Hi guys, it has been a while since I logged in and used EC. I hope that everyone is going well Things for me are generally going alright - life has its ups and downs as always but on the whole I am reasonably happy. I think I have reached a point where I have accepted being gay and it is no longer something that I struggle with. However, I still feel as though I am not as open about it as I would like to be - I really never talk about it much with anyone, maybe only occasionally with a few close friends, and I don't discuss guys that I like ect much with friends or family. And even though my family know, it basically never comes up in conversation. In a way I feel like I am holding back. I feel as though all those years spent in the closet have had a lasting effect on me, so that now even though I am basically out of the closet, I am still extremely reserved about the whole sexuality thing - about discussing it with people, about integrating it more wholly into my life. It feels as though even though I am out on paper, in that most people know, in reality I am still in some sort of self constructed closet. I don't know - to me it seems that all that time spent in the closet has somehow changed me and had a lasting effect. It has caused me to continue to push people away, to put up defences - long after the need for those defences ended. I just hope that with time, and some constructive effort on my part, I can begin to tear down these walls that seem to remain around me, become less reserved and allow people to get closer to me. Does anyone have similar experiences? Or any advice? Thanks, Sean.
when your whole life has been hiding who you really are for protection and out of fear of rejection or worse, it's hard to suddenly not feel the need to continue to do so. at times i wonder am i really a private person or did i learn to be private, guarded, and put up walls over time? i know for sure i have kept people are arms length because the closer they got, the more things would not make sense and the more the eventual questions would come which would lead to either them thinking i was gay, which in my mind would be catostrophic. so i had to keep them way, distance them. have surface friendships, avoid deeper connection. living this way all my life has made me very skilled at it but it's not healthy. now in my attempt to be true to myself and hopefully meet someone, i know that i will have to come out more and more and its scary because even adults can be mean insensitive and hurtful and i feel like the kid that got called a f*ggot nonstop. any sense of rejection or insensitivity would throw me back to that place. my only advice would be to live your life. while we are overanalyzing everythign and worrying about what others will think or do, other people are living their lives. so we should live ours. one day when we're old and grey, all those other people will have full memories and deeper relationships and if we're guarded, we will have built a fortress that protect from hurt but keeps other out and we'll be alone. dont do that. live your life.
you have to reach a point where you are just like any other person on this earth - and your sexual orientation doesn't matter - it doesn't make you who you are at the end of the day - and you don't have to wave the flag every second of every day. Be happy you are comfortable with who you are - be happy that coming out is not the only thing in life you are focused on... be happy that you can just be you and live life....
I had a similar experience, except that instead of just hiding my sexuality, I hid my entire identity. I remember when I started doing it to: middle school. Before then there weren't big differences in the way boys and girls acted, but in middle school girls started liking makeup and fashion, and it became weird that I played Pokemon and watched Dragon Ball Z. As a result, I pushed everyone away because it felt like I was putting my life in danger to let people see who I was. Now as an adult, I still push everyone away except a one or two people, and I have crippling social anxiety. But I'm also not out of the closet yet, and a big part of that is because I don't look like a guy. I'm trying to break out of my shell more though. Hopefully when I transition I'll feel more comfortable being myself in front of other people.
Right there with you on this; how do you reuse torn own judgement when you have no wisdom from experience? I think you do have trust that you know what is important to you, and that you can look for that in others. I know it seems like a very passive course, but our universe gives back what we out in. Then again, maybe a dating site might be a great way to get started
Agree with your post casper22...I am in the same boat... I have more or less accepted that I am gay but being in the closet all my life has had an adverse effect on me psychologically.. but believe everything can be fixed.. I am hopeful about my future...
Same here. I tried coming out and forming a relationship at the same time. Which was so dumb as I've got too much emotional baggage to sort through before I even think to form a romantic connection. But I'll be honest if I wasn't with this guy I would still have one foot inside the closet. So now I've promised myself to take some time and be comfortable with myself before I try anything else. Kill the repressed thoughts I still have, and be me.
wow its great to be here.. even I have am not looking for relationship or dating currently.. focusing more on me n getting to be comfortable more with myself.. great to know cyclone we are in similar situation..
Hi Casper22, I think we're in the same boat. I've finally accepted my sexuality and came out to my closest friends and family over the last few days. This has been a massive step for me, and I feel that I should keep the momentum going, otherwise I feel I'll have technically come out, but not changed in any other way. Being a very private person, I don't feel comfortable in announcing my gayness to everyone, and I suppose that is part of the problem that I need to overcome. Hope everything works out for you.
It is interesting - once you are out, now what? I suppose the answer is we just have to pick somewhere to begin. Out for coffee after work, concert in the park, a phone call? We feel we've lost so much time. All these guys who came out before I ever thought of it - the good ones are taken! Perhaps the answer is, like starting any new venture, you have to try.
Hey Casper22, It's a wonderful feeling accepting that you are gay isn't it? It's been very liberating for me to be able to love and accept myself for who I am. I'm not sure that accepting being gay and not broadcasting it to the people around you is such a bad thing. You're at a point where you are comfortable enough with yourself and don't feel the need to bring it up in every conversation. That's a good thing. Once you've accepted yourself enough to be able to love who you want to love, isn't that what really matters? You said that you want to be more open about your sexuality and are holding back. Are there specific people you are pushing away and want to have conversations with? It should be OK for you to tell your close friends about a guy you have a crush on or bring your BF home to meet your family. If you can't then you definitely need to work on that. Time spent in the closet motivates me to make the most of every day out of the closet. So if there are specific people you want to have conversations with, I'd say get on with it.
Hi Casper22 I know how you feel as I have felt the same. Although I have been with my partner for a long time, we keep ourselves to ourselves. For reason that I won't go into I recently went through a few troubled months where all that shame and hurting from my teenage years suddently came out in a letter to my parents, which caused them a lot of pain as they know nothing about it. But now we are through it I am much more confident (with help from this website as well I must add). During the last few months I have been reading some LGBT themed books (novels) which have really lifted me. So I can recommend the following from Amazon (Kindle) Breaking Out by Garry M Tuckwell and the folllow on book (A family Matter), Adam by Anthony McDonald and the second book Blue Sky Adam. Although fiction, reading about other peoples issues with being LGBT feels really good.
This is a great question. To me the closest created a me that even I don't know. For that matter I don't really know the real me. What I've decided is that I'm taking Coming Out as a journey. The road ahead is long. Where it takes me it will take me. The person that takes that road will be the new me, he just won't be in the closet.
the closet is a safe place for me and it's a place i tend to emotionally run to when the thought of self actualizing as a bi or gay man seems to be getting closer. the closet is there for protection and for times when i think the gay world is just too strange for me to fit into. there was stability in the "straight" closet. albeit a stifling situation, at least when you are straight you pretending to be, you know how to act, you know the rules, you know the do's and the dont's. but exploring being bi or gay feel like a newborn crawling on the freeway "on" ramp. just too much to deal with sometimes and it's not like everyone graciously lets you "get over" to merge onto the gay traffic. so i think its hard. but like the freeway, once you get on the on-ramp, you can make a uturn and come back. you have to do your best to merge in.
