How did you start living "out" after repressing everything for years.

I've been thinking a lot today about this what you call "subconscious repression". And realized that this is one of the biggest blockages in this process for me. I won't be able to even figure out who I think I am until I can start facing this, and this appears in my mental chatter in the shape of judgements, especially towards others. I am seriously trying to reset my mental setup about this, and have to recognize that i'm a very judgmental person, and until I cannot stop seeing others from a more open minded perspective, I cannot accept myself.
I'm not sure it's the same with you, but I might try to dig into that direction when in therapy, there might be loads of shame and self hate somewhere hidden. I for myself know for sure I have a lot of internalized homophobia, coming from a family background and culture where well...let's just say until 2001 homosexuality was illegal. Now that's changed, but the mentality not so much.

Anyway, I think even in the most open minded places accepting you are something else that you've been telling all your life you were, and on the core level (though most of what describes you as a person probably hasn't changed), is not easy to accept.
Especially for people like us, who came to this realization somewhat later in life.

About the antidepressants, I've tried those in my depressive/eating disorder - days and personally not a big fan. But maybe it might help to open up a bit in therapy and accept some stuff easier. Anyway, it definitely doesn't help with the sex drive

Hope you all the best (*hug*)

 

heres my assessment.

relationship; sounds like it lasted for a month with someone you met and at the same time you were going through a major life moment....coming out. there's so much emotion that comes with that and issues that a new relationship of 4 weeks couldn't really last or expect it to. its ok though. you needed to handle your coming out process and aftermath before you can get into a relationship. dont beat yourself for saying you couldn't enjoy it. its NEW to you. so it's ok to feel scared, nervous or repressed. do not beat yourself up over this.

i think at this time, you need to deal with yourself and get secure with yourself. this is why i always hesitate telling people to come out like it is going to solve all the worlds problems. it wont. the most important person to come out is to yourself and this for some can be a very long process. it's more than just acknowledging you like guys. i think it's even more than just accepting you like guys. i think its the point where you are able to say "i like guys, i accept i like guys, i am ok with the fact that i like guys, there's nothing wrong me with me because of it, i'm not less of a man, i'm still a valuable human, and if others do not like it ok, if others think im bad for it, ok,. but i do not think i am a bad person, and i do not think expressing my love for men is bad, i do not think sex with men is bad, and i see myself with a man for the rest of my life."

to me that is coming out to yourself. but this is a process of trial and error and does not happen over night. you have to have experiences to push you toward this level of resolve.

nobody really told me that. so when i came out to a few people i was coming out from a place of "apology". almost as though i had this horrible thing about me that i was ashamed of and apologetic. almost asking for forgiveness or continued love. but i still felt like sh*t after "coming out". that was because i hadn't come out to myself. and that is taking some time but i know the difference now.

give yourself some time to get comfortable in your own skin and most of all stop beating yourself up. for 35 years you have been trained to be STRAIGHT. do you honestly think in 4 weeks, you are going to be happy and well adjusted and 100% ok with accepting you are GAY? no. so cut yourself some slack and know that each day you will grow more into who you will be tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

 

Thanks timeforchange that was an awesome explanation of what coming out means..reading it I realized how much work I need to do on myself in my journey of self acceptance n respect..

Cyclops I can relate with your situation.. in mid thirties myself n have hidden my true self from the world... tried dating but realized its important first to work on myself...

Not looking for hookups or dating currently..
Need to surround myself more with gay friends who I can be open n honest with...

 

Cyclops

Started to reply then I had to cook dinner for the family.

I hate sentences that begin with "should" or "shouldn't". You did what you felt was right and hopefully you learned from it. If so, you did the right thing.

Having said that, I agree that it's best to start by engaging with the LGBT community and having gay friends. One of my gay friends wanted more, and I've been involved with him in an on again off again relationship. This was my first gay relationship. I was involved in relationships with other married guys previously. My gay friend wanted more than I could give (a live in BF), and today I learned that he's pursuing a new interest. Now don't feel bad for me because I've made it clear to him that I could not be a live-in BF since I'm married and divorcing. Besides I will be the one that got away You and I have a breakup in common

I came out because I wanted a real BF - to go on dates and spend the night. This is not possible being married. This has given me focus on what I want by being out.

