Intensely questioning late(r) in life

Sorry, this is really long, but hope someone will read it

It's very difficult to write about this, but I have the feeling that if I don't do that, my brain will just explode. I'm 33 and my whole life have been tremendously afraid of what others think about me, which is a shitty mental setup to live with, especially when you realize that you actually have no idea who you are because maybe you were so busy playing the role you considered the most appropriate at the time.

I think somehow I always knew somewhere deep inside that I cannot do this forever and shit will catch me sooner or later. And that something is off. I somehow always felt different.

Interestingly when I was in my early twenties, I had this strong feeling that when I'll be in my thirties I'll be regretting that I wasted my life - but I haven't done anything against that. I somehow tried to keep under water a part of my personality, a part of myself, and I also tried so hard not to listen to the deep inner voices, until I couldn’t make a difference between who I really am and the role I was playing. I've always been confused about myself and basically anything related to personal preferences, either hobby, work, relationships, you name it (was always difficult to impossible to answer questions about myself - when I actually attempted or was forced to do that, I started hearing my voice saying some shit and I was listening like someone else was talking.)
To jump to the present time, the reason I'm writing here is because I've been in a relationship for 8 years, I love(d) my boyfriend, but...I always knew that something isn't right, that I am not me, that something is missing. I always tried to focus on something else, or to try to find reasons for why I feel that. I was into spirituality, psychology, I even studied sociology to understand the world with myself in it.

I think I could get a gold medal for lying to myself, at the point where what I say I don't consider a lie anymore, but I am even more confused because deep down I know that I'm lying.
In our relationship, from the beginning sex wasn't great, it wasn't bad, but then again, what is my reference point? I've had quite a few short term relationships before, so I concluded that probably sex is overrated, what is that fireworks-thing anyway, what is that "if you love someone sex feels amazing" lie? I was convinced that is bullshit people say...Sure, because my brain tried to convince me that everything is fine, I'm as I should be, in a relationship with a man, etc. I loved him, I still do, he is my best friend and in a way my soulmate, though I don't believe in soulmates, I mean I think we can get close to a lot of people, there isn't only "one soulmate". He is the nicest person on earth, and it is killing me when I think about how much I could hurt him. But I can't continue like this...

Ok, trying not to cry and finish writing this. Around two years ago I had a pretty depressive phase, in the middle of which I became terrified that I would be gay. I was searching all around the internet, just to prove I'm not...so I've found something called "HOCD" - and I read all I could find about that, basically convinced myself I'm not gay. I was crying every day, telling my boyfriend I don't want to live without him. In this time, until I found that HOCD thing, I felt constantly and strongly attracted to women. Like some strong force started to awaken in me, but I was so terrified that I didn't care how I felt, I just didn't want to lose what I already had – my boyfriend and my definition of who I was, or who I've been showing the world I was.

So, as always I managed to convince myself that I am straight, couldn't be gay, that is just an OCD (really had some obsessive thinking going on that time) and everything can continue to be as it was before.
In that time I had an interesting dream, and that was so vivid and strong, that I still remember like it was in the dream - I was (with some people, I think some friends and also my boyfriend) in this high tower, like some kind of military-base, and at one point I saw a helicopter approaching and basically breaking in two that which I knew a very solid structure - for me this was so clear, it represented an idea of myself, my life breaking down, an end to an era or something. Those days I woke up every day with the clear idea in my head that I was gay - but seconds later I was terrified of that idea. I think I wasn't ready to face the real me.

