I finally admitted to myself that I am totally lesbian, Kinsey 6, no question. I am suffering tremendous guilt. I feel like an extremely crappy lesbian, because the rest of you were fighting for marriage equality while I was regressing the cause by living a fake life. I do feel a bit like a traitor for doing this, and then coming out now. I did come out around puberty, and told my family, but at the time everyone said I was too young. One of my closest relatives told me I would have a horrible life, and should stay in the closet, or I would never marry or have kids. She said all women do this (!). I thought maybe this was true. Then I told a female therapist that I was struggling with my sexuality, and she began a consensual sexual relationship with me. Technically, I guess this was abuse, but I was willing. Anyhow, I don't take therapists very seriously at this stage, lol. Fastforward through bestfriend crushes and teen angst. On to college, I had one long time "boyfriend", who was a closet transwoman (who has still not come out to anyone but me, sigh). We really tried, but the sex was atrocious on both sides. :roflmao: After school, I found the first conservative bloke who ticked the boxes, and decided to get married. I am not sure what I was thinking. Maybe I just wanted kids and a normal life very badly. Hetero privilege. This is where I lost the plot. I became a Stepford wife. Like, totally convinced I could pull this off if I just applied enough will. I spent so much time paranoid about being figuring it out. I was a good Stepford wife. Sex....omg. Repression central. The man I married had huge issues of his own. But, a decade into the marriage, his attitude changed, and he became more capable and desiring of a normal relationship. This is when I realized I wanted and needed that too....but I couldn't give HIM that, because I am a lesbian. Even if I try, I cannot see men in any remotely sexual way, and never have. I feel like I could actually die of loneliness if I don't make this change. But. I am so guilty for being selfish when no one else wants me out but me. My best friend is genderqueer and also in the closet. She intends to stay there forever, and never act on it. Her father came out in a traumatic way when she was a teen, and she doesn't want to hurt her family in the same way. She feels I should stay married and in the closet, and just live the life I've chosen. I came out again to my (married and bisexual) mother, and told her I can't do this anymore. She freaked out, and basically told me to stay in the closet until my kids are grown, or I'd be a terrible mother and we'd all suffer. She will not support me. She suggested I just stfu and have affairs like so many normal people (!). I came out to my husband, fully. He is very religious, and says that God would not let him marry a lesbian, so I must be mistaken. Deep down, I know that he knows. But, he says he is happy with our "sex life" anyway and I should just accept it and become a fundamentalist. He is literally trying to pray the gay away. Eeegads. I feel like I am getting nowhere. There are a lot of good financial reasons to stay. My kids -- I love them, and want them to be happy. I have a heap of hobbies. I can make a good life if I stay. But, there will be no love? No intimacy, no honesty. I don't want casual affairs. I want one partner to love with full integrity, monogamous and completely. I realize I might never find her, and could end up alone, and I'm okay with this. But the guilt! And fear, and shame. How do you cope with all the friggin guilt???
I too was deeply affected by the marriage equality ruling. I remember that day, I could not stop crying. It was pivotal in my own coming out. Why? Because I liken myself in the closet to being in a jail. I let myself out after a lengthy sentence in the closet. Cowardice is not the term to use for it. Not at all. People come from different backgrounds. Also, to visualize that everyone who was out was happily adjusted and bravely organizing for marriage equality is wrong as well. Societal change was often won because of people who lost children, sisters, brothers, best friends to drugs and suicide because they could not be "brave" in the way that others could. I'm speaking as someone who has experienced this with male friends who did come out in college. Family backgrounds are diverse for people in the LGBT community too. Once religion gets into the picture the issue becomes even deeper, especially as in the case of some of myself and my friends, if the religion was internalized. As for finding someone else, forgiving yourself and loving yourself would be a good start. I don't stand in judgement of you, and I might be wrong, but I don't think too many people, especially those of us over thirty five, will either.
Hey there. What's done is done. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You can now start to do things that make you happier and bring you closer to living how you know deep down you want to. I find it interesting that your bisexual mother doesn't support you. Is it possible she is resentful of having been stuck living heterosexually and so is subconsciously projecting her lack of fulfillment on you? If she has had to "suffer" this, so do you? (I don't have a psych degree so ...) And maybe your genderqueer friend, too? You might want to find some more supportive people to make friends with. Is there an lgbt resource centre near you? Maybe a drop-in or two wouldn't hurt. Or some activity meetup that is for lesbians. You could do something fun where you could just be yourself and be around others who I can pretty much guarantee won't be telling you to suck it up. At a minimum, stick around here, read other stories and post questions so you can begin to feel less guilty. Because you certainly have no cause to.
I was surprised by that, too! I thought for sure that she would understand this. But, she's acting like it is a personal attack on her. She left her own marriage for another woman, but regretted it. Did a lot of frantic dating, and then married a man. Her new marriage is financially comfortable, but not happy, imo. So, could be truth to it. My friend is happy where she is right now. I think she'll come out after her Mom passes away, and when her own child is grown. I wish she would, because I think she'd be happier. My coming out is a threat, because it makes her question her own choices, I am sure. We've been friends for 20 years. She'll come around. ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2015 at 12:08 PM ---------- Well, now that you mention it... :lol: Sad, and true.
