Need advice on how to go through the process of dating a straight girl.

I think you really may end up hurting your girlfriend too if she finds out you're gay and aren't attracted to her. Women are very sensitive about their self-image and are easily destroyed if they don't fit what you like, so it really wouldn't be fair to her if she needs someone who can accept her and desires her. I don't know your circumstances, but isn't it better to find a closeted lesbian who will play along?

 

If you can, go see the movie Boulevard, it is Robin Williams' last movie and it is about an older, closeted gay man who discovers he can no longer deny who he is.

I don't think there is anything we can tell you here that will change your mind, including the story of my own 20-year marriage that ended because there was no sexual attraction between my ex and me. If you do change your mind, you will be avoiding a world of hurt.

So, to answer your question, I cannot in good conscience give you advice on how to date a straight girl, it would simply not be ethical.

 

Excellent questions. I can only say that the need for human intimacy never declines. Sure, you can say that the force of the sexual impulse is lessened as we age, but the need to be intimate does not disappear, in fact, it becomes much more complex, imaginative and interesting.

Women's sex drives peak in their mid-thirties, whereas for men, the peak is in the early twenties. But again, a good marriage demands a healthy sex life, and there are ways of keeping desire alive as they age together.

I will repeat this: a good and healthy marriage requires a healthy sexual component, made all the more sublime by the addition of affection and love and a shared fate. Being gay will not go away, and as you age, your resistance to this sexual orientation will decline. Being gay will prevent you from enjoying the kind of sex life that she, more than you deserves.

In this case at least, you can be too strong in your ability to repress who you are, but as you age, those closet walls will crumble eventually...

 

I'm wondering where this idea to live "straight" came from? Obviously, you've put some thought into this decision, but it looks like you've only considered how YOU will survive this future possible marriage. What about your wife? While I have met many women who are more in love with the idea of being in love with someone, than actually being in love with them, and you might be able to get to the altar with one of these types, she will eventually notice that you aren't attracted to her. She'll be crushed, spend days, month, maybe years in self-doubt. She'll try to change, become a better cook or housekeeper, a better mother, whatever she thinks she is lacking to be the woman that you want her to be. And then come the affairs. Emotional, at first - the cute guy in the office who always compliments her or has a listening ear - then a night out with "the girls." Oh! the guilt! Eventually, she'll blame you for "making" her cheat. By the time you get divorced, you'll hate each other.
And let us not forget your children, innocent bystanders in this farce. I once heard it said that the greatest thing a man could do for his children was to love their mother. And you may actually have some affection for her in the beginning. Your kids, however, will notice the cracks in your relationship. They will blame you for every time they see the light in her eyes die. When their mother finds someone else, they'll judge her for her affairs, and their relationship with her will also suffer. They will swear to never end up like their parents, and say they're never getting married or having kids.
What about your parents? They have to sit on the sidelines and watch this travesty. Do you want that kind of heartbreak for them?


Also, I can't really speak to whether anyone else's libido dropped off after their teen years, but I'm in my thirties, and there are some days I'd take the seat off a bicycle!

 

For your own sake, please don't do this, your only going to hurt yourself by doing so; and it would be unfair to lead any girls on if you're not straight.

 

Hi, putting aside the gay/straight issue for a moment (if only we could sometimes!), the even bigger issue is building a relationship on trust and honesty. Old fashioned monogamous heterosexual marriage isn't the only way to build a partnership. If you feel you want that type of relationship in all except sexuality then my heartfelt advice is to start talking with people who are open to this. Maybe you can build a life with a woman who, for her own reasons, wants a partner who is not sexual with her. The relationship could work out as two intensely committed friends building a modern family together BUT ONLY IF you both are open about this format and what you want from it and can't give to it.

I'm sorry but I agree with many of the other replies here when they say that going into dating and marriage hoping to keep a lie hidden is going to end up hurting her especially (it is a deep form of betrayal) and you eventually too. Most of the closeted gay and lesbian people who have found their way into marriage have got there through self denial, repressing themselves and societal pressure. But you have obviously thought about it deeply and have the benefit of some self knowledge and a supportive community to help you not make the same mistake.
Love yourself and your future partner - be open from the start.

 

Since you know you are gay NOW and not the least bit misunderstanding or confused about your sexuality like many of us older guys were when we got married in the homophobic previous century, just don't do it.

 

As a woman who is questioning my orientation, and in my 40s, who has unsuccessfully dated a few men, I would be utterly livid I married, in good faith, anyone who knew they were gay, hid it, and had such a disordered view of it to the point of believing, as you state, "to be honest, homosexuality should be categorized as a major disability." What you are doing will not only hurt yourself, but deeply hurt your partner. If you can't think about yourself, think about what you are doing to whomever you deceive into a marriage or dating relationship. Quite simply, what you are propose is not cool at all. To be honest myself, I have my doubts about what your real motives for this thread are.

 

HIV and AIDs can happen through heterosexual intercourse too, since plenty of straight people have anal sex. The risk is even higher with an uptight christian girl who believes she's a "virgin" and used unprotected anal sex as a loophole. And vaginas are pretty easily infected with diseases too. Even blowjobs can spread HIV if semen touches open sores or cuts in your mouth, so a girl can give you HIV that way too.

