Hi everyone, I had posted this in another forum but feel this might be a better place for people my own age to see and comment on... Hey everyone. I'm a 45 year old,married man.I've been with my wife for 25 years and we have an 8 year old daughter.I've always known I was gay and as such,shouldn't have got married or encouraged the relationship in the first place. My marriage started off really well,we were happy.Both had good jobs,a beautiful home and all was well. I suppressed my feelings towards men for so many years but deep down I knew a hetrosexual relationship wasn't what I wanted. Problems started to arise when my wife and family started to not get on.I had always had a close,loving relationship with my family.But there was something about my wife that didn't sit right with them and as a result,arguments and animosity started to set in. Without dragging the detail out.As a result,I haven't spoken to any of my family for a good 8 years now. My mother had moved in with us as she couldn't cope on her own at 80 years old....maybe not the best decision to make given previous relationship issues between my wife and her. Day to day living was hard.Conversation was strained if there was any at all and I was stuck in the middle. I started to explore that side of me that I had pushed down deep inside of me cand I met a few men.3 years ago, I met a man who I have been seeing ever since.I love him.He's divorced.Went through a difficult time of it with his wife and children and doesn't pressure me in any way,shape or form.This week my wife and daughter spent a few days away and I had the opportunity to spend some time with my lover.Just being me.No secrets,no stress and no arguing or resentment. I guess the point of all this rambling is that the last few days and a lot of personal searching and reflecting on things.Have really made me understand that I need to move on in my life.I don't know what that looks like at the moment but I feel that if I don't then I don't know what will happen. It's effecting my whole live currently.My health and state of mind have taking a beating and I'm scared of what the current situation is doing to me. I just wanted to get this out and any thoughts any of you might have would be appreciated.
Good luck to you! I hope you are able to find the peace you are looking for. There are several men on EC who have gone through, or are going through, divorces. I will leave the advice to them, but we are listening. (*hug*)
Welcome to EC blue3011 :welcome: It's great that you have a supporting gay lover. It's amazing how wonderful life can be when we live authentically and true to ourselves, rather than trying to conform to society's norms. I joined EC two months ago and since then I accepted that I'm gay rather than bisexual and came out to my wife. I couldn't have done this without the support of EC. It sounds like you're ready to make some big changes in your life, which will allow you to live an authentic and wonderful life, like your recent time with your lover. These changes can be scary and overwhelming, so my advice is to break things into achievable baby steps. The first step for me was to become comfortable with my own sexuality. You'll probably need some time to process your thoughts and feelings. When you are ready to take your next step towards authenticity, we're here for you at EC (&&&)
Thank you both for your positive and supportive posts.I usually see ....let's call him Paul ...at least once a week.The opportunity to spend a four days with him.Just being a couple,doing normal things,really opened my eyes.I realise that there is a happiness for me and an environment that allows me to be myself.That's what I feel is missing for me currently, the fact that I'm living a lie.I keep asking myself...what gives me the right to raise and future a child,teach them right from wrong,when all the while I'm not being honest? Very early days for me but I feel that the journey has begun.
Hi Blue3011, welcome to EC! It's good that you are realizing that the situation that you are in is no longer viable, but it would also be good to understand how you got to this point. Your story is so similar to mine: the good early years of the marriage, the alienation from my own family, having a child, etc. With all of this, the one word that keeps popping into my head is betrayal. I'm not talking about your extra-marital relationship, I'm talking about the original betrayal, which was to yourself and who you are; it was the original error that led to all the other betrayals, including putting your wife over your family (I know, for the sake of peace, right?), and of course marrying when you knew that this was probably not a good idea. Please understand, I'm am not accusing you of anything, nor am I expressing disapproval; I've been there, I know almost exactly how you got to where you are now. However, the key now is to own it and to understand and acknowledge how this happened, and most importantly, to learn from this experience, otherwise, other betrayals will follow, only this time your (very patient) BF will be part of that dynamic. Many of us who married when our sexual orientations were in question did so in order to please everyone but ourselves. Yes, it was a difficult time to be gay, no doubt about it, but that's in the past, all you have is today...and an 8 year-old daughter. If you try to please everyone, as it appears to have been your habit so far, you will end up pleasing no one. Your daughter of course will come first, next, your BF, all the others: you will need to start the difficult process of negotiating your disentanglement from arrangements that are no longer working for anyone. The key thing is to find the courage you need to act, without courage, all the other blessings in your life will come to nought. Be strong, be brave and remember that you are no less deserving of love than anyone else.
"With all of this, the one word that keeps popping into my head is betrayal. I'm not talking about your extra-marital relationship, I'm talking about the original betrayal, which was to yourself and who you are; it was the original error that led to all the other betrayals" ........this is something I have never really considered. Thank you so much for your insight.Certainly something I can now reflect on.
You are singing my song with this post. I was so happy and proud to be getting married to my wife (15 years together, 10 married, 2 kids). I thought it would it would finally put all my "demons" to rest. I was a good Christian man, and I was just confused, and here I have this funny, smart, and talented woman, and she seems to love me. Very shortly into our relationship, never mind our marriage, things were complicated, but I wasn't ready to acknowledge things to myself, not all. My wife and my mother never got along, not even a day. For me it was my closest friends, they all, and I mean all, drifted away, not wanting to be in the same room with the two of us. I need to post my own coming out story here, it has all happened rather quickly for me, but I can't begin to tell you how it has changed me. Wishing peace of mind for you as you move forward.
Hey Viator! The whole clash of family element certainly impacted on the situation for me..and still does!One thing I realise is that I have to be comfortable with myself and prioritise my own feelings in order to move on .I think that the conflict between my wife and family just made me suppress my feelings and ignore what it was doing to me.It's tie to start thinking about myself I think ?
I'm feeling far more positive today!Much more so than I have in ages.It's great to come here and share my own thoughts and hear what other people are facing
Been a bit of a rollercoaster of late.I have days of feeling far more positive about the changes I need to make in my life.Then days of blind panic and overwhelming dread of what I'm facing.
I think that's totally normal. Hang in there... You are having a bunch of upheaval in your life. It will take time for it to feel normal.
Thanks both.My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I even get periods of excitement.... Does that make sense?Thinking of a life that's open and honest
There will be things that will hit you like a ton of bricks, and others will seem as nothing. Don't forget, we scrutinize ourselves with far more attention than others. I used to wonder quite often whether or not it was a good thing that our society had reached the level of ambivalence that it has, lately I'm finding that I am quite grateful for it. I truly can't imagine what it would've been like to try to come out either during or after a straight marriage say, 30 or more years ago.
