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i chickened out of coming out....feeling unauthentic . need support.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by timeforchange, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. hi guys. i need some advice and support and what better place to do it then here i guess. so i went to a party for work and i there was mingling. some company was launching a new product and had a big party to celebrate the launch. it was not "gay" labeled event. yes, there were gay people there of course but it was a suit and tie event and most of the men there you could not tell if they were gay or not.

    i was being friendly with one lady and we even danced. but it was all in just good fun..or so i thought. i was dressed up and got a lot of compliments on my attire. but then thing somewhat went south. she started to say things, like, "are you gay?" again, this was a work event and although she was not one of my clients, i felt really put on the spot and it came out of nowhere and i was not prepared to answer that question. i said i was not but even if i was, what difference would that make since we are just mingling. then she said it a few other times but it was not in a supportive way. there were a few gay guys (more clearly out and obvious) and she was like, "you should party with them". she asked me it i could untwist a bottle top off this thing she had and it was stuck on there pretty tight so i couldnt budge it and she said that i must be gay for sure. she said things like this for about four times. i was just having fun and i should have just ended the conversation with her and moved on to someone else but for some reason i did not. i think she may have liked me and since i was not coming to her she started in with the "are you gay" thing. also when you are dressed well women automatically always ask me, "you're dressed way too nice, you must be gay". i find it really offensive. not that is is anything wrong with being gay (i am bi) but it's just not anyone's business and i hate the small minded associations people make.

    i ended up finally leaving her and then another guy complimented me on my outfit and told me i looked great and was very attractive. i said thank you. then he said, what is your orientation. i said, "huh" he said are you gay or straight. this was in 1 minutes of me meeting him. i am not out at work as bi and in general, i do not go around shouting this from the rooftops because I am still trying to get comfortable with myself. i asked him if he was coming onto me and he said he was sorry and i told him i was not gay but it was ok, no problem.

    he was not my type and if so, maybe i would have answered differently but i just was not interested and it felt really intrusive within 1 minute of me meeting him.

    so i guess my problem is i do not owe anyone an explanation and honestly it's so confusing for me to deal with my own sexuality let alone have to be able to explain it to others. i have come out to some close friends and family but not out to everyone. i am your average joe type of guy in terms of masculinity. usually i am assumed to be straight but since i am alone a lot and dressed well people assume or ask if i am gay and it's really just hard for me to deal with that.

    maybe the guy could have been a potential friend because he seemed nice but it just felt too much too soon. i mean, when i meet guys that i may be attracted to, i do not ask them at the gym (oh, can i borrow that weight, by the way are you gay?"). it just is off-putting. i feel like i give guys space to tell me if they are gay or not whether i assume it or already know it. i want that same space.

    as far as the girl she was being a rude and felt like it was her business to know my business and that was intrusive. i mean, i dont go up to women and say, "you seem independent, you must be into other women or a lesbian, are you?" because that is rude.

    so until i can be more free, is it bad to lie. i mean technically i am not gay as i am bi but the point is, what does it matter. and i do not owe anyone that until i am ready. i just feel a bit unauthenic. any advice....?

    on a more positive note, i did meet a guy that seemed nice. a bit nerdy and that was fine with me. we exchanged business cards and when i saw him and he saw me i definitely got the gay vibes for sure. he ended up emailing me and suggested we grab drinks or a bit. which i accepted and were going to meet up. if the topic comes up, i think i will feel comfortable telling him but i think he already knows. it could be cool to have a friend. i guess i just need to feel like i am not being interrogated and i can come out to those i want to in places that are more one on one.
     
    #1 timeforchange, Jul 16, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2015
  2. 50ishandout

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    She's a bitch. You should have told him bi, and finally enjoy the drinks.
     
  3. thanks. yes, she was not someone i would like to be around.

    i did not tell the guy i was bi.

    i am going out with another guy i met there and if it comes up, i feel safe to say i am bi.

    ---------- Post added 16th Jul 2015 at 01:37 PM ----------

    ya now, it kinda bothers me that i stuck around as long as i did with her and also it bothered me that i felt bad about it. i feel ashamed that as old as i am i was not assertive enough to cut communication with someone that was being rude. usually i am. but i now am feel guilty for not being more assertive.
     
  4. bi2me

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    Maybe try to think of something you would want to say in reply if someone asks that again. Something like, "Why do you want to know? Are you interested?" Or "it seems a bit early in our relationship to discuss sex"

    I've passed on the opportunity to come out, but it is usually due to specific circumstances of it not being an appropriate conversation to have at that time or with that person. I'm working towards the confidence to be more out.
     
  5. the person that asks this type of intrusive question almost always takes any answer other than "no" as 'yes" and will tell you that to your face. these people and they feel like it's their right to know. it's not. they almost always say "why are you getting defensive it's not anything wrong with being gay". but they say that in order to put you on the defense and look like they are supportive when in fact they are really not. i think straight people

    how does this sounds...Are you gay?

    response: are you?
    response: what sexual position if your favorite? i just thought that since we're getting personal within 2 minutes i should know everything about your sex life.

    response: (i say nothing and walk away)
    response: (sounds like you think you already know, so just go with whatever you think. either way you've already made up your mind since your'e asking me.)


    the fact that your'e asking me that

    Possible responses:

    Sorry, that's not something that you should ask people.
    Their response: ok, you must be gay since you didn't answer the question.

    Possible response:
    Why, do you want to hook me up with someone?

    Possible response:
    I'm human.

    Possible response:
    It's 2015, why is that even a question?

    possible response:
    sorry, i'm not into labels

    possible response:
    i'll let you know right before we have sex.

    possible response:
    sorry that not an appropriate question to ask someone you just met.

    possible response:
    if someone is gay and they want you to know they will tell you. you do not have to ask.

    possible response:
    why is someone's sexuality important to you?

    ---------- Post added 16th Jul 2015 at 04:00 PM ----------

    well when i came out to a friend once she started to say 'oh i knew it. because you dress well. and you dont do this or you do that..." but everything she said tried to reduce me into some gay box and i was very frustrated because i am me. what i like or dislike or things that i do or dont do have nothing to do with being gay. i dress well because i just like to dress well. it doesn't mean that i'm less than any straight guy that dresses well. it just feels like when these people make these labels and boxes and try and force people into some one-size fits all gay, it's frustrating because i am just me. the only thing being gay or bi does is make me attracted to guys. there's no gay fashion gene. i think sometimes people particularly straight women get threatened by a guy that they cannot have and does not want them and they have to somehow reduce him down to a "gay box" so they can feel better about that the fact that there's no way in heck he would ever want her. i think it makes them feel better about theirselves. i just think some women can't stand to see a guy that does not fit the sterotypes because it threatens their sense of beauty and security and they can be quite mean about it. i wonder why they do this. its' very hurtful. especically when you are just trying to get confidence in yourself.

    ---------- Post added 16th Jul 2015 at 04:16 PM ----------

    how about this one: im sorry, i never discuss sex, religion, or politics with people i just meet.