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Stuck

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Thirdtimecharm, Jul 23, 2015.

  1. Thirdtimecharm

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    I am quickly approaching my forties and sometimes I feel like a fifteen year old having recently discovered or maybe more appropriately accepted my sexuality. I am married for more than a decade, have children and have finally allowed myself to have begin looking at women more and more, thinking about them more and more, allowing my mind to wander more and more. It is such an amazing thing to allow that to happen....but then I am reminded by the borders that I still have. The ones that I impose upon myself. The ones I seem to accept as my fate.

    As I have said, I am married, we own a house together, have children together and have built a life together. It is not that I don't love him, I do. We have good times together as a family but he also has a temper, sometimes gets angry and those are the times where I really allow myself to get lost in this other newly discovered piece of me that I seem to long for. I have committed to this life. Committed to my family. Leaving now to pursue a relationship with a woman (there is no woman in particular...just the desire) seems selfish. Seems so wrong. I struggle with this choice daily. It frustrates me, scares me, excites me, and so many more emotions, but I feel stuck. What can I really do about them? What good is my acceptance of such a large part of me if I am choosing to stay married and live the life that I feel sometimes was chosen for me because of what I was taught was supposed to be. A life I live because I was scared to kiss her because omg that would mean that I am gay and if I am gay, then that means I won't be able to get married (this is my teenage self talking...) and if I don't get married, then I cannot have kids, and wow won't everyone be mad at me and well lets just not talk about the fact that I probably won't get into heaven because I like girls. Bc that is what umteen years of religious education drills into you...

    But Yes I like girls, woman. I love woman. I love the connection, the peacefulness of being in their presence and allowing myself to take them all in. I want to explore that, be foolish, be free to love without restrictions but sometimes I really am fooling myself for allowing myself to think that way to even want that.

    Yes I am choosing to stay, be part of my family. Live this life because well I am. Choosing to leave and pursue this newly accepted side of myself would be horribly selfish right? And what if it doesn't work out? What if I make the choice to leave and then end up not finding that pot of gold at the end of that lovely lovely rainbow....

    Guess I am just venting a bit. I feel giddy sometimes...looking at women now with eyes wide open, enjoying every bit of how I feel when I do...but then taking those feelings, wrapping it up in a pretty little package and hiding them away to a place that is in the back of my heart where it is so much a part of me, but really not a part of me I can do anything with right now...or even be. Being aware is amazing, being STUCK and aware, well weighs so heavy on my heart.
     
  2. Lindsey23

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    Are you happy being married? Are you in love with your husband or do you just love him as a person? Do you think you are going through a phase right now where you prefer women and may that change? Or have you always preferred women?

    I'm in a similar situation, married with kids. I felt stuck initially too but I'm getting over that. I know we are splitting up, and in the end we'll both be happier. We like each other but we don't have that "spark." We're friends, not partners. Our marriage, our relationship, exists for the sole reason that we just haven't ended it yet. If you don't feel good in your relationship and you don't see that changing you should end it. He feels it too, on some level, if things are off, he feels it. And he deserves to be let go so that he can find someone else. But, if this is just a phase and you truly do love him in a husband/wife way you might want to consider marriage counseling to improve your relationship.
     
  3. bi2me

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    Hi thirdtimecharm,
    Like you, I've been married for more than a decade, have two kids, and a year ago realized that I am bisexual. I am committed to my husband and our marriage, but I have also gone through several periods of time over the last year of feeling trapped. I'm mourning, a little bit, the knowledge that I may never be with a woman (beyond some exploration in high school with my best friend - details in my blog if you haven't read it), but for now, he isn't interested in opening up our marriage, and I don't want to leave.

    I love him, love our kids, love our family, but at times my heart aches for what I can't have. My husband doesn't understand why I sometimes spend time on here since I'm out to him and not needing support to leave him or anything like that, and I realize he just doesn't get it.

    I have told him that he makes me as happy as I think one person ever could, but there are experiences I just can't have with him, just as I would miss certain things if I were monogamous with a woman.

