff with, and meet people with similar interests who also happen to be gay. It doesn't only have to be "dating"; that is really the worst way to meet someone. Check out the social networking sites online too; sometime you can get lucky and find someone you like or meet a friend of theirs they hang out with you will like. Diversify and conquer! Whatever you do, don't think everyone is looking at you critically just because you are wearing a little bit of LGBT jewelry or a wristband. Most of them are thinking about themselves, or not at all. :icon_bigg
Next event might well be Out in the Park 2016, given how things have gone for me historically. :bang: Ever since joining EC, I've done the searches regularly in hopes of finding some regular, recurring real world option, and with little success. At lot of what turns up is in Seattle, and it's hard for me to get there. Particularly given that realistically I think one would have to go fairly regularly. Cash flow issues don't help, either. What I need is local "poor trash LGBT social group" that does fun things, like visit the library to check out the movies that normal people saw in the native movie habitat, the movie theater. At this point, I really can't imagine dating. I think there is something to be said for "friends first" before dating someone. And then, even if I decided I'll just jump into the world of dating, I don't think I could bring myself to it. I really am not very marketable at this point.
Local newspaper article on Out in the Park: All kinds of people wave flags, dance at Pride | Local News | The News Tribune A photo gallery, also can be accessed via the above article: Out in the Park: Rainbow-colored Pride | Local News Photos | The News Tribune
Why not open yourself up to any fun (and reasonably inexpensive) social opportunities, and just make it clear you're gay? I think we sometimes assume that we need to seek out specifically gay-oriented activities, and we shoot ourselves in the foot by doing it. Gay people are everywhere, and if you make yourself even just a little visible, some of the less open ones may welcome you. People are often very nice once you get to know them, and a lot of straight people have gay friends.
I have actually attempted part of this. Social opportunities are non-existent, and I assume will remain that way until/unless I manage to make a friend or two... Towards that end, I've kept an eye out for local activities that are: A) at least passably interesting B) free C) allow for interactions with other people. LGBT status of other attendees has been of zero concern. I am not interested in "only knowing" LGBT people. And I figure that LGBT people are everywhere, and our paths could cross at any number of possible events. And at times I've cynically thought: what difference does it make if I know any guys who are gay? It's not like anyone will want to date me. Pessimism aside...and also forgetting my total failure at even making one very casual friend...I do think my approach of attending local events that are of interest and that allow for some interaction is probably my best hope, at least given my current circumstances.
You know you can start a Facebook group for free. I met a great guy that way. Name it "Gay men of the (your area)". Then moderate it to keep members behaving.
I can relate to your frustration(s), that's why I quoted it. Generally Pride events are for show and tell not meet and greet. I agree with suggestions by other commenters. Two ships are sailing in an ocean but they each do not know another is sailing next to them - their respective lights are off. Turn your lights on.
It sounds to me like your trip to the Pride event has shown you that you really do want to be part of this community in your day to day life and that you feel like you aren't there yet. I think that's a great clarifying place to be--and I can say that that was pretty much my reaction to my first Pride event. Mine was a parade here in Chicago--it was over twenty years ago. I went alone because I only knew a couple gay guys and they weren't going. It was amazing! Nowadays over a million people attend the Chicago parade. Back then it wasn't quite like that but it was bigger and better than I could have ever imagined. There was so much love and joy and community and it was amazing--and then it was over and I realized there was this whole amazing thing going on out there and other than coming to watch the parade I wasn't part of it, not at all. I hadn't actually met any of these amazing people and it was over. And all my elation turned to dejection. And so I did something about it, right there, right then. I watched where people were going when the parade wound down and I followed them. I ended up in my first gay bar. I ordered a Coke because I don't really drink much and I was nervous, and I stood there for a while. And it looked like fun but again I was just standing there watching. So eventually I screwed up my courage and walked up to a group of people who seemed like they were having a particularly good time and said "Is it always like that?" And of course no one knew what I was talking about but eventually I managed to get out that I'd never been to the parade before. When it eventually emerged that I had also never been to a gay bar before and was from Utah to boot I became a bit of a sensation and I was ushered around and introduced to people, a lot of people. Eventually I fell in with a group of guys who became my central friend group for most of my twenties. Twenty some odd years later I'm still friends with most of them. Since then there's been charity groups, political groups, I ran a gay book group, my fiancé was in a gay choir, I've cheered on friends in their gay sports leagues. But it all started in that gay bar on the parade route when I walked up to someone and said "Is it always like that?" Maybe for you it won't be a gay bar. There are any number of things it won't be but find one while the feeling is still fresh, find one and go out there and tell people you're new and you don't know what to do but you want to be part of all of it. Don't edge around it, don't pretend you're comfortable when you're not. Be yourself and tell people what you want. Everyone was new and unsure at one point and in my experience most LGBT people remember all too well what that was like. Good luck!
BMC: Congrats on going to Pride in the Park. Every step, no matter how big or how small, is a positive step on the journey -- and worth celebrating. One of the toughest challenges in my "out" life has been shifting my thinking about myself and sustaining that shift in a positive way. Overcoming mental inertia about my perceived worthiness has taken considerable focused effort, and it's often been frustratingly slow and difficult. But I keep chipping away at the problem because ultimately I am responsible for my journey, good or bad. This has been a tough pill to swallow -- I just want all good things to happen magically and effortlessly (which of course doesn't happen). So yeah... I gotta write in my journal regularly to help process my thoughts and feelings; I have to reflect on my accomplishments; I have to practice being grateful; I have to set positive intentions; I have to practice positive self-talk; I gotta make time to listen to the music and smell the flowers; I have to socialize even when I'd rather just stay home; I gotta exercise and get out of the house even when the weather's miserable; I need to smile at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm OK. Chip, chip, chip... Am I done yet? No way. More work, lots more chipping away. But this summer I have felt more positive about myself and about life in general than I have in many years. I'm laying the groundwork bit by bit, step by step, day by day. It's agonizingly slow, but I'm feeling the subtle shift toward a brighter mindset -- and you know what, it feels pretty damn good... So, keep going to Pride in the Park, to the library, to the movies, whatever it takes -- and permit yourself to celebrate each moment, if you can. Thanks for sharing your story, fellow traveler.
Good write up. I'm finding it helpful. Two birds with one stone. ---------- Post added 14th Jul 2015 at 08:10 AM ---------- Good write up. Thanks.