Thing is that I have never had been in a relationship with a woman, I lived in Eastern Europe - not that this is so interesting related to what I want to say, but people were (and still are) extremely homophobic there. So it never occurred to me that it was an option to be gay. Nobody was talking about these stuff when I was growing up, well, only when they wanted to insult each other or make fun of people which is horrible but that's how it was. Also in my family nobody was ever talking about relationships, love, feelings, anything - not even heterosexual ones. Which sucked, considering that I was always filled with all kinds of feelings and emotions and I'm very sensitive.
When I was smaller, there were these TV shows with a lot of half naked women in them - well, objectification wasn't something on people's minds back then I guess - like New years eve shows and stuff, full of these women - we were watching with my parents and I felt so aroused - and there came shame and "I shouldn't feel that", "what's wrong with me"...So yeah.
In high school basically no one was gay. I became attached in a way to female friends, I remember there was some trip to the mountains and I became friends with this girl, she was so cool and nice, I wanted to be with her all the time, but I never would have considered being attracted to her. But when we returned, I was somehow secretly hoping she was into girls. But this was something I was more like feeling than thinking. I didn't dare to verbalize these ideas even in my own head.

So I started looking for guys, for a boyfriend, because that's what girls do, and I was convinced I want that, I really did. So at 14 I had my first boyfriend, I became obsessed with him before, that I want to be with this guy, and then we started dating . My first kiss was with him and it was...meh...and a bit gross...Or more. I think I was quite a bit surprised and scared in a way that what is wrong with me, why I don't like this. When he was touching my breast I felt that is really gross...But here is the thing - instead of saying to myself "hey, seems like you didn't like that, let's find something you do like", no, I started to use my energy and brain power to convince myself that I did like it, but yeah, maybe it's a bit
overrated...maybe that is what liking is like…Or maybe he is not the right guy anyway… Oh, shit, as I said I'm the world champion of self-lying. Too bad you can't make money like that...
I had a best friend (girl) back then who was always asking me "Why are you always looking at my forehead when you're talking to me?" Well, I couldn't say "because if I'm looking in your eyes I'm afraid I'm going to lose it and kiss you"

So yeah..."the scariest" memory is from when I was 18 years old and I was talking to another female friend of mine (she lived and lives in a different country but we knew each other since kindergarten). We were sitting on the sofa and talking and there was a moment when some strong feeling just hit me, like out of the blue, and I just wanted to touch her breast (I know this sounds horrible, sorry, but trying to be honest here, not easy ). I suddenly felt that she is so freaking beautiful and I want to kiss her and touch her breasts and be with her...But then, in the same moment I felt so guilty, so ashamed for these feelings, which I couldn't explain where they came from, and it was so horrible (which maybe could have been so beautiful for someone who wouldn't hate themselves so much for being attracted to girls, as I did ). Anyway, after this experience I started to have these OCD type thoughts, which were very sexual and very inappropriate. They were constant and made my life a living hell. I guess I tried somehow to punish myself for the feelings I didn’t allow myself to have, or possibly my brain tried to convince me that I'm not gay, I'm just OCD, hey it's much better regarding my value system back then... Thanks, brain...

So yeah, I spent my twenties depressed, self harming sometimes, with an eating disorder, sometimes suicidal, but too afraid what would other people think if I'd have killed myself (makes me laugh...in a sad sarcastic way). Ah, and I had a few relationships with guys who I became obsessed with until it came to the sex part - there it went away, most of the times I didn't feel anything - but still went on, lying that it is ok, that I will find the one, or just having constant mental chatter about other stuff, not to think about this. (I think I cannot think clearly anymore partially because I’ve been repressing a big part of myself and always tried to control what I think and say, never let myself lose control, be natural.)
But in the second part of my twenties I met my boyfriend, who is a wonderful, smart, loving guy. The most wonderful, smart, loving guy. But I am not happy. In my HOCD period I had this insight of me and my boyfriend going out and talking about girls, and hooking up with girls, like we are best friends. Then, of course I tried to swipe away this image from my mind, like it was the result of some mental disability.
Now I think it's time to start picking up the pieces of my true self. Why now? I don't know...Maybe because everyone is hurrying me to get married to my boyfriend, including him, and people don't understand why we are not getting married and have kids. (Though I never really wanted to have kids though and marriage always felt like some kind of prison to me) There are moments when I think that I would like to be with him and try to marry him and have kids, but the second I start imagining this, a strange, strangling feeling starts to rise in my stomach, and I'm starting to think about well...having some suicidal thoughts. But then they go away and I am in this limbo state, as I'm now.