So yes, engage with the LGBT community in Philadelphia and keep on living! Find the BF who will deeply connect with you today and in 35 years. Sex with him will be awesome!!!

 

I recommend small steps friend. You, like most of us, took years to build those walls tall, strong and thick and it will take time to pull them down, just not as long as it took to build them. In the process, though, you might find as I did wonderfull and interesting things about you, your personality, and likes/dislikes that you had buried so deep in the matrix of those walls.

In the mean time congrats on coming out(*hug*) now take a breath, savour it and move forward.

 

Coming out isn't a magical wand where one second you are hiding in the closet and the next second you are comfortable being the real you. It is a process that takes time.

Story time (for some reason I have a feeling that this will be long)

I started accepting who I am about 5-6 years ago and started coming out about 3-4 years ago. At that time I was living in a rural community of about 150 people and working in the neighboring town of about 12k. I came out to a few of my friends but mostly hid who I am in public. At first it was constantly having the conversations that I'm sure you are starting to get tired of where people are curious about your sexuality. Then things kinda started returning to normal except that I was comfortable actually being myself around my closest friends.

Then the place where I worked closed down and I landed back home with my parents.It took a few months to find another job 100 miles from where I used to live (commuting from my parents house in the middle of old house and new job). I didn't know how accepting this area was so I kept my sexuality a secret at work. I was going absolutely crazy because I had a small taste of being out and now I was being forced to pretend to be straight 24/7 all over again (this is when I found EC).

After my probation period at work, I was going nuts and had to tell someone so I could be me again if just in small doses. I told one of my new friends from work (now my best friend and roommate) and I started feeling better again. I slowly started coming out to more friends and moved to the town where I work. I was finally starting to get comfortable being me around my friends at work but didn't want everyone to know. As I was getting more comfortable being myself the times I felt I had to hide myself from others became more unbearable. Then I got fired! (unrelated)

It took me all of two weeks to find a job doing the same thing for a competing company. I decided to use this to my advantage. I decided that I would hide who I was during my probation, but after that I was done hiding. Though probation is 3 months I made it right at one month before I got sick of everyone assuming I'm straight and started coming out at work again. (Though technically bi I self identify as gay because I have such a strong preference for men). I didn't just look at everyone and say "I'm gay, hey (name) I'm gay, hey (name) I'm gay" it was more them talking about a hot girl, asking if I was married, or something similar and me responding that I'm not really interested in girls.

Now I have lived here for over a year. Pretty much everyone knows I'm gay and the ones who don't are people I really don't give a rats ass if they know or not. I came out to my parents in June of 2014 and I am happy just being me. I still don't walk up to people like "hi I'm (redneck) and I'm gay" but I will quickly correct you if you start a conversation assuming I'm straight.

I started coming out 3-4 years ago and it has been less than a year since I have truly become comfortable being me. It is a process. It takes time to undo all the years (about 30 for me) of telling yourself that you cannot do (insert behavior) because others will know your secret or what will other people think if they catch me (insert behavior). Just take your time and become the real you at your own pace. You cannot rush it.

Dating really did take extra time for me. I had some internet hookups where I used to live but never really dated. I now live in a area of around 120k. When I moved here I tried dating a bit but the truth was that I just wasn't ready. I still had the mental blocks so that I really didn't want to be seen as anything more than friends in public and quite frankly I found myself aggravating most of the people I dated and only got one second date because of it.

As time passed I grew to where I actually wanted to do what straight couples do in public but was nervous. I found a few guys who were understanding enough that if we were to hold hands and if I got nervous they were okay if I let go. They seemed to understand that I was actually trying, but I was fighting years of mental repression. They were great guys, but they just weren't the right guy for me. Finally with the previous guy I dated I actually noticed that I was actually comfortable enough to hold his hand without really giving much thought to it (unless we were going somewhere where most gays would find it safer not to).

