I'm 49, I'm a lesbian that came out late. I started coming out to myself at around 45. In the summer of 2014 I came out to my then husband and ended my extremely unhealthy marriage. I am very out online, but my offline social network is small, and not many people know, as it just doesn't come up. I still am not out to my parents. I thought I would leave it that way, but I have recently decided that I need to be all of the way out to be truly happy. I have two great kids 10 and 8. I am going back to college to make a better life for the three of us. I grew up repressing my feeling towards women, and as I got older it was harder to repress, but I still had a hard time understanding. I thought gender was my issue, as I was so masculine and I never saw myself fitting in with women. Once I finally came out to myself, my first thought was, I always thought that of all people I should have known. The fact that I didn't know 100% when I was young, is what made me think for years that I must not be. That and though I knew deep inside how I longed to be with a woman, it was rare for a lesbian woman to approach me (especially sober), even if we were friends, so I figured they must know something I didn't know too. I was frequently assumed to be gay by others, but like I said, I thought if anyone knew I was gay, it should be me. Anyhow, I have never been happier, but I am feeling the need to be more out, off line, and I think that that includes being honest that I am newly out, as I know that deep down, I am afraid of being judged and rejected by other gay women for being a newb. I have made silly lesbian friends online that just want to crack gay jokes all of the time, but I long to connect with other strong women who really know who they are, and happen to be lesbians as well. and for most of my life I had many gay friends and was a big advocate for gay rights.
Again I come back to Meetups. Large Lesbian meetups in Chicagoland where you can start to grow your network. www.meetup.com Congrats to you and all the best.
It's funny that you say 49 going on 25....that attracted my attention. But stop! You are NOT 49 going on 25. You are a woman with a wealth of life experience. By saying that, you are making light of that life experience. It's that experience that led you to your true self. There are many reasons-real legitimate reasons- why people have trouble realizing their true selves until later in life. I've come to realize after being on EC and from my own experience that there are real reasons why those of us who come out in midlife did not experience that level of self-actualization until this point in our lives-and that's OK. Whether it be childhood abuse, religious fundamentalism on part of our parents or even ourselves, other a combination of other reasons, the reasons are real and our lives and experiences are real. Anyway, don't shut yourself in because there's no reason to anymore! It's so much easier to be out and about socially for me when I'm not repressing everything!
Thank you, what you said really touched me. <3 Partially, I feel like I am going on 25 in the sense, that I feel like my life is just getting started, and I mean that in a good way, when I see so many people of a similar age, resigned to getting old, and that they feel that they have already lived their lives, but what you said is true as well. Though I lived a thick rich life, full of adventures and experience, and I acknowledge that, it was as recently as last night that I caught myself again, wishing that I had come out in the early years and experienced my while life as out. I am quick to catch myself when I think that way, as I knew it is ridiculous to dwell on things I can not change, and so many good things came of the fact that I didn't, such as my children. Your words help me so much further still, by helping me see that I am robbing my past of it's legitimacy, and that doesn't make for the strongest me. I had the darkest ten years of my life right before I came out, and I am quick to skip over that time period now that it's over, but that time period in the end, is what lead me to my freedom. ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2015 at 04:47 AM ---------- Also I requested a user name change last night. I assume if it is approved, then my name will change on these old posts as well, but if not, then in the future you'll see me posting as Sue Baloo in other posts, assuming that I am allowed to change it. :smilewave
More like... 20 with 29 years experience In looking at seniors there are old folks that killed their inner 20 year old long ago and then there are those seniors, which all admire, that natured their inner 20 year old. If you can nuture that openness coming out is easy.
Many of us who have come out at midlife identify with Sue's sentiments, namely, that we are starting a second chapter of our lives after the second adolescence of coming out. Because of this, we feel like we are back in our 20s with the optimism and zeal for life we all had when first starting out. This does not discount our life experiences, but rather, affirms that we have a second chance to relive our lives as our true gay selves.
I totally agree with that. That is how it feels. To be able to experience things new. ---------- Post added 4th Aug 2015 at 02:37 AM ---------- I always said that in a lot of ways 19 year old me was far smarter than present me...truth well said.
I loved your topic title! It really got me...I am 49 and just coming out and feel like I am going through adolescence again, with the emotional roller coaster and the whole bit. It helps so much to read other's stories. I don't know where to go from here...I don't have your Chicago meetup groups, but hey, life is an adventure. I suppose I will work it out!
I think being 49 (I'm 38) and being able to enjoy life like a 25 year old - but with the 20 odd years of experience to appreciate it this time around - sounds like the best thing ever! I saw a meme that said something to the effect of "I'm 30 but I feel like I'm still 20...Until I hang out with 20 year olds" - that reminds me of your situation. You get to enjoy life now, how lucky that you figured it out!
Hi, Sue. I can echo the words of the others who have posted great responses. I'm 47 and just started the process of coming out in the past year. I'm out to myself, my husband, my ex-gf, and a close friend. I'm also starting the negotiations with my husband for a divorce. I've always seen my sexuality as fluid; I had a girlfriend in my late-teens/early 20s, then fell in love with the man I've been married to for almost 25 years. Truth is it hasn't been good for awhile and I fell in love with a much younger woman a year ago this past spring. Needless to say (isn't it?), that I've been experiencing the rollercoaster of emotions, too. Falling in love, the awakening of a libido that feels like it belongs to an 18-year-old boy, the grieving of my marriage and those years of my youth, the loss of the woman who was the catalyst for all of this. The list goes on. I love the idea of being 20 with, in my case, 27 years of life experience. That's exactly what it feels like. In some ways I feel like I'm back where I was all of those years ago, but I certainly see life through eyes that have taken in a lot of information in the past 2+ decades. I live in a small town, so I also wish I had the opportunities that Chicago and Meetup provide to get a larger social network. I think that will happen in time as I come out to some of my lesbian friends here. I'm just taking small steps as I gain more confidence and find more stable footing in the rest of my life. Sounds like you are definitely figuring it all it out. Thanks for posting your story. And thanks to everyone else for replying. It's good to be here.