Just not doing anything and let time decide. But lately I started freaking out that this is not the way, I’m getting old and I don't want to die unhappy and untrue to myself. And I don't want my boyfriend not to have what he would so much like to have (family, kids).
Ok, I'm crying again when I think about him...I just don't want to hurt him, he doesn't deserve it, and I love him. But this love is not that love...If I could I would split in two, one would stay with him and have family and kids, and the other one would be free...To find out who she is...

I was even thinking about the possibility of an open relationship, and I told him in a way (I guess a wrong one) that I don't think monogamy is the best idea in the world and doesn't necessarily make always people happy, but the reaction was worse than I thought, and he started to tell me that "so you want to fuck around with guys". Well yeah, maybe I should have told him from the other end, that I think I'm a lesbian (ok, internalised homophobia or something, it feels so weird to write this down). But then what? In a way I'm afraid what he will do with his life, I'm afraid for him – and of course what I will do with mine. We live in central Europe, in a country, where we don't really speak the language(except basic level), though we both use mostly English at work and there are a lot of people who speak English here, but still, for example I don't know anyone here I could tell these things. I don’t really have friends here. Well, I don’t really have friends anywhere, I kind of isolated myself into this relationship. Well, I have a few high school friends back home and in other places, and I cannot imagine how they would react. But yeah, maybe this is only an excuse. In my better days I am thinking that if I will allow me to be completely honest and true to myself things will eventually turn out fine. Law of attraction or something

Anyway, I'm still not sure I'm gay (hm...), so I am still questioning. Maybe I would need to kiss a girl to know. No idea what I should do, but I think the first thing is to get these ideas out - at least write them down, and well..wait.. .Or something.
Sorry for the long novel and thank you for reading this. I feel a bit better now after writing this down Ah, and if someone can relate or just would like to talk, I’m here, and happy to hear your story and talk about stuff

 

Hi drayvan,

Thanks for reading my story and happy (or sad) that you can also relate to that.

I have good days and bad days, sometimes in the evening I'm totally gay and in the morning I wake up and say to myself that I cannot be gay, I cannot imagine losing all I have (boyfriend, life setup, and first of all my self identity), so if I cannot imagine that, it means I couldn't be gay, it's just not possible. But something, some "internal door" has opened and I cannot go back to "everything is fine" state anymore. Or maybe I'm out of excuses, possible reasons for why does everything feel so off, and why I cannot imagine myself married and with kids etc...

But my huge fear is losing my boyfriend, as the person who I love the most and I feel the closest in this world. But I'm not sexually attracted to him. And even if it is difficult to admit it to myself, I'm not attracted to him romantically either. But I love him. It's screwed up, but I have to be honest, otherwise I would just continue the same lying game, and I'm too old for that shit

I can totally relate when you're saying you think you never really grew up emotionally. I think I never really did either, which is weird considering I am one of the most emotional people I know. I just learned that is not accepted, or not encouraged to express your emotions (in my family), so I managed to keep them inside. Lately I started letting go, but as I never learned how to express my emotions, I might come across in my emotional moments like a screwed up teen (which I was back then but I guess I never let that out).

I have this struggle too, to look people in the eyes, or the fear that I might not be able to control my actions, I might jump on them and kiss them or something. I don't know about you, but I still have this huge unexpressed love inside me, or also this huge need to be loved and to love and express my feelings, so it could be related to that.