    I don't know how much this resonates with you, but you certainly aren't alone in choosing to stay. I would just urge you to make sure that in staying, you are still able to live a satisfying, authentic life, whatever that means to you.
     
  4. Thirdtimecharm

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    Lindsey23,

    I'm not sure how to answer that...I do love my husband but am not sure if I am I. Live with him. I don't necessarily think it is a phase at all. I have struggled with my attraction for women for years, but growing up in a very religious environment well same sex coupling was not exactly supported. I wanted kids, so I got married, to a man, Bc that was how I was taught was the way you lived your life "correctly" and now I am not regretting that Bc I have my two beautiful children, but as bi2me said, And it's so true, I think I am grieving that part of my life I will never get to experience. Yes it is my choice to stay, Bc leaving would create so much turmoil.

    My husband is a good man and knows if my attraction to women. He has flat out asked me if one day I will reveal to him that I am a lesbian and walk away. I said I didn't think so---I don't know if I am a lesbian or bi, I don't know. I have very little experience being in relationships so I don't know. I do know that I fell in love with a childhood friend and was in love with her for many many years. We no longer are in contact and it devastated me when she left me...kinda a trigger for my acceptance of my feelings for women--trigger if acceptance maybe is the better term.

    So I am not sure if anything lately. It's almost easier for me to just ignore everything and not even deal with it...

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2015 at 09:52 AM ----------

    Bi2me,

    Totally understand the mourning you speak of because I feel I am going through the same. On the same token I find myself, since I accepted my sexuality, seeking out literature, movies, shows that involve the LGBT community as the subject. I have found it to me a bit of torture me but have a hard time staying away. Just fees like I cannot live (and maybe I don't want to live) without that connection to a woman....I crave it....even though I have never had a relationship with a female and I so badly want one....I am stuck, lost a bit. I have no idea what to do with myself....
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    Ignoring this will bring only temporary relief. The questions about your sexuality will continue to come back until you deal with them.

    A lot is going through your mind, and I suggest breaking things into baby steps. The first step is to clarify your orientation because this appears to be the source of your feeling of being stuck.

    You identify as bisexual. Are you attracted to men and women equally or do you have a preference for one over the other?

    You mentioned that you fell in love with a childhood friend. Did you ever have a physical relationship with her or another woman? If so, how did it feel?

    Lots of people in EC have been where you are today, so you will be able to sort through this. It will take a lot of introspection and brutal honesty on your part, but you can work through this (&&&)
     
  6. bi2me

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    I can very much relate to this. I've been reading a lot about bisexuality and women's sexual issues in general, and spending a lot of time on here, to the point that my husband kind of blew up at me a few weeks ago. He felt like I was throwing it in his face, and I made a few comments off handed that I didn't realize bothered him (and I don't think he did at the time either), but we ended up in a kind of big argument about it. I tried to explain to him that as much as he knew I had some attraction to women since high school, I had buried it under a big pile of straight since early college. It came out of the blue for me and I'm trying to figure out how and where it has a place in my life.

    He was kind of shocked to realize that it is something I think about most days and often several times during the day. I also told him that I don't want to stop thinking about it or exploring how my sexuality fits into my life. He was a bit upset when I said something that implied that I'd thought about if I wanted to leave (something like, "If you ever leave me, I'm not going to look for another man; I think I'd want a female partner"), because he said he would never even think about life without me. But I explained that I did think about it, and I decided to stay. I feel like I make that choice every day in some ways. I do think about what it would be like, and I choose to stay. For me, that's a powerful testament to our relationship. I hope he comes to see it more that way rather than it being scary that I even contemplate it.
     
  7. Thirdtimecharm

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    SierraFire,

    To be honest I married the only man I have ever dated. I never dated any one else. I never had a physical relationship with my childhood friend. In fact our feelings were never out on the open, we never discussed them, never acknowledged them. There was always this weird tension, interaction that her and I had with her. But to my dismay nothing ever happened. I think mostly because I was afraid of what I was feeling and totally pushed it back, suffocated it. It was not until the past several years did I finally realize what it was I felt for her and accept it. We have not spoken for a while now. It was a very lengthy friendship that amounted in nothing more than confusion and heart ache.

