I am 31 and am finally acknowledging being gay. I haven't dated and I'm still very disrespectful to myself and I need some advice. The people I've come out to deflected, and I don't have many friends, so I was curious as to what would be the best course of action. I'm not unattractive, but I am very much 31. Would a gay bar be too youthful? Is there another option? Is there any way to accept being feminine (I try to cover it but I'm pretty sure everyone already knows just by how I act). Please be gentle, I am extremely sensitive about this. Thank you.
They said something to the effect of how do you know you are straight if you haven't given it a good enough try. Or "maybe you were molested."
I don't have any idea of the age range of a typical gay bar. I know I checked the facebook page of a gay/lesbian bar within driving distance of me, and I ran away in fright...it just was NOT for me. I was glad I checked the facebook page, so that gave me an idea before I walked in there and felt like the "Lesbian Nun". I just don't party like that, and I am not a prude, but really!!! There just are some things that I feel are better in a private setting!!! I saw on this thread that someone had a good experience with a meetup group, are there any of those in your area? Best of luck!
Welcome to EC Leopold :welcome: Congratulations on coming out to yourself as gay - that's a huge step! I'm wondering if you are still playing scripts in your head that it's not OK to be gay or feminine? It's normal if you are since most of us on EC have had challenges with accepting ourselves. Are you able to look in the mirror and say to yourself with conviction that you are gay and proud? If not, what is holding you back (for example religious upbringing, desire to be "normal", etc.)? It sounds like your friends are not very knowledgeable about what gay means. It's your job to educate them by saying that you were born gay and that it has taken you many years to accept yourself as gay. You haven't had a lot of hetero relationships because you aren't attracted to women. If your friends cannot accept you as gay, you may want to consider ending the friendship. It's not clear from your posting if that's the case or not. You may also want to meet new, more accepting gay friends. Are there meetups or other support groups in your area? That's a great way to meet other gays as friends. Some people on EC think that gay bars are a great way of meeting people and some don't. Each gay bar in a particular city has its own vibe. So the best way to determine if a particular gay bar is a good way of meeting people is for you is to go the gay bar and check it out. If you meet people who are like you, then maybe that's a great way for you to meet other gays. Best of luck - we're here for you (&&&)
Thank you so much for the response, Sienna. I don't have any gay friends to be honest. I know it is sad but I'm having trouble acknowledging it. It took me a long time to realize I was looking at females out of envy rather than attraction. I'm really scared because my type is a strong man but I was the victim of repeated domestic abuse by a stepfather of the same build. I figured a message board was a good place to start.
I do not think you are too old for clubs… but it is not always the best place to establish connections with people. What you will find very rewarding is developing a social network of gay friends as "like minded' people. This does not need to be with any sexual connotations. Just people you like spending time with. I guess the way to do this is to focus on widening your social circles generally. But with a bias towards LGBT groups (e.g.: Meet-up groups) or other social or activity groups. You will find it rewarding and full of people in your own age range.
How about 51 and Out Late. Gay Bars are a very interesting place. They are like every other bar. Some good people then some well. Try everything to meet people. I've just come to the conclusion that it took me 51 years to Come Out. A relationship won't happen over night.
Hi Leopold, I can't really say I'm an expert by any stretch, however, I think it really depends on what you're looking for. Dating (regardless of orientation etc) I think gets more and more daunting the older we get. So it leaves us with online dating sites, bars, maybe local organizations like hiking clubs, or squash or movie-lovers clubs or whatnot.. I'd have to say that whatever you decide to try for dating, being comfortable and being genuine are probably your best bet in finding someone else who is likeminded. I don't know your friends, however, I think just standing your ground, letting them take the time to realize this is legit and being calm and matter-of-fact about your coming out, they *should* just kind of roll with it, being your friends. I hate to say that those who don't come around were never your friends to begin with, too cliché, however, it will help you to realize where your friends stand and what depth of friendship you can expect to have with each of them. Coming to terms and being ok with your friendships potentially shifting around a bit.. that's what you have to be open to accepting and working with. Please keep us posted on how things go for you and what you decide to try out!
I am 57 years old so you worrying about bars being too youthful is almost funny to me. I have seen old friends in the bars still. So do not worry about how old you are or are not in a bar. As far as how your "friends" reacted well if you lose them as friends then they never were one in the first place. Just be yourself to hell with what anyone else thinks. IT is your life not theirs.
Hey Leopold, Congrats on starting you coming out journey man! I'm in a similar boat: 29, Gay Male, and just started coming out to people. Have only had relationships with women and it is like starting all over again. As for the gay bar thing, I think it depends on where you live. I live in a College Town and have really only been to one gay bar (this was before I was Out at all), but there seem to be people of all ages there...So I would assume a non-college town would have an even more eclectic age range. It would be better if you could connect with other gay people. That is something that helped me. I didn't ever really know anyone that was (openly) gay, but as soon as I started forming friendships with other gay people, it helped me be okay with myself (it just took a while!). Some people do the online thing (which I haven't tried)... there are also support groups, meetings, events, etc...where you are more likely to run into the LGBTQ Community. I would say seek those out...normalize it for yourself. Find some new friends... Hope this helps.
Hi Leopold Many of us on EC had/have trouble accepting that we are gay, so you shouldn't feel sad that you are having trouble acknowledging it. There are strong family, church, and societal pressures to be "normal", and it takes a lot of personal courage and love to overcome these pressures and come out as gay. You should feel proud of yourself for starting your journey towards authenticity; each of us has their own pace. With regards to your stepfather, I'm sorry to hear that he treated you poorly. Nobody deserves to be abused. You probably want to find a good therapist to help you work through the issue of domestic abuse by your stepfather, especially since a strong man is your type.
