what is up with +35

And what about

C) Hate hookups and want a committed BF/partner

Or are we statistically insignificant

 

I don't think it's necessarily a gay thing, or even a male thing. Once you hit your mid 30s, you've developed a routine and a way of life that you're comfortable with. The average person of that age, if they're still single, might be single because they just simply like being unattached, and will run lIke hell from some one who wants to lock them into being their one and only. Or they might have had some reason to be single till now, like family commitments or illness or social ineptitude or that whole pesky straight marriage thing. (In my case, most of the above!) Or they might just have unrealistic expectations of other people that are making them too judgmental to find someone who lives up to their standards. I don't think that being single past your 30s is always symptomatic of some problem. I just think a lot of people just are used to living the way they've always lived and are satisfied with what they feel they get out of it.

 

Please explain. Give examples.

 

I'm 53 and hadn't noticed this problem. Maybe we see what we are looking for. Maybe when one is too eager to get attached one doesn't have the patience to wait for a relationship to come along? or maybe one is too picky and passes up a relationship with someone who they deem to be "not good enough"? there's all kinds of explanations to your question/concern that may not be demographic, and I doubt all men that are +35 can be put in the same category.

 

Welcome to EC shane0595 :welcome:

Looks like you are out and proud in Pittsburgh.

 

I'll offer my perspective and one I've been currently working on.

One has to be willing to change. For what ever reason I constantly want to reinvent myself from time to time - I have always sought change throughout life.

A relationship takes time and energy. Some people may not have enought time and energy money in their life bank.

I, coming from the 1960s - 1980s crowd, have never been in a serious relationship ever. This specifically means I've never fallen in love with another human, ever. Explore and discover gay activities were shut down by family and society when I was a teen - the critical age when "how does one love another" is learned. So now I have a huge learning curve - I read books, watch gay movies and try to find dates for the first time, per what I hunger for. This takes time and may appear "I'm not interested in them" to someone observing this. But it's not that I'm not interested in them I just don't know how to do it.

 

I'm in the C) group (and over 35): authentic friendships, fun and romantic dates, and a warm, reliable shoulder to lean on sound good to me... (*hug*)

 

I'm sorry but this hasn't been my experience at all.

I've been in three committed relationships in my time, the last now approaching the 20yr mark. I know quite a number of other guys around my age who are in committed relationships as well. And I've never found guys looking for a relationship, or at least willing to entertain the possibility, to be all that rare. And I would say that the many many guys getting married as it has become legal would also be another counter-indicator.

Yes, there are guys who are only into sex (or at least sex right now) and guys who don't want to/can't commit. The same exists among straight people.

What I would suggest is that treating 'love and commitment' as the be-all and end-all of existence, is not a very productive approach to trying to find a relationship.

Love and commitment (in my experience) are things that grow and develop over time rather than just magically striking out of the blue on the first encounter. They are, as often as not, a happy discovery that may be found in unexpected places and with unexpected people.

Similarly, I would suggest that dismissing people (or even expressing contempt toward them) because they are only into sex (either in general or just right then) rather closes the door on any possibility that they might eventually become something more. Sex is just fun with friction. There is nothing special or spiritual or meaningful about it in any objective sense. It may lead to getting to know someone better and finding that there is a connection that leads to a committed relationship. Or not.

If someone truly wishes to only deal with people who are totally committed to having a relationship before any kind of sexual intimacy appears, fine. If someone truly doesn't want to have anything to do with anyone who might be 'into' sex (sex only, sex first, sex right now, etc.), then I suppose that is their choice.

But in doing either of these things, I would suggest that they realize that actions have consequences and acting surprised by that fact strikes me as the most highly non-productive action of all.

And I find your...flippancy regarding AIDS borderline offensive.

Todd

 

Well said!

 

my experience is that at 35+ people start to disappear. if they are in a relationship, they are taken so they do not go out to anything "gay" and mostly stay at home with their partner and kids or dogs and have house parties. you'll never meet them.

for the single 35 and up, they usually fall into two categories...the peter pan and the jaded frustrated or completely given up guy that fills his life with other activities and his dog.

the peter pan is out in the scene and still trying to pick up anything he can catch. you can also find him on online dating sites with profiles saying "open to friends" but actually he wants to hook up. he is also a club/bar regular.

the post 35 guy that is over the scene usually hangs with close friends at house parties and other semi-"closed" gay outings with a close circle of trusted gay friends. this guy usually has a career and wants to find someone but is over the club scene. he only hangs around his closed circle of gay friends and his trusted dog/pooch/cat, so he has become somewhat of a hermit gay. basically the opposite of a closet gay but the hermit gay is out and comfortable in his gayness but has become secluded and reclusive. the only way to find him is possibly on a dating site or through one of his friend networks. he is shy so even if you see him at the gym, grocery store, or wherever, he is not likely to make a move. you have to approach him. this guy is usually very picky. he's waited this long for love, still single, kissed a lot of frogs and at this point, doesn't want to kiss anymore. his motto is: "i can do bad all by myself".

the good guys stay far away from the scene and are somewhat hidden. they also are usually the ones frustrated because they say it's hard to find others like them.

you also have the hopeless romantic that has let hisself go. this guys is really nice, sweet and charming but outwardly he has let hisself go. he usually looks about 5 -10 year older than his age and has no interest in keeping himself up. if someone really love him, they will love him just as he is, he says to himself.

finally you have the out and proud gay guy that is a former scene queen but he has aged out of the scene. he knows it's time to give up his club years, so he no longer goes to gay clubs and bars, but he decides to create his own "professional gay club scene". basically a club/bar without being in the gay district. he basically develops his own "boy club" of other former scene queens that create an exclusive mid 30s clique. these guys workout nonstop (fighting the inevitablility of time), they do house parties and other events where they can go shirtless and wear short shorts and high top casual atheletic shoes. (pool parties, beach outings, more mature circuit parties are a favorite amongst this group). the bodies in this group must be as good as or better than those of their 20s. essentially they are just like the club scene guys just minus the club. they usually are all fairly attractive and single. hmmm wonder why.

take your pick.. or you can wait and hope that the guy that has a partner breaks up with him.