With the guy I'm dating now (who actually started a conversation about being boyfriends the other day) I have gained enough confidence that we went to the park the other day and sat on a bench overlooking the river. I laid down putting my head on his lap with him holding me. He actually seemed a bit more nervous about it than I was (he's 43 and has been out since age 19).

Don't just rush into dating guys and assume that you are going to be comfortable. If you feel like you want to date now try finding someone who is either understanding that you are just coming out and may get nervous or try finding someone who is in the same situation that you are in and hopefully you can slowly get comfortable being gay in public together.

I'm sorry that I wrote a novel here, but you asked how I started living "out" after hiding for so long. It was a slow process and my only advice is, though you will probably find yourself pushing your limits, don't rush things go at a pace where you feel comfortable you will eventually get there.

 

It does sort of sound like you tried to take all the steps at once - from "I'll finally tell someone I'm gay" to "everybody knowing and being in a stable relationship". And there's nothing wrong with that if you feel you can. It just sounds like, well, you weren't. You basically tried to do too much too quickly. It happens. And I'd say the best move is to just pick up where you left off, and keep going ahead somewhat slower.

You're already out, so that part's done. So now just get used to being out. Feel free to chat with friends about your (ex-)relationship - not just because it will help with your feelings about that specific thing, but because you'll get used to talking about your sexuality in a more conversational way. If your sex drive is minimal, lay off the porn and masturbation for awhile. Trust me - both of them will be there when you get back. Let the emotions flow if you're home alone. Cry, pound the pillows, wallow in the "well, I screwed that up" mud bath for 15-30 minutes. Then get up, shower, and get back to living.

Lex

 

I feel that "want to rush" feeling myself sometimes. After finally accepting my sexuality more and wishing to pursue something, at the same time tho being terrified over it all too. Just recently ending a 14 year relatiinship, so dating is already an intimidating idea, made even more so by the fact that I wish to try dating a guy next. Just this nagging thought always of not wanting to have to get used to another persons "shit" or exposing them to mine.

 

Great advice from everyone.

To help myself undo so much of the conditioning I've accumulated over the years, I've turned to writing things out regularly now to retrain my brain to think differently (more positively) about myself and my life. I've got a few ongoing entries: Accomplishments and Celebrations, Wishes and Intentions, and Daily Gratefulness. I can see my progress in my own words, feel much better about my ongoing journey, and weather the storms more successfully. It takes work and practice, but it's much better than ruminating endlessly on the hamster wheel inside my head.

 

After reading these posts I have realized that I do need to proceed with caution for the sake of anyone I would be with. After admitting the truth to myself, I wanted to jump right into the pool, but the truth is, I need to work through things, too. 21 years of repression is not undone in a day, a week, a month. I think that reading these experiences on this site would be very helpful. I don't want to get involved in an unhealthy relationship because of getting involved at a vulnerable time. I'll keep that in mind.

 

I hear ya Moonflower. I only decided 2 months ago to start coming out. It is a process but I'm making progress. I see 30+ single people struggle for a few weeks and then "pop"-- they're OUT. I'm jealous...but I've decided I can't beat myself up just because I've still got a foot in the closet. It's going to take a while for me. Funny thing, my few gay buddies are actually very accepting of my course of action.

 

Very smart to have gay buddies who can help acclimate you into the gay world. I've done something similar. Even though you have a gradual timeline for coming out at your own pace, you are probably making progress reinventing yourself as a gay man by having gay friends. Thus you are less likely to say to yourself "I'm out, now what?" once you are out, if that makes sense.

 

totally
More comfortable in my own skin every day....anxiety still an issue but I'm totally accepting of the gay me and gay others...0-360 ;-)

 

It's wonderful, isn't it? To move beyond acceptance that we're gay to reinventing ourselves as gay men.

 

"Big Sigh"

 

It might be helpful to treat being gay like other endeavors in life - you plan out what you want, you act on the plan, and then reflect on where you are relative to the plan. If you are off course, then you need to adjust the plan. So there's no need to feel bad about doing everything ass backwards. Learn from what you did and adjust your plan accordingly. If it were easy, everyone would come out as gay at midlife

 

Just this...



Whether it is blindly ignorant people or organizations that spout or support biogtry.