So finally after weeks of struggling with myself I couldn't take anymore and yesterday evening I told my boyfriend (of 8 years). I just burst out, there was more and more guilt in me piling up, and the more guilty I felt the nicer he was to me, and so on...so I couldn't take it anymore and told him. At first he became very serious, with the tragic look on his face which usually means something horrible is going to happen. He asked me what I wanted to do now. If I want us not to be together anymore. I was so terrified, of what I could say, so shocked of this conversation actually happening, that I was just sitting there, crying my eyes out and wasn't able to say anything else than "I don't know". In that moment I realized (again) how difficult is for me to talk about how I feel, about my emotions. Even if I'm 33, I have serious issues with expressing my emotions. Not to say interpreting and understanding them. I then said that "I just cannot imagine how it would be for us not to be together anymore". But then he said that this is what those people say who actually are thinking about how it would be like not to be together anymore... But otherwise ha was calm and was trying to listen to what I have to say. The problem was I found myself more shocked than he was, I wasn't able to almost say anything. He asked me if I can tell him more details but I think I just wasn't prepared. In my mind all those things appeared, from my teens, when I've been attracted to women but was so terrified that I convinced myself it wasn't true, then all my relationships with men prior to this one, when most of them ended because after the initial infatuation phase I started feeling grossed out especially after sex. But I was still forcing myself to get to new relationships and telling to myself that wasn't the right man. My first kiss at 14 which felt not right, kind of gross but convinced myself this is how it should be. The sex with him, my current boyfriend, which was sometimes good, but something always felt not right, and I always tried to make it better, try new stuff, but something was always missing. I couldn't tell him any of these stuff above. So I just stood there and finally told him that something clicked, and I realized I cannot continue living like this, it feels like I am suppressing a big part of myself and I know that if I wouldn't let myself explore that, I would die with huge regrets. I'm sure of that. He said that he wouldn't want that and it is extremely damaging for someone who has these feelings to continue to suppress them. He was very understanding, he said he wants me to be happy because regardless of the fact that we are together now, I am his best friend and he loves me. Ok, now I'm crying just writing this... We talked two hours, about stuff, about the fact that there is no such thing as a wrong decision, because when we make a decision we always choose what seems right in that moment based on all the knowledge we have available in that moment. So I got a therapist appointment for next week - there is no way back from here. I have no idea though what the future will bring, but maybe that is a place I need to be right now. Of the not knowing..and accepting it somehow. But I didn't tell my boyfriend that I don't feel attracted to him sexually anymore... and I know I should tell him, because after this talk, a bit later we hugged (and I really needed that and wanted that), but after that he made a kind of sexual move and I felt just so put off by that...But I couldn't tell him.
Sometimes the information comes out slowly. Your therapist will hopefully be able to help you figure out how to proceed from here. Congratulations on starting the process with him. Try to figure out over the next few months what you do want out of your relationship/life. It can take a while to sort out various feelings. (*hug*)
It's a hard thing to say and then accept the reality of something you have been suppressing for so long. I imagine that when you were having the conversation it didn't even feel real. But it will. Once you are through the rough patch you will feel more free than you ever have before and once you meet a special lady for the first time you will be glad that you did this. I know it feels bad now, but it wont feel that way forever.
Thanks so much for your encouragements (*hug*) Yeah, I' m oscillating now between euphoria and wanting to give up, I have to be honest... There are moments when I feel I won't ever be able to change 33 years of programming, suppression and negative thought patterns. Yesterday a friend visited me (she lives in an other country), and we went out for some drink, and later some other friends of hers joined. The interesting thing was that I started noticing the world from another point of view somehow, a non-straight one, and I started freaking out a bit - realizing somehow how many privileges I had before, and now, as a "straight girl" who fits the norm, how limited this "norm" is, and how limited the box is where people put you. I started to watch myself and the world from a lesbian's perspective and I started to feel pretty alone (and caught myself hoping I'll see and identify somehow others people like me in that restaurant we were staying. I was secretely hoping that the two guys from the other table would be a couple, but they weren't and one of them was checking me out insistently unfortunately...and so on ) On a more positive note I noticed that I'm finally able to be more open with my friend (who is a girl), because in the last years I somehow isolated myself from all my women friends... Also I feel a bit attracted to her, but nothing will ever happen between us and I don't even want to. And I cannot even imagine myself yet telling her about me...Not sure she would not judge me :icon_sad: With my boyfriend is a bit more tricky, he seems to have some small angry outbursts (unrelated to me) and also seems more and more jealous. I still feel my world would crash down if I would lose him. And shitloads of guilt....:icon_sad: So yeah, I hope I can do stuff in a way that would't destroy him. It's infinitely important to me to see him happy.