 

Wow. Really? I'm so glad I came out at 35....

One. I did my clubbing and crap as a straight guy. Why would I want to have a twenty year old rubbing all over me now.

Two. All this negativity and stereotyping. Really and you complain about the gay culture stereotyping too? What gives. Is it Opposite Day?

I've met some awesome people since I came out. Most have just been curious why I waited, but I've only had one instance where someone was an ass about it. He got shot down by his friend for that so I didn't have to worry about it.

And why not got to the gym and look better than you do? Honestly it makes me feel better about myself. And since I've been dealing with some self esteem issues since coming out I believe it's a great boost. And I'm going to show it off too.

Sound more like externalizing something in yourselves, and you obviously are going to the wrong places to meet people.

 

I have to say that this has not really been my experience either and I fall pretty far into the demographic you describe. The first thing that comes to mind is that the majority of gay men 35+ that I know are actually in conventional long term relationships. I know that doesn't really help you but it's true nonetheless. I suppose if we take all those people out of the equation and only look at single guys that it probably is true that a larger portion of older single guys are single by choice. If you are looking for that guy who is single only because he hasn't met the right guy yet, I guess it would make sense that the odds of that do decrease with age and experience.

It seems to me though that a lot of that comes down to people with more age and experience not being as willing to settle. I wonder if what you may be encountering is not so much the difference between who can handle a relationship and who can't but rather who is actively/frantically looking for one and who isn't. I will say when I was dating--and as I stopped dating around 26 I mainly dated people under 35--that indeed it did seem like everyone wanted a "relationship." I can't tell you how many times I found myself looking up during a date and thinking "Oh G*d, I thought we were going bowling and this guy thinks we're picking out china patterns."

But it wasn't because all those guys were ready for a relationship, it was largely because they didn't understand what one really is. They had a big guy-shaped hole in their life and they were out there looking for someone to fill it, and, well, I'd do. I found my first longer term partner that way. I went out looking for a relationship and I found one. We were good friends--still are over 20 years later--and we both were very enamored of the idea of a relationship, and after about a year and a half we realized that we both had settled and it hadn't really fixed anything.

Once you've had that experience you look at the guy picking out china patterns on the second date a little differently. The fact of the matter is that if I were single I would be much more likely to take the guys who would like to sleep with me on the first date seriously than I would the guys who want to get married on the first date. And yeah, maybe that is because I'm over 35 and I've been there and done that and I have the t-shirt in too many colors to count, but it's not because I can't commit (I've been with my partner for 17 years).

The fact of the matter is that most of the guys I know who are in long term relationship--and I actually know a lot of them--were not looking for a relationship when they found one, and most gay guys over 35 I know, know that because they've been in relationships just to be in a relationship and they know it didn't magically fix all their problems.

 

sorry. i was sterotyping and being negative. i have things i need to work thru. once i am out i will meet better people.

 

We all have issues we need to work through, that's why we are here on EC. timeforchange needs to accept and love his gay side. Please support him (&&&)

 

We all support him and I've read his posts. I understand he's in a really crappy dark place right now. Honestly it's feeding his fears, insecurities, and harming his self acceptance.

Timeforchange: please get some help. These thoughts are going to eat you up. I'm unsure if you've opened up to anyone IRL, but man you need it. A friend, relative, therapist, anonymous call in center. Philadelphia has something like this I may take advantage of if I stumble again into the dark place. It's strictly anonymous. Can call or visit the center. It's called the William Way Center. CA has to have something similar. EC is a good place but I think you need a little more. I hate being harsh, but just do it. It's not a bad thing to get help, sometimes you can't help yourself. I love going to therapy. You can talk about anything, like being a practical gay virgin, afraid of being out, afraid of reactions, the fact that I still don't understand when people say I'm attractive and I shut down.

Just please do it. Get your mind out of the dark and hell paint it with rainbows!

 

Not all of us know what we want at a younger age, it's not always black and white u know!!

 

If someone started pressuring me to get serious after 2 months I'd be seeing red flags all over the place. What's the rush? Give the man some time to decide if you are what HE wants. You can either be the nice guy who builds his trust by letting things go at a pace he's comfortable with, or the stalker who makes him feel like he's being pushed into a decision he's not ready for. The choice is yours.

 

Honestly, I'd be pretty terrified of anyone who was sure they wanted to be in a serious relationship at two months. That's so little time, I wouldn't think they were interested in me exactly, although they could be. I'd think they were just looking for something they could "check off", not a real relationship with another person.

---------- Post added 29th Jul 2015 at 12:23 PM ----------

Haha...also what CB said.