the biggest step i have taken!

Congratulations on taking this huge step forward!

I recently joined a gay dad support group and had to provide my real name. That was scary, but I had to trust the confidentiality policy of the group. I met a great group of guys that have been a source of great support.

What is your worst fear about what can happen with your picture? Are you afraid that you may know someone in the group?

Best

 

Congrats. I flirted with a woman in a bar tonight having an early evening after work drink before heading home, she flirted back, we touched arms and I told her I hoped our paths would cross again, she said the same thing. While nothing came of it and she left with a friend, I left feeling like a teenage girl. It is the first time I seriously flirted and liked it and walked home happy, rather than flirting because I felt like it was something I should do, since I can remember.

 

My biggest fear is that I may know someone in the gay dad support group. If that happens, I would take them aside and explain my situation and ask for their confidentiality. I would hope that you could do something similar if facing a similar situation.

You own your own sexual identification, which is fluid over time, so I don't understand why you can't go back to women in the unlikely event that dating a gay guy isn't a totally life changing experience

I'm not sure your line of work; however, I can't imagine that being bi or gay in CA would be a showstopper. You've taken the baby step of joining a gay meetup, so the possibility of this being front page news is small.

In order to find authenticity, we have to take risks. You are doing the right thing by reaching out to the gay meetup.

 

SiennaFire - That has held me back a bit too, even though I work in the sort of environment where I know it wouldn't be an issue, and I'm sure my friends would not care, but that would make it 'real' in a way I'm not sure that I'm quite ready for yet.

 

I'm wondering Logan40 if you feel some shame around your sexuality? The shame held me back for the longest time until my desire for authenticity exceeded the shame. This is the escape velocity for coming out. Once past this threshold, the possibility of a friend or coworker knowing that I'm gay isn't a big deal. I simply roll with it ride:

HTH

 

timeforchange, I was seriously considering joining one of these in my area (or an hour or so away) recently, and even saw some cute guys in a few of them, but I couldn't collect the courage to do so yet. :icon_redf

Everyone's comments here are helpful though. Thanks!

 

I would like to say yes, but the real answer is no for now. A few of my concerns are: what would I say if people asked, what did you do that day? and what if I saw someone that knows me while I was in a large group of gay guys? Yeah, I shouldn't care what others think, but I still do. Do their opinions matter if they disapprove, not really, but if they spread the word, then I potentially have to answer to a lot more people.

Eventually I'll have to do this since it's the right thing to do, but I'm not mentally ready to deal with that right now. When will I be? I don't have that answer.

 

Yeah, agreed that a meetup is a far better way to meet a guy than a bar -- I assume, I haven't been to either yet. Personally, I am also not really into the stereotypical (flamboyant?) gay guy or more feminine-acting gay guy. Would I socialize with the group and enjoy their company, probably yes. But, if I'm looking for the right guy, it would be awkward if I didn't have a connection with anyone there.

If you've got the courage to join one though, I would definitely be interested to hear about how your experience went. (*hug*)

 

Our courageous baby steps force us to feel and confront the shame of being bisexual or gay as we embrace our desire to live authentically as our true selves. I posted a blog entry to list resources that have helped me deal with the shame of being gay on my own journey of discovery. Hopefully you will find them useful as well.

Hopefully I've set the permissions correctly so that everybody can read it If not let me know.

 

For those who want to join a MeetUp-type group but are afraid because of profile pictures: after you have been accepted to the group, you can go back in to your profile at any time and change the picture to a landscape or whatever else. Usually, the group leader will not even notice. If you try to reply to discussions, or to RSVP for an event, you MIGHT get a request from the group leader to put your picture back up, in which case you can do it for the event and then change it back later.

Often they want your picture to confirm you're real, and also for safety so they can recognize everyone at the event and be sure no one unsafe is trying to infiltrate the group. It also allows people to recognize if a banned member shows up, who may have been kicked out for inappropriate behavior or trying to out someone. But if you limit the amount of time that people have access to your image, it can help protect privacy. I had a person stalk me in the past on MeetUp and so had to change my profile pics and account names multiple times to be able to go to groups without that person always showing up, and admitting they joined the group or RSVP'ed to an event just because they thought I would be there, even when the group has nothing to do with their demographic or interests. (I made the mistake of being friendly to this person who clearly didn't have a lot of friends, and then she became obsessive and tried to become a central part of my life in a matter of weeks.) Safety first!

Perhaps this tip will help a few people to attend who have not found the nerve already.

I would recommend that as with any online presence, you make sure to make your privacy options as private as possible, and consider not using your actual, or not your full, name. People are usually fine with this when I give them my name when asked, or when we meet in person and I explain why I use a different profile online, which is simply for safety reasons and not because I'm shady.

Make sure to keep all of your group memberships private, so no one can see what you belong to and piece things together in groups that have nothing to do with being gay.

For the most part, anyone who sees your photo online, or who meets you at a group, is also LGBTQ, and is just as afraid of you outing them as you are of them outing you. So if you recognize someone, so much the better because that person can be a ready-made friend, because they are going through the same struggle you are to come out, or stay closeted, in your local community.

Good luck! I don't live in a place that has MeetUp anymore, so enjoy the opportunities it affords you, and if you don't see a group that fits you, start your own!

 

i joined a support group for gay dads - and i'm not worried about running into someone there I may know - for me its kind of like - well, i'm here because i'm gay - why are you here? If you run into someone you know, it should be a celebration that you have met another like minded person.
For me, each day since I came out to my wife it gets easier to tell people. I've told my boss, I felt like he needed to know so that he would not have to wonder if all of the sudden I crash and burn - I am considered a high performer - so I told my boss if he suddenly sees something and he is like "hmmm - that 's strange... " he will know why. He fully supported me and told me if I needed anything just call him. I've told several friends and I have told two of my buddies at the gym who are NOT gay - as they know wife and I are separating soon - they have been helping me with all the separation issues - so I felt in full transparency, they needed to know what was happening. They fully support me and even told me if I needed a place to stay or help moving out to let them know -- and this was in the locker room after showers
Two of my closest gay friends are getting married at the end of August - so I will attend my first gay wedding at that time - talk about coming out --- and thinking what if I run into someone there -- and you know what ? I don't care!
After 23 years of hiding - I'm out - and like my gym buddy said - if anyone turns on you then you don't want that person in your life anyway --and this guy is 150% straight
Just my perspective... as I prepare to tell my kids this weekend....

 

I can relate to your post..it seems to be accepted by the gay community you need to out n proud being gay... anything less n you risk facing ridicule either people being directly rude to your face or showing their displeasure by ignoring your presence or something..its the same thing wherever you go bars meetups events... you should have a thick skin to absorb all of these if you really want to open up and looking to make friends..personally I don't take ridicule well or have a thick skin soo I have stopped looking for connections n friendship in the gay world.its my personal choice for now..I feel safer to be in the closet n in the st8 world its lonely sometimes but at least it saves me from harshness n ridicule...

 

I attended my first meetup today and it was great. However, I should mention that it was about an hour or so away from where I live. This made it much easier for me to take that first step. Most of the women that I met were in the exact same boat that I'm in. Please, take the first step you might be pleasantly surprised; like I was. I'm hoping that my confidence will build over time and I won't have to care or worry about what others think.