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Just when i thought yeah this is me... I get a curveball

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Krater, Jul 20, 2015.

  1. Krater

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    A piece of background info... sorry this is going to be an epic story.

    I am a 50 year old guy and I have come out my closet about a 18 months ago, it felt more like a bomb shelter than a closet. I am straight acting.

    I have this guy (he's 36 yrs old) who I see on the weekends ( who I will call Andrew, its just easier) I stay at his place most weekends (we met online) and at first it was really great and he is kind, warm hearted, generous and just a great guy. He (Andrew) has said that he is open for me to "play around", but he doesn't at all. For what its worth, Andrew has made comments that I naturally act straighter than straight.. and he likes it.

    A frustrating thing is, is that I lose my erection when ever we attempt to have sex, but I don't have erection problems. I have tried pills, this and that and nothing works. My doctor says its my mind fighting something, but what is that something?

    I have been going to one of the gay sauna's (never been before or had the courage) and just enjoying the atmosphere without "playing" with anyone. There have been a few guys who have hit on me of different ages, but I just don't feel interested and I am fine with that. Its a nice feeling to be wanted, but I am more going just to chill out and relax around in the atmosphere of it.

    Andrew is my second gay experience since coming out. the first guy just played me and even though I went through some painful experiences because of that. I am grateful that I learnt the lessons. (As with life some of the best lessons are through hard situations).

    I met this really attractive straight guy on a job site, where I was contracted to and we got on really great. I told him that I was gay and he said he was cool with that and had a coupe of friends that were gay too. Before I told him we got on really great and it didn't change after I came out to him. Its like we just connected somehow, alot of joking around and ended up having lunch together most days.

    He got sick for awhile and I actually really missed him. I noticed that after a few days when he wasn't there, that I started to want to just be with him, but not sexually. (the start of the confusion).

    This guy came back to work and during our lunch break, he told me that he was gay and living with a partner who it was getting to the end of their relationship. I felt shocked as I was certain he was straight. I also felt uncomfortable but didn't know why and just left that feeling somewhere, until I would go back to it and question why I felt uncomfortable.

    I became aware over the next couple of days that I didn't have this same connection with Andrew, (like emotionally connected) and the more I looked at it, it was as if I started to see that Andrew and I lived on two different planets.

    I decided then that I wanted an emotional connection with a guy I wanted to be involved with, rather than just have a whatever it is Andrew and I have together.
    I decided to break it off with Andrew after sitting on that decision for about two weeks. Still seeing Andrew on the weekends I felt like at times, I was non consciously pulling away from him. But he was just being Andrew the intimacy was drawing me in. A dilemma.

    I still don't want to be sexually involved with the guy from work, but love the connection.. Another dilemma.

    I hooked up with a guy from a hook up site and we have some action together and I left just feeling repulsed and sick...

    I am starting to think that I am not actually gay, yet I am really attracted to guys but don't necessarily want to be sexually connected with them. some guys I see I am just floored by their beauty and end up just staring at them, but all the while not actually think about sleeping with them. or anything sexual.

    Welcome feedback
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    A few thoughts

    Andrew is the wrong guy for you. You seek emotional connection and he does not offer this. You like him because he's a nice guy, and I'm guessing he's also nice to look at because of the age difference.

    The guy at the job site is closer to what you want because of the emotional connection. If you were to have sex with him, it would be mind-blowingly awesome because of the emotional connection. Now given that you guys work together, I'll leave it to you to figure out what's right to do in your situation.

    The fact that the guy from the hook up site sickens you tells me that you hate hookups. I don't blame you.

    The net is that you want to find a nice guy with whom you can have an emotional connection. Once you have a relationship and sex with this guy, please report back on the question whether you are actually gay :slight_smile:

    PS - There's an undercurrent here that as a previously straight guy you seem to gravitate towards straight looking guys. Seems secondary to your need for emotional connection.
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Jul 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2015
  3. only you know if you are gay or not. you are exploring things and that's fine. it's good to figure yourself. hopefully you are being safe. i do not know you but here is my asssessment based on limited info

    your first gay experience: he played you and you were emotionally vested. this is why you were hurt over it for a while afterwards.

    andrew: the first guy you tried, played you so you felt like crap. you found Andrew and he really likes you and is quite turned on by you. Andrew is safe. you can do anything you want with him if you wanted to. you are not able to proceed with sex because there is not emotional connection. sure you "play around" with him but you want to long for a guy as much as he longs for you. you also seem like you like the idea of being chased or seduced or wanted by someone you think may be out of your league , range, or sexual orientation. you also seem to be into the straight acting types which seems like a big score if you get one of these types. the fact that andrew said you are very very much straight acting makes me think he is less so than you so he may be hot but he is detectably gay or not as straight acting as you like em, so he is not burning the fire flames. just drop him nicely and put him out of his misery. trust me, he thinks he has scored big and something is going to turn to a relationship. he is sadly mistaken. let him go.