    I spent a lot of time looking within myself and finally accepted that my feelings for my friend were not just a one time thing (which I convinced myself it was) and that I actually was attracted to women, and that I think that I am actually attracted more to women than I am to men. I have no experience with an intimate relationship with a woman on a physical level, and would like one, but obviously being married that is not something that can happen. My husband only has interest in hearing about my attraction to women as it pertains to the physical part. I have told him many times over and over that it is not about the physical part but that it is about the emotional connection that I have with women. I crave this connection.

    Yes, ignoring it may be a temporary fix, but right now it feels like the only practical thing that I can do. It is so frustrating.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2015 at 11:36 PM ----------

    Bi2Me,

    I understand where you are coming from, I have alot of the same feelings. I can really relate to your statement "He was kind of shocked to realize that it is something I think about most days and often several times during the day. I also told him that I don't want to stop thinking about it or exploring how my sexuality fits into my life." That is a huge struggle for me right now...trying to determine how exploring my sexuality fits into my life. I want to explore it. But I don't feel I can, because I am choosing to stay...So I don't know what to do with it, what to do with my feelings.
     
  8. bi2me

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    Thirdtimecharm, what do you think being out would look like to you? That's something I struggle with, but I feel like I've made some progress. Here's what I'm working on:

    1. I told a few very close friends that I'm bi, have feelings for my best friend from childhood, and that I'm not leaving my husband.

    2. Being out in my life, and when sex/sexual history comes up, not completely hiding that my best friend and I were somewhat intimate in high school. I'm trying to kind of treat her as I would an ex even though that's not really our relationship.

    3. Allowing myself to fantasize during sex/masterbation without feeling guilty.

    4. Talking to our kids (7 and 3) about future partners and telling them that they can love boys, girls, or both. They usually roll their eyes like "duh" at this, because we were big on marriage equality and talk(ed) about it a lot, but we tell them whenever they mention getting married.

    5. Wearing a rainbow bracelet my son made me (I'm not out to him, but he knows I like rainbows) and being prepared to tell someone who asks that I'm bi (hasn't happened yet, but hopefully I'm ready)

    6. A plan to tell my parents and kids if it ever becomes relevant to them. They don't need details about my sex life now, but if I ever needed to start dating, I would tell them.

    7. Hanging out here to have some community

    8. Reading and learning about bisexuality, open relationships (not doing anything about it right now - hubby is totally opposed to the idea), general women's sexuality, etc.

    It's been just over a year since my best friend triggered all my feelings again and I went into crisis. I'm feeling a bit on the other side and ready to keep moving. I wish my husband could understand why it is on my mind frequently and that I don't think these latent desires are going anywhere (aka at some point the fantasies may no longer be enough), but as he can't/won't right now, I'm working on keeping myself happy and satisfied in our relationship.
     
  9. AwesomeChick82

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    Life is way too short to be unhappy and not be who you are. I recently got divorced (we have two children together) and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I can finally focus on being happy with me and that leads to being a better person for my children.

    Sometimes you just got to jump in feet first and let the pieces fall where they may. Good luck! :thumbsup:
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    Thank you for being honest with yourself about your attractions. Given that you have stronger attraction for other women, you will continue to be frustrated until you take action and start living authentically. You may not be ready today to take action today because it feels too selfish; each of us has their own pace on this journey. Perhaps you will wake up one morning realizing that you long to be with another women. Perhaps you stay with your husband until your children are in college. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.
     
  11. Thirdtimecharm

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    Thanks AwesomeChick82. Seems like every day I am leaning that way more and more. The prospect of divorcing scares the heck out of me, Bc of what it will mean. But I grow unhappier each day. I can't sleep. I am miserable. I want to want to be here but that feing is leaving me more and more.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2015 at 12:03 AM ----------

    Thanks Siennafire. Not sure what the journey is for me, what the right journey is or what to do with myself at all. I am not happy. I want to be happy. I find myself disappearing more and more from my marriage. We don't sleep in the same bed, have not for years, and I just generally have not desire to be with my husband. Makes me sad. I really want things to be different. I want to be happy. But the thought of taking steps, life altering steps, stops me in my tracks....
     
