Take my time to figure it out? But how...

(*hug*)

 

Hi TeaTree. I read some of your previous posts and I recognize myself in your story.

"How" is a good question. One thing I've discovered for myself, is that I can't rush the process by pure will. Recently I began to acknowledge my attraction to women... and even enjoy it. At one point, I sort of gave in... and waves came crashing in. Emotions, dreams, physical sensations: looking in the mirror asking, "Who is this?" And suddenly I had made it tangible by telling my boyfriend "I think I might be a lesbian".

Inside myself I've discovered doubt, fear, homophobia, resistance. I don't like what I just wrote above. I don't like that I'm in a confused situation with my best friend (my boyfriend), feeling selfish, not knowing what to do at all. I've discovered that the desires, dreams, feelings and sensations inside of me have a life of their own and if I look closely, they begin to tell me new things. I'm trying not to think too much. Because my rational mind is often trying to make sense of the "sense-less": emotions and sensations.

As soon as I start to try labels on I get more confused. This process is huge and complex. It's like so many buttons are being pushed... like a domino effect within the self... In my experience the rational mind wants to make sense of it very quickly and decide "What is this, do we call it A or B, what to do next, who needs to be told and what to cook for dinner?"

Give yourself time

Oh, I guess that's not much advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I guess my advice is to tell him only what you're ready to tell him. Don't feel like you have to say everything at once. Also try to sense if he'll be able to handle what you need to say. Sometimes it's more compassionate to wait a little, because he'll need time and space to deal with this, too.

The fact that you don't want to have sex is very real. See what it feels like for you not to be having sex with him. It should be an indication of what you would like to do with the relationship. Wishing you all the best.

 

In creating this thread you have given yourself a space where you can express how you really feel inside. When you don't have an outlet for it, it becomes all the more difficult to cope because your headspace is so crowded with all of the mixed emotions. Maybe a blog would be useful in giving you a safe space to record your thoughts as/when they arise; you may begin to see things more clearly.

In many respects, it sounds like you have checked out of the relationship with your boyfriend and maybe he has too, but when you have been with someone for 7 years and you have built your life around them anything else seems daunting and scary. Maybe you need to address these fears too? The time factor isn't just about making sense of your feelings, it's also about acting upon them in the best way you can and that's a big challenge in itself. There are people here who have been through it though, so you are in good company.

 

A 7 hour car ride? Yikes! I think if you stayed separately, you could 100% believably say you'd had an argument.

 

Wow. I've been going through this too. At first I was happy to realize that everything made sense, and that emotion initially gave me peace but then, being able to be brutally honest with myself seems to have unleashed a torrent of emotions related to the past, including past relationships and friendships....I still feel a great deal of peace while also experiencing these emotions, if that makes any sense at all. I'm at peace with who I am now, finally, but I'm angry at myself at the same time---not me, now, but angry at myself for the past, if that makes any sense. At first I was telling people on here not to be angry with themselves for the past, or to judge themselves for the past, but now, I find myself doing it, too. I pulled the car over and cried today over it.

I'm saying this because I guