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Confused and lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Scabino, Jul 12, 2015.

  1. Scabino

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    Hi.

    To be honest, I don't even know why I'm typing this. This summer is really affects me as never before.
    I'm 19 years old, very soon I'm gonna become 20. And the thing is, I'm a virgin. Not like sex virgin but a complete virgin.
    I never was in a relationship, I never had a kiss, I never experienced feelings towards anyone. And I don't have my hopes up in finding any person because I was 'lucky' enough to be born in a homophobic country. (Russia)

    To complete this list of misery, I'm a weak person. Physically and sometimes mentally. I look like a 15-16 year old teenager. I never was in gym and I know I never gonna be. I only feel comfortable in the company of girls and I'm getting totally weird with guys.
    I have a difficult character. I'm egoistic, cold, arrogant and honest. Worst qualities combined. But I'm not fem or queeny.

    At school, I believed that when I go to University, everything will change. I will move to different city with big population and I start a new life. In reality, I ended up moving to another province and now it became even worse. I don't have any friends. At all. There's only one person that knows I'm a gay and we're not particulary close to each other since I moved.
    I'm tired. I love my lonliness but this...This is too much lonliness for me. I don't know if it's worth living with an only hope that someday, when I finish my studies, I emigrate to Europe or America and finally will be able to find someone. But even there, with my kind of character...They say that everyone has a half that wait you there somewhere. I'm afraid I don't have one.

    I'm confused and I'm lost.
    Is it worth it?

    P.S. Sorry if I'm posting wrong area. I just feel I need an advice from experienced people.
     
  2. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi.

    Welcome. You are in the right place.

    You are in prime position to emigrate to a gay friendly city with large gay population.

    Russia's stance may move you to the top of a list as a refugee seeking safe haven.

    It is all perspective.

    I would tell my 20 year old son the same thing.

    You are smart. All gays are survivors. Use it. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 skiff, Jul 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2015
  3. warthog

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    Scabino,

    Welcome to the forum. you actually sound like a very nice person with all those qualities !

    Now I think I could shed some light, as it seems we are both very similar in some aspects.

    I'm not 20 anymore of course, but I too come from a VERY homophobic environment, and

    I relish solitude, I was a virgin till the age of 28, and in some ways I am still a virgin. I am

    socially awkward, not at all buff, and at times seem aloof and somewhat aggressive to

    people who don't truly know me.

    So let me tell you this : It does get better, and you will someday be very surprised by the

    Appearance of someone special in your life when you least expect it, you just have to

    believe me when I say this. It WILL be worth it.

    Keep that chin up.
     
  4. quebec

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    Scabino.....Welcome EC! it definitely sounds like you have some difficult things piled up against you. and yeah Russia is not the best place for gays. But you have one thing going for you that's tremendous and very important… Time. It may not seem like it now but even a few years can make a very large difference. In a few years you may be able to completely leave Russia. You may find a job that you love and you may find people that love you. It's a very large world out there and you have the time to explore it, use it. In the meantime, use all the resources here on EC, ask questions, get advice, listen to what the people here have to say. They will help, they will do everything in their power to help you. There are so many people here on EC that there are undoubtedly some who have gone through some of the things that you have and are dealing with or have dealt with some of the problems you have. They will help - ask for their help and they will give it that's what EC is all about… David
     
  5. Scabino

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    Thank you everyone for your replies. It does mean a lot.

    This whole depression of mine is rather about me not being able to find a person that could accept me the way I am rather than about me fearing that I wouldn't be able to leave this country, eventually.
    It's really bothers me. Seriously, what are my chance of finding a gay guy that would like someone with my appearance and character? That's probably a rhetorical question...
     
  6. nerdbrain

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    Hi Scabino,

    Russia is a shitty place to be gay. That being said, it seems like your problem right now is less about your environment than it is about your low self-esteem.

    You said you don't like your body or your character. It's understandable, and the two are related. It's hard to find the energy to exercise when you feel like shit.

    But the fact is that both your body and character can be changed -- by you. You probably won't become an athlete, but you can definitely make small improvements that make you feel healthier and stronger every day. Going for walks, 20 minutes of aerobics, some push ups and sit ups, stretching. Eating healthier as well.

    Don't try to do everything at once. Just consider the fact that you've been given this body and it's the only one you'll ever have. It's up to you whether you choose to take care of it or let things get worse.

    As for character, I can identify with a lot of what you're saying. I think that attitude comes from a feeling of isolation and persecution. It's a defensive attitude -- like everyone is out to hurt you. Try considering the fact that most people aren't too concerned about you, one way or the other. In fact, most people have their own problems and private pain. It may not be as bad as yours but it's also worthy of compassion.

    Sure, it's not fair that you should give people compassion when you're not getting any yourself, but you will find that the more you are able to empathize with others and respect them, the more of those good feelings will come your way.

    I hope this doesn't sound like bullshit or platitudes to you. I know that when you feel lonely and isolated things can seem hopeless. You've taken a good first step by coming to EC. Try finding other communities online. There must be groups for gay people in Russia. See if you can take a trip to a bigger city and try to spend some time in areas where there are more gay people.

    Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck and stay strong.