  12. Sue Baloo

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    My thoughts exactly. I still am living with my ex though, but I have been sleeping in the living room for over a year. I am in school to get my degree so I can better provide for the kids and myself. Once I get me degree I am relocating with my kids. I can not wait to be 100% free of the marriage so that I can really spread my wings. My ex is a complete homophobe. Ugh.
    but every step I take towards having my own exclusive autonomy, separate from a family unit, makes me feel so much freer. At this point I already identify myself as a single gay mom, and I gotta say, I like the sounds of that. It's not scary anymore. :icon_bigg
     
  13. Thirdtimecharm

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    Sue Baloo, small world. We are basically neighbors and I spent part of my childhood living in ur part of town...

    Awesome job in being who you are and going to school to make a better life for yourself and your kids :slight_smile:. I am trying to be living my truth, to be my authentic self but I am torn. It's really hard. I need to get more self confidence. That is one of my biggest issues. I don't have a really close network of friends, so I don't have a lot of support. My family knows nothing---well I am sure that they suspect, but I have not directly discussed anything. Fear is a big part of what keeps me in my marriage and also there is still a part of me that wants to stay in my marriage, as I have committed to it. Committed to my family. It is such a roller coaster most days. Back and forth, but more and more I am feeling I am not being truly who I am if I continue to suffocate that part of me, my sexuality. It's so frustrating, wish I would have went through this at 15...
     
  14. Lmwanninger

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    I also am questioning my sexuality. I have had a very strong attraction for woman as well as men all growing up. I have never pursued any of the feelings or attractions because I was raised Catholic and was told it is Very very wrong. I don't know if I'm attracted to woman more then men. I am after being married for the last 17 years and being with the same guy for the last 27 years getting divorced. I don't have kids I am not able to. So I am now allowing my to pursue a relationship with another woman. Not having had a relationship with or ever kissed another woman I am really confused, nervous, scared and executed all at the same time. I have tried looking for support groups in my area and having trouble finding any. I am trying so hard to look and feel straight that I don't know what to do. I am glad I found this site and know that their are more people out their than I thought their would be that are going through this later in life.
     
  15. Thirdtimecharm

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    Lmwanniger, you have come to the right place. There are lots of us here. Sounds like my situation is somewhat similar. I am also Catholic and went to Catholic school all my life. I am an expert on guilt, living a life that "I should" and ignoring my true self (I was in love em with my best friend, who I met at Catholic school) for over 29 years. I totally understand where u are coming from.

    I am happy that you are now moving in the direction of allowing yourself to pursue that part of you. I have learned that you won't be able to look and feel straight Bc you're not, so just be you. Be authentically you and love who you love. You now are single and have the opportunity to do so.

    Btw if you ever want to talk, vent, etc let me know....not everyone understands the somewhat of a "prison" religion can be when you are having attractions to the same sex...

    Hang in there :slight_smile:
     
  16. Lmwanninger

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    I don't know where to go or how to meet people in general. Not necessarily to date but just to sit and talk and hang out with. I was going to go to the bars but have been told that I would be throwing myself to the wolves. And I don't want to do that. Especially since I am so confused on the whole thing. It sucks that we can't send private messages on here. Because I think I would enjoy talking back and forth with you directly.
     
  17. Thirdtimecharm

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    If you post ten posts you can write on people's walls. You are one post away from that...
    Writing on each other's wall is a great way to communicate. I have built a lot of good connections here that way.

    I will leave a note on your wall.
     
  18. Lmwanninger

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    Hi I hope we can become good friends on here. Our situations seem very much alike. I don't have kids but am also feeling like a kid inside who is just discovering girls in addition to boys and it feels weird. look forward to chatting soon
     
  19. Thirdtimecharm

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    Lmwanniger, of course. I am always here to chat. I posted a message on your wall. Just view conversation and you can reply. Boy do I know what you mean about feeling like a kid inside. I feel like a 15 year old....and I wish I could go out and explore. It is a very weird feeling and hard to keep things balanced....

    Talk soon.