I think therapy is a very good idea, I am also planning to go. Though I'm afraid that the more steps I do towards "the real me" or towards my real feelings, the scarrier it gets, and there will be no way back. So now I'm procrastinating therapy too. I've had some experience with therapy before, in my depressive, bulimic days, but I was lying there too - I mean not exactly lying, but wasn't really honest about everything - for example about the fact that I've been attracted to women and I have had OCD-like repeating sexual thoughts. I couldn't even accept that was happening to myself. So that therapy didn't really go that well, but anyway, I think if we are honest, therapy could really help a lot.
I have issues with focusing at work too, and also second thoughts about if what I do work-wise is really what I want to do, so yeah, questioning everything

So yeah, I have to say it feels great to know that I'm not alone, even though I'm sorry that you are going through this...And I do think if you are honest to yourself and true to yourself things can only get better

And good luck with the dating thing - I think I'm far from that for now, I cannot imagine myself being there, or doing that even, not yet...

 

So now my big question is, should I tell my boyfriend that I'm in this questioning phase (though strongly inclined towards not exactly the straight part, maybe bi, but that doesn't seem like me somehow)?

I am living this constant war inside when being with him (and we live together), I'm constantly thinking that I am lying to him, and that makes me feel like I'm in hell. This sounds maybe a bit selfish, I should't just tell him to make myself feel better. But then again, I'm afraid if I don't tell him, I'll get even more distant from him and I don't want that. For now I think the only way I can live with myself and not being honest with him is somehow distancing myself from him.

But on the other side, I'm afraid if I tell him, he will not believe me Or I will start convincing myself again, that I'm just imagining this, it's just a phase etc, in order to be able to continue being with him.

When in my HOCD phase, I told him that I'm attracted to girls and he was ok with it, even told me that he'll support me if I want to tell people I'm bi, but back then I tried to convince myself that's not true at all. And I succeded. Until lately. I even convinced him I'm straight, because he was saying at one point that he doesn't even think I was bi, it's more like I only wanted to be for some reason (which kind of hurts, but from the point of view of myself back then who only wanted to convince herself that she's straight that should have felt like a victory...)

Anyway, he would maybe be ok with me being bi, but definitely not ok with me being not attracted to him... But I can't be what I'm not...

So I'm pretty confused right now...

 

Yeah, it might help to see things without the veil of fear and guilt and anxiety and all that crap, and maybe I’m using those/ I’ve been using those not to see what I was afraid to face.

Though still, it’s not that clear. I mean, if we want to play with labels, the only thing I could say for sure is that I’m not straight now, I’ve been attracted to women a lot of times, maybe all the time, I just refused to see it. I’m attracted to women now, but it’s a bit difficult to imagine being in a relationship with one. But otherwise, from the sexual point of view, and also romantically, I can definitely imagine

Also, I think I am still somewhat attracted to guys romantically and emotionally, but sexually I have the feeling I explored a lot with guys and got to the conclusion that I’m not into them sexually as much as I am into girls. Maybe not just sexually. Though I’ve had recently a phase when I was fantasizing about men sexually - which stopped when I had this re-realization of me being attracted to women.

So yeah, I could define myself as bisexual, what actually stopped me doing that was that I always considered if I would be bisexual I wouldn’t want to leave a man for a woman, just because I feel that strong attraction to explore being with a woman. But I do have that now. And I feel that if I ignore that I’ll be unhappy.

Also, it just came to my (sleep-deprived) mind, that at one point at a sociology class some prof was talking about something related to sexuality (I think it was that one time only and yeah, I remember these stuff, interestingly, and I remember I got scared a bit back then) and he said that while sexuality is something you are born with, love or romantic behavior is something you learn by socialization. Hm… I wouldn’t give him too much credit, being this in a country where (I just read somewhere) same sex relations were illegal until 2001 – and this was around 2002, maybe

Anyway, I got stuck with this idea, and I got scared back then because I knew deep down that I primarily have been sexually attracted to women. But in the same time I couldn’t imagine myself falling in love with one, or being in a relationship with one, and I figured, it might be because I was socialized into this somehow, that love can only be towards the opposite sex. And it made a lot of sense that sexuality comes from somewhere deeper and cannot be controlled as easily, or shaped or changed. Not sure this makes sense

