Hi all, I came to terms about me and my sexual orientation in the last 1-2 years, but things are not moving very smoothly. Here is some background info about me: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...olved-issue-bisexuality-there-back-again.html I am pretty new to dating within a gay society. I have never been to any gay club, I don't think I can go there by myself. Not having any gay friend might be another reason. I thought that the best way to start to have gay friends was having an online profile where I can date and meet with people that way. Things did not go well recently: I started to date with a guy. We met two months ago, and because of his schedule, we managed to meet three times, one day each week. After the last one, we could not meet at least for three weeks in row, but chatted briefly almost everyday on the phone through texting. I intentionally invited him to some places to get around with him and to introduce him to my friends. He politely rejected to come with an excuse. I expected the same from him, but nothing happened. 2 weeks ago, I again invited him to my place. He accepted first, but cancelled it at the last moment. Because I did not feel well with this last minute cancellation, I ignored him for that day. And the next day, he came with a text message to move on as friends, which seem to him as the best for both of us. I said it would be OK if that is what he wants. Now, I again return back to the app to find some people to date, but nothing progressive happening. We either do not have a much rich conversation going on, or even if we manage to meet, it stays there. There is no second date! I really do not know what is going on. Being lonely and not having productive results from the search for intimacy do not help me. I am questioning myself over and over again about what I am doing wrong. One explanation is, maybe, I am not patient enough. The other explanation is the rules are quite complicated for dating with a guy. Is there anybody who feels the same about dating? And do you have any suggestion in order to deal with this stress and loneliness...
I've read over and over that dating apps are really not that successful for people on EC. My suggestion would be to check out a meetup event for LGBT folks to see if you can meet people there. There can be a ton of them depending on where you live. (*hug*)
I've tried a few various apps and I like them in idea, as in I like to chat and get to know people before taking a step to meet and go do something. (I get distracted easily sometimes and like to look around so this sometimes get taken like I'm not listening if the place is busy and something makes me look away from the person I just met) I'm not in the exact same boat as you but I've never really had a successful experience either with the apps. I think, if you can find the time, trying doing some offline things to meet people as well. You may find people you're more compatible with if you meet them at an event or such you already have in common... at least that's my train of thought and what I've been trying to do recently... EDIT PS: I've also had some pretty questionable experiences with some of the apps too. As in one I had like 5 people asking me for sex within an hour of me signing up.. I've heard some of the ones for men looking for men are pretty bad with that too... which is...frustrating if that's not what you're looking for.
Sounds very familiar. I met someone online in May. We only got to go out once every week to week and a half due to his schedule and mine. I thought it was going well. We talked in my car coming home from a party last weekend. I asked him where this was going and he said he was not ready for a relationship yet and wants to keep going out as friends for now. Every other person on that site who has contacted me was in another state. I don't think a long distance relationship will work. I know I'm not very patient either.
Hey there, Dutchwaffles! First off: a word of encouragement: I read your blog background, and I think you definitely already took great strides in trying to reshape your life. And I definitely think putting yourself out there is no mean feat. It doesn't guarantee success right away, but it is the only way to eventually meet good friends and/or a partner! Now, that said... some thoughts: I don't think there's any really complicated "rules for dating a guy". It's the same as dating a girl, mostly: a dance of finding each other out, drawing closer, reassessing, and doing things together to see if there is a definite attraction. That said, dating gay guys can sometimes be complicated. The treshold for creating an online profile is low. Being ready to be out and gay and dating is sometimes a bit harder. So you did everything right with the guy you mentioned in your post. But if you ask me, he just wasn't ready for it himself. He probably thought he was ready for it, but then when the opportunity of being out in public on a date with a guy came (or in a setting where intimacy could conceivably happen), he shied away. So it's not exactly a failure. Just more a matter of the stars not being right. Which goes for the entire concept of dating, by the way. You don't "fail" a date if no relationship happens. You just discover it wasn't to be. A "no" is as valid an answer as a "yes". Now, what does this mean for future steps? It really is a numbers game. You're not compatible with just anyone, and it's hard to determine compatibility from just an online profile. So continuing online dating, you'll have to accept that most don't go anywhere. But there is bound to be someone out there who's compatible and looking for similar. Secondly: online dating sites are not necessarily the best place to look for "just friends". People log on to them when they're aching for a relationship, and will see "Let's just be friends" as a sign to move on. So: yes, you need friends. People you can be open with about all of this (and the rest of your life besides). Gay friends will obviously have more in common, but straight friends can be pretty awesome too. Most of my friends are straight, even, without too much awkwardness, even when talking in detail. And the best way to meet friends is doing something you like. Such as, but not limited to: joining a sports club. Joining a hobby club. Or a walking group. Or a reading group. Bonus points if those are gay-oriented, but gust general population groups can work too! I met my tightest group of friends when I took up Judo. Pick one, go to one, never hide your true self (AKA: no pretending to be straight), and see if you find people who have matching interests. Finally: don't be stressed. It isn't a race. You're doing things to maximise your chances, but even then it sometimes takes a while for results to appear. And never hesitate to keep coming to us for support and/or advice!
What Filip said above is absolutely spot on, you need to be out there and "out" to everyone so that you increase your chances of being introduced to someone by friends who know who you are. That said, there are particularities to dating gay guys that need to be understood and there is no better book on this topic than Joe kort's 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love For example, Kort talks about the difference between cruising and flirting (Chapter 10), and the issues gay men face when dealing with internal homophobia, or the fear of being out. Well worth reading to better understand your quest for the right partner for you.
Thanks a lot for each response. I am attending to meetups, but could not find any specific one for LGBT people in my city. It is good to have friends and spend time with them, but I have been that much open to them yet. I am not hiding something, but I don't feel comfortable enough to chat about my life if they are interested in at all. Maybe, I should be more open, which would help me to find real love without making any huge effort... Thanks for the link too. Let's see how things will go...
Good for you! One thing though, and you'll see it in the book I recommended, there are few endeavours more demanding than finding real love, however, rest assured, there are some people for whom it is worth all that effort.
Yeah, seems like you're on the right path, then! And yes, opening up is hard. Especially if you spent years biting your tongue. I sometimes feel like, six years after coming out, I'm still learning to be more open every day. Usually, the trick is to pick something to tell them. Coming out (if you haven't yet) is a logical candidate, but sometimes it can really just be any random trivia about yourself you never mentioned. And then you introduce that into conversation, observe how they appreciate getting to know you better, and use that as a further confidence-builder! Also: it took me about two years to find a boyfriend. Which seems like a long time (and, to be fair, I wasn't actively dating people and just open for things if they came along), but once you've found the right guy, the past tends to quickly reshape itself into a vague blur leading up to the present. The most important thing is to never lose hope and keep puting yourself out there!
When I was young going to any bar alone (even if just for a beer and a sandwich) was intimidating. So was going to a guitar store and trying new guitars (and watching all the great guitar players watch me). Public speaking has always been intimidating. Playing guitar in a band in front of lots of people has made me extremely nervous. Shooting free throws in a pressure packed basketball game in front of lots of friends and family scared the crap out of me. Asking my boss for a raise has always troubled me. Quitting my job or negotiating a salary in a new job is very stressful. Asking people out for dates has made me crazy uptight. Taking the CFA exams at age 52 versus all the youngsters was unbelievably stressful. At first going to a gay bar etc was VERY intimidating. Until I did it and had a lot of laughs with fun people.