Basically, you should always use protection with both men and women. Only dating women will NOT save you from diseases.

 

I have not often seen so many unsupported assumptions per square inch, I don't know where to begin!

Well, I do, actually; the part that I bolded above is a good start. It is estimated that, worldwide, about 10% of the population is left-handed, there was a time not too long ago when this was considered "abnormal" and there are horror stories of kids being forced to write with the "right" hand. Would you consider them abnormal, or afflicted with a "major disability"?

Oddly enough, higher-end estimates of the worldwide percentage of LGBT folk also revolve around that 10% figure. This is independent of country, race, religion, or any of the other things that make us different. In your country, the latest population estimate for the US (in 2014) is 318.9 million people, 10% of that translates to 31.9 million people...That's a pretty high number...granted, it's a proportionately small number, but I must ask the OP: at what point does "abnormal" become normal?

Sadly, there are diseases that gay guys can catch, but this also applies to our heterosexual counterparts. If you practice safer sex, along with other precautions, your chances of catching anything are extremely low. For example, in recently published results from the PARTNER study, which followed 1110 partnered couples (in 2014) where only one of the two is HIV positive (a serodiscordant couple), but well-controlled with medication, and the non-HIV partner always uses protection, over the span of two years, there was zero transmission to the uninfected partner. Let me repeat that, zero transmission.

In summary, the evidence, as opposed to unfounded assumptions (and let's face it: bald-faced homophobic lies) clearly indicates that being gay is normal, just as being left-handed is generally considered normal, and that safe-sex practices are effective at keeping us safe; allowing us to live normal lifespans, and to engage in loving, intimate and dignified relationships.

 

This is incredibly cruel to the woman. You will knowingly and intentionally be destroying her life. So many women in such situations were they feel unloved and undesired, or who find out their entire life has been a lie, become depressed and die by suicide. Many others suffer the extreme stress of it for years or decades, and it causes an immune system collapse and they end up with cancer or another serious disease. Even if she survives this horrible experience, the situation will likely end in divorce, and she will struggle the rest of her life to ever trust someone again or ever feel good about herself again. This is an ABUSIVE relationship you are suggesting, created by a pathological liar.

It is very upsetting that you would be willing to destroy another person's life and possibly only shot at happiness just for your own selfish reasons.

There is a reason they say "The truth shall set you free." Honesty about who you are, and what makes you happy, is the only way to go. No one can make you accept yourself, but there is endless literature out there to support that coming out and living life as a gay person is the healthiest thing you can do, and there are endless resources to help you do it. It is your choice if you don't want to try. But unless you are in a country where you will be put to death for admitting you are gay, and you have no way of moving to a safer country, there are ways to be honest and survive being born gay - and yes, even be very happy and at peace with yourself - without actively hurting a prospective partner.

You are the only one living your life. Living your life for the happiness of others is never going to accomplish much, because it is one-sided - no one else on Earth will ever live their lives just for your happiness. The more you sacrifice yourself for people, the more they take. But if you try taking small steps at a time to do what actually makes you happy in life, and to follow the instinct that God gave you (it is the voice of God WITHIN you, God speaking directly to you, where all the other voices and words are just people), then you can gradually become more and more at peace with where you are in life, and the suffering will stop.

Pain comes from having expectations that life should be different from how it is. Accepting who you are, and learning to breathe into the life that you were given, is the way to find peace and joy in who you are. No one's saying it's easy. But it IS doable, people all over the world in every nation have done and are doing it. It is possible. But to find happiness, you need to stop focusing on the negativity, the self-hatred, and focus on the positive things you DO have in life.

 

Lifeasitis, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think you could find a lot of benefit in going to talk to a therapist. Some of the things you say suggest deep social damage that's lead you to believe being gay is practical death-sentence to any happiness you want in life. But it isn't! I know society has raised many of us to feel that way, but that feeling comes from psychological damage and repression being enforced on us. Things you're saying sound misinformed. Just be careful. Depending on your community it may be more difficult to find an affirming therapist. Some people still treat being gay like a mental disorder that needs to be "fixed". In truth, these people are inflicting MORE HARM on you, and not helping you find happiness. If you run into someone like this, ditch them and find a different therapist.

You have a right to be happy, and you should do your best to find that happiness. I was born the wrong gender, and it took me a long time to even start to be ok with that. Repressing it doesn't help. Your sexual orientation isn't "wrong", the shame associated with that orientation that was forced on you is wrong. And there's a brighter future too. Gay marriage was legalized. America and many other countries in the world are coming around on gay rights. You're going to find that the discrimination against gay people will be thrown down just as discrimination against race and religion.

Above all DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. I know a lot of what you read here today may make it seem like you have no options. You are not doomed. Please, above all, if you are feeling trapped, alone, and out of options, reach out for help. There is a suicide hotline for gay youth you can call at 866-488-7386. Talk about it on forums like this, find LGBT communities. You don't have to face this alone.