No more sparks?

((hugs)) I have always heard that when the right one comes along, that that stuff has a way of correcting itself. Before I fell for my last girlfriend, I thought I had lost my sex drive was long lost, but within the snap of a finger, I was like a 15 year old boy I know this just scratches the surface of what you are going through, and I am sorry for your great loss. I truly hope that this periods starts to pass for you sooner than later.

 

It happened the minute I accepted my feelings for her. There was nothing gradual at all. It was great to feel normal again. I remember how broken I felt before that. She turned out to not be the right one, but she got me out of the closet once and for all. I don't have many opportunities to meet like minded people in person either, especially that are somewhat close to my own age, but I just always remind myself, that everything can change in a split second. There is no way of know when it will come, but it will. There is no such thing as too late. I'm 49 and have lived a wild and crazy life, but I really feel like my life has finally just begun.

 

Erections can be effected by emotional upsst.

You need to work with somebody.

 

Skiff brings up an important point. I have heard it can be very hard to find good therapy in the UK. I obviously haven't had to deal with erectile problems, but therapy has helped me greatly in the last year especially. There is no shame in taking care of yourself.

 

I have a buddy in England who is a gay male, and he has had to do a lot of therapy work, and he has had the worst time with the therapists they assign him, so I can feel for you.

How is your body image of yourself? Maybe it is time for some pampering and self love, to help nurture you as you heal. It sounded like you are being rather hard on yourself about all of this, so this is something that could really make a difference.

 

I think you need to work through your grief before you do anything else. I personally think pills and dates and everything else are just a distraction, until you reach the core of what is bothering you and let it out. No running from it. It doesn't sound like you're in a good place to date right now, and that's what other people are sensing and so that's why they're leaving, and it makes you feel even more rejected. But for the moment, you don't have anything to give them. You need to focus on putting YOU back together, so you are a whole person again, before you add anyone else to the mix.

As they say, there is no going around grief, you need to walk straight THROUGH it.

That's a hard and painful process, and a gay-friendly therapist could certainly help you. There are a lot of books and websites on grief though, if you can't find a good therapist to talk you through it.

Personally, I have been through a great deal of extreme grief in my life. I felt no self-worth. I was suicidal. I ended up checking myself into a hospital for suicidality, because I didn't want to do it, but I could find no other way to survive. Another patient while I was there gave me a book on Buddhism and grief, and while nothing in the hospital helped me at all, that book actually gave me a lot of comfort. I was familiar with Buddhist principles before, and they always spoke to me pretty well, although I'm not Buddhist. For me it made sense, that the pain I felt was from expectations that life should have been any different, that I had a sense almost of entitlement to life being a certain way and when it wasn't, I felt cheated, and depressed. I blamed myself a lot for it "going wrong." But really, perhaps the problem was that I had this mistaken notion that it should have been any other way but the way it happened.

As the book noted, the only thing actually certain in life is change. So these ideas opened up two things for me: 1. maybe there was nothing actually wrong with my life, or with me, and maybe I could learn to go with the flow rather than resisting, because as I have read in multiple places, those who fight change are the ones who have the hardest time in life - we need to be adaptable, resilient, open to new things. And 2. perhaps all of this was SUPPOSED to happen this way, to open me up for a greater experience, a greater purpose, a greater love, a greater wisdom, that I never could have known without it.

Your lost love would not want you to be like this, would he? He would want you to live, to rejoice, to be happy and live fully in the life you are so blessed to have at this moment. He does not have the choice of enjoying it right now. But YOU were left to be able to LIVE. You can live for HIM, in honor of him and his memory, at least up until the point where you learn to live for yourself.

Consider the happy possibility that maybe you are going through all of this and because of it will be a better person, and will appreciate a deeper love than you ever could have been ready for when you were younger. Or maybe there is even greater work for you to do, that is not about a romance specifically but about making the world a better place. Maybe all these past years, though terribly sad, are the greatest thing that ever happened to you because they made you ready for this amazing life, or higher calling. Maybe you can try to let go of the expectation that things should have been different, and work on accepting what IS. Maybe it was meant to be that way. Just like everything else in the world, it is also meant to change. So perhaps learning to be a little less reliant on the externals of life, the things you can't control (including other people and what happens to them or doesn't happen), but just relying on you and the love and joy you have inside of you as a breathing human being, might make you feel a little more in control, and a little more at peace. I think it's a hard thing to do to totally divorce yourself of the need for a stable life and relationships, but I personally found the striving for it alone to be helpful enough that it made me feel healthy - I never really need to get all the way to a truly ascetic life, just the striving for that thought is plenty.

I don't know if this will help you, since we are all different, and find our different paths. But reading up on ideas like this helped me cope a lot, to get me out of the worst of it. And from there, I took my second (ok, maybe hundredth) chance, and rebuilt my life. And eventually, I wanted to live for ME, to accomplish things for ME, and the whole relationship thing will come after, when I have what I want out of myself and others see me in a great place. Taking care of me has to come before seeking a relationship, otherwise the relationship becomes a total mess and a new source of pain in your life. You don't attract great people when you are a mess inside, believe me!

Sometimes, psychotropic drugs save people's lives. But if you can get by without them so you can work through this grief clear-headed, that is probably a faster and more complete way to get through it. Again, let go of the expectations. There is no "I SHOULD be over this by now," "My grief SHOULD be faster," "I SHOULD NOT be feeling this." Just take it as it comes and let it take as long as it takes. Keep working at it until you have a breakthrough.

Seeing a trauma therapist can be a great help, if you see that you are experiencing signs of PTSD. Someone who can take you through EMDR, tapping, or other techniques designed to help a person process trauma can get you off that broken record you're stuck on of being stuck in the middle of grief but never moving past it.

I would let the sex and the dating go for now, because the problems you're having in those areas are likely side effects of your emotional problems, and when you work through those first, the other stuff will probably right itself without any pills or any other help needed.

I wish you healing.

 

LOL, I think that I was thinking Manchester.

 

I became a widow at a very young age and never thought that I would have lived to see another day. Here I am a few years later and I'm living my truth! It was not easy! I saw a therapist for a couple of years and allowed myself to go through the grieving process. You will get past this, one day at a time, no one minute at a time! Focus on being the healthiest that you can be, remain active and you will heal. I still have good and bad days but as time goes on the bad days are few and far between. You're not alone! (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

I can't add anything to the kind words of advice and very good wisdom of the above posters, but wanted to say I was sorry for your loss. I think if anything you may not be done grieving, as another poster said. I hope things get better for you!