Congrats TeeTree, that was a big step but remember more steps have yet to come. I can totally understand you couldn't tell him all the details right away, I couldn't either, but the truth is he needs to know how you really feel in order to truly understand the situation. Besides the combination of feeling guilty and unwanted sex does suck. Don't worry you'll know when you're ready. And it's good you have a therapist. It's infinitely important to me to see him happy... please, just don't sacrifice yourself, okay?! That wouldn't help anyone. I couldn't break up with my ex for the same reason but in the end I realized his happiness is all fake and he even knew it. Btw what about making some LGBT friends in real life?
Thanks Paris, and yeah, all you've written makes a lot of sense to me. I know that I'm not ready yet for a lot of things and even the pocess of coming out to myself is still ongoing... I kind of feel like I'm losing my identity, the sense of me, and I'm terrified and excited. Literally, when I look in the mirror I'm asking who is this. But disidentifying also means that I find myself talking more freely with people, like there isn't this image of myself I constantly feel the pressure to live up to. But in the moment when I stop and try to label myself or think about my future and my past, the internal shitstorm starts. About making LGBT friends, I'd love to, but maybe I should accept myself first. Also even if I can be really comfortable with people I know, or even people I just met, I'm a not so good in initiating stuff and I have a huge fear of rejection. Though I think accepting myself more and more and exposing myself to new situations might actually help.
TeeTree, if you're not good at initiating stuff you just gotta practise it. Do it every day. Start with small stuff. This way you gain more confidence. I remember my very first time when I received an email from a lesbian I replied to on a dating site. I was so scared that it took me a day just to read it. Now I don't hesitate at all. Practise, practise, practise! :icon_wink
I feel you, I am in more or less exactly the same position as you are. It is so difficult to say what you feel or think out of the fear of hurting your partner, and sometimes also because saying them makes them more true somehow. And putting their happiness above your own while at the same time recognizing it is not good for yourself (or I guess in the end for them either). So don't sadly have much advice, just know you are NOT alone!
Thanks for the advice, Paris. I might do that too, I think I'm not there yet. For now what I do practice is my intention to connect with more people, and also reconnecting with women in general. In the last more than few years I isolated myself into my relationship and cut down nearly all connections with especially female friends. I see it now as a possible way of denying my sexuality, by not letting myself to get closer to women. How screwed up is that? A few months ago I started seriously questioning why I felt so uneasy around those few female friends I still kept some connection with, and I could't answer. Until now. And now I'm discovering how good it feels to let myself close to my friends again, and women in general. So yeah, still full with doubt but hopefully getting somewhere ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2015 at 11:55 PM ---------- Yeah, I can totally relate to that, saying things makes them appear more true. Like suddenly you recognised it, and can't go back. Also, I don't know how old you are, but for me, it adds to my confusion that I cannot really find stuff online about people coming to terms with their sexuality later in life, like +27, +30, and who have been in maybe more relationships with the opposite sex, but still were trying to find an explanation why sex was not that good, or why that connection just wasn't there. I somehow always have found substitutes (cuddling, deep friendship, soulmate-like state, etc), and never wanted to openly recognise that I'm gay. People who are shown as late-bloomers are either presented as 1. They've always consciously known they were gay 2. Late life lesbians who were 100% straight before but changed their orientation later I'm not saying these are not happening, they are, but I'm searching desperately everwhere to be able to identify a bit with stories out there, and I'm not finding any, so it's somehow even more difficult to start believing myself. Anyway, sorry for the detour And also that's why it means a lot to me to see that I'm not alone in this. And I'm sorry you have to go though this too (*hug*)
I'm almost the same age as you (32) and fully understand the 'it's somehow even more difficult to start believing myself' part. I never ruled it out, being attracted to a woman, but it never really happened either - maybe because I don't get attracted very easily. So I slept with men but never really got anything out of it apart from a kind of validation. And then fell for this girl on the first moment I saw her and after that things have been just.. unfolding. But damn if it isn't difficult.