 

So I managed to sleep around at most 4 hours in total tonight, while having several images and thoughts going through my head with the speed of light, one after the other. I have these half-asleep, half-awake states when I dream, but it's like I'm not fully asleep. And I dreamt a lot of rainbows too, not surprisingly :lol:

So I'm definitely not going to tell my boyfriend today, and this is not only procrastinating, but also because of the lack of sleep I cannot think straight (pun intended).
I think for me even writing here meant things are starting to move, and move faster than I'm comfortable with. But I think this is the typical - you have to get out of your comfort zone to be able to start being truly happy - type of situation.

That's so true for me too, though I thought lately that my OCD (which has never been diagnosed btw) days are over. It's mostly anxiety, which I do have in excess since I was a child. But now, after reading this it seems the doubting part is definitely there - but in a way I consider my doubting a result of never trying to be myself and always trying to live my life as if it was from another persons perspective. Like I always needed approval for my choices in life. Which kind of explains why I am starting to figure this out much later.
Doubt is also this self-defence mechanism I think I use - in this case for slowing down this scary process of recovering these repressed pieces of myself.

This is exactly why I am reluctant to tell to my boyfriend (and parents - wow, can imagine how that would turn out) - I think it might influence me in my process or clearing my head around the subject, it would be a huge pressure, and I did something similar before, when I told him I might be bi. Though the difference between back then and now is that back then I wasn't ready to face myself and I was horrified of being gay.
Now, on the other hand, I have to say, I am not afraid of the fact that I might be gay, on the contrary, I feel this is the right answer for me, and everything starts to make sense.

So in a way 2-3 year ago I was much more anxious than I am now. I wasn't ready to deal with this, those strong feelings and the realization that I'm gay was some kind of predecessor of where I am now, and now I am starting to be able to face it. But still. Baby steps. And shitloads of procrastination.
So yeah, I don't think I really had HOCD back then, I think I wasn't ready to face myself. I'm not saying that HOCD cannot exist, though this is again only a label and we tend to confuse concepts with real life. Which is fluid and labels don't make sense there. But still, sometimes we need labels, as now I need to wrap my head around labels like "gay" and "lesbian", to help me deal with who I am. And to ask for some help and guidance maybe.

Well, as I said above, my biggest fear is not that I might be gay, I actually in a way want to be gay (because it would explain a lot, and maybe I see it as a possibility to actually be happy after I tried everywhere else and still feeling unfulfilled in relationships for example). But of course I'm terrified of how my life would change then.
Actually my biggest fear is that of ending up/ being alone. That nobody would love me. And that I couldn't hug anyone I really like and need to hug people, but repressed it, because as mentioned above, I somehow became this person who is colder and doesn't hug people But I know that is something which I can change. I just don’t know how.

Yeah, I believe that too. When I see being/ accepting that I would be gay as a solution to my problems, it’s not like it will suddenly solve everything –it might steer up some shit and make things feel worse for a while even- but without exploring this part of me I cannot be honest, I can get millions of hours of therapy and talk about all my other issues, I’ll still be stuck. Been there, done that…

So yeah, therapy is definitely the next step for me, and as a quick update, my boyfriend noticed that I’m writing something (I usually don’t write so much lately), and when asked, I told him it’s a self-help thing, and a forum…But didn’t say more. He seemed a bit sad that I have secrets. And that’s a big thing, we are (were) really close, I had almost no secrets to him, maybe that’s why I shut out most of my friends from my life – considering my relationship with him is enough. And also, I always felt weird around female friends, felt like I’m playing this role, but wasn’t conscious to me what kind of role, I just felt so fake. So now most of my friendships are pretty superficial. But then again, I think I can work on that.