    the gay saunas: again since you are not actually doing anything, but looking. i think it sounds like you're getting off looking at guys. finding the ones that you think would be the "perfect guy" and checking them out. since there is no emotional connection, nothing happens.

    the hookup online dude: you were horny and wanted to play. it was slightly thrilling in concept but in reality you felt like crap because there was not emotional connection.

    the downlow guy at work: you developed an emotional connection with a man you thought you could not get since he was "straight". you felt a friendship and excitement of just being around him even before the clothes have even come off. to your surprise the guy you thought you could never get is actually gay and about to dump his partner.

    my assessment, is that you seek an emotional connection with someone you think is hot. i am sure that you would only feel "gay" if you had this emotional connection with a man that was returned back to you in the same manner. then i think you would be able to proceed with sex play and intercourse because you are seeking love and validation and emotional connnection versus a piece of a$$ or penis.

    my advice would be to cut things off with andrew. you are using him as a placeholder and ego boost from the previous dumping by the guy that played you. he is also a safey zone because he is totally into you and even though you are not connected with him emotionally it does feel good to have someone into you like that emotionally but if your'e being honest with yourself, you wish it was someone else.

    sauna and online hookups: these places will not offer you emotional connection first. they will offer you physical connection first and a 1% chance of emotional connection. this is not how you are wired so it will be futile to continue to use these venues.

    gay guy at work: you are very vulnerable because you are emotionally connecting to him and guess what it seems like he likes you as well. but you are also working with him and if things go south it could be very very weird. also, who knows if he really likes you or is looking for the next "place holder" after getting out of a relationship with his partner. i warn you that people that just get out of relationships typically do not want to get right back into another one. they want to play with low hanging fruit (no pun intended). you could be that for him, meanwhile you could fall in love with the possibility of getting dumped. You could also easily fall into the "other man" hookup category. yah know....he hoooks up with you during this phasing out phase with his current bf.

    my overall advice is that if you really like this guy, wait until he is single and start dating. keep your friendship but make sure to stay in friendzone until he is single. doesn't mean it will work out but it wont make you feel like you're breaking up the household with his partner or feel terrible if he sleeps with you for fun and goes back tot the partner. my other advice is to start dating people who are single and seeking a relationship and freindship and see where that goes.
     
    #3 timeforchange, Jul 20, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2015
  4. Krater

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    Hey thanks Sienna Fire and timeforachange. your words ring true to my heart. Timeforachange you honestly sound psychic, I was thinking how does think guy know this stuff
     
  5. Krater

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    timeforachange - when you spoke of seeking after love and validation, I thought that is so right.. I do. Maybe I need to fill my emotional tank first with love for myself and being happy in who I am more.
     
  6. Daydream94

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    From what I can gleam from this - you've had a major lifestyle change/shock after years of repressing this side of yourself and you're just sort of drifting aimlessly - not really knowing what to do.

    You need to find an anchor and a proper one that will get you stablized.

    In my opinion, you need to explore things, but explore them in both an emotionally and physically healthy way. The hook ups are not going to be healthy - being with someone who is both taken and who, frankly, seems repressed a bit themself will not be healthy.

    I'm not suggesting that you jump right into long term relationships, but I would say that you need to go on a few dates. Ones that are not about sex. Try building an emotional connection with someone, find someone who fulfills you in both the physical and romantics aspects. Do this enough and the rest will fall into place, eventually or sooner, we have no way of knowing.

    You might find a guy that will give you a healthy relationship, and who will like/love you and be proud to be with you and vice-versa.

    Whatever your choice is, what you're doing now is most definitely healthy and will not end well and it really needs to stop for the sake of your emotional health.
     
  7. :slight_smile: not psychic. it's just that we all go through these things in one way or another so it's easy to relate. yes, loving ourselves first is always the answer the most recommend prior to connecting with others in a relationship. it's a lot to come out, tons of things to sort out and get used to. if we spent years denying who we are and self loathing, i think we should take a few months at least to relearn how to love ourselves (maybe for the first time). this doesnt' happen overnight. take your time. you will be fine. :slight_smile:
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    I experienced emotional abuse growing up (lots of guilt and shame) and felt anxious for most of my life. I wanted so desperately to be straight - to be normal and conform with society's expectations. At midlife I realized that I could no longer deny my bisexuality and began a journey a discovery that brought me here today, accepting that I'm a gay man.

    It's been my experience that in order to love myself and be happy with myself, I first needed to heal the shame that we feel being gay. I posted a blog entry with some resources that I found helpful during my journey. Hopefully you will find them useful.

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/11706-healing-shame-being-bisexual-gay.html

    Best
     
  9. Krater

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    Update: the guy that I met on a work site didn't break up with his partner and he just wants to remain friends with me. He suggested that we have some distance in our friendship so I can sort things out. We have our distance at first it was kinda hard but now its cool. I no longer have any contact with him except social media.