Sending lots of love to you. Please send me a message if you ever need to talk. I left a man I was with for 9 years, so I understand what this situation is like. Just want you to know you are not alone in your experience. I had a very difficult time having sex with men, but I just thought it was a low libido. Little inklings here and there are now coming to mind that I may have been attracted to women, but this is only in retrospect that I see it. I did not realize it at the time. There is a book on amazon called Dear John, I love Jane. Stories about women who left men for women. All different stories. This book might help. It made me feel less alone.
Thanks Oh Lilac for the book suggestion, I'm going to check it out. Though for me now there is no "Jane", more like every second women I meet looks like a potential Jane So yeah, since I told my boyfriend, after the initial understanding and loving reaction, even starting from the second morning there is almost no communication whatsoever...I completely understand that he needs time and space (and I need to), only that it started feeling like coming home to a cemetery every day... So maybe on some level I wanted the denial reaction, that everything is fine, but now like things are speeding up on this rollercoaster I'm on and no idea what is going to happen next. I started connecting more with other people (work and couple of friends mostly), and more importantly with myself. In my better moments I feel more myself than I have ever felt before and I'm even surprised. Like that continuous feeling of unease, of being something off suddenly went away and everything feels more real than ever and I just know I'm doing the right thing even if I have no idea what I'm doing and seems like I'm jumping directly into the fire. But the low moments are also really low, though I know they will also pass. I'm looking forward to my therapy appointment, on Monday. Also me and my bf should travel together to visit parents and childhood friends next weekend and now I just cannot imagine how will we pull that off, 7 hours in the car together, and then put on happy faces for friends and family...
Reading this thread has been very helpful in that I know that other people have found it difficult to just start "living" especially when repression was involved....the more time that passed, the harder it gets. I do like the advice of just doing it, practice. If you're engaging on here, you're at least practicing at engaging, and being nervous is OK, especially if you've never been yourself. You'll figure it out.
Hey Moonflower, I'm so happy that you found this helpful. And yes, this is what I like about this whole forum, it helps a lot to realise you're not alone. Though I'm still struggling even with believing this is all happening and there is a lot of fear, but this is the first time when I'm not running away from it, but more like towards is, and there is a deep feeling of trust, and that was something I've basically never had before, self trust. And it makes sense, if you are lying to yourself for so long how coud you trust yourself? What I noticed is that there is this internal guidance system (for lack of better term) and when I'm listening to it, I'm honoring myself and it makes evetything better, life gets clearer, regardeless of the fact if the external circumstances would show that everything is a mess.
My problem is when the internal system really disagrees with the external system. I Have a husband, so there isn't room to let the internal system just run wild, even though sometimes it wants to. :dry:
For me I think the turning point (or interval because it lasts for a while) came when I started realizing more and more clearly that I cannot be myself if I continue my life in the same direction. I started to feel my life stagnating and not only mine, but also my boyfriends life. Now I think he doesn't see this the way I do, but he has had a lot of dreams and he is an extremely smart guy but right now both of us are just "existing" and not really living. I really think we both would deserve better. But still, I am not able to break up with him. But this is where I am right now and I accept that...baby steps... Also I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore (let's face it, never really have been very much) but we are still very close, there is this special connection. There was a time when I've been fantasizing about the two of us going out like very close friends and hitting on women. I know how crazy that sounds :icon_redf We have this strange connection where we feel like we are children sometimes. Maybe the emotional connection I've never had with my father...or something. Anyway sorry if this was too much information, but needed to get this out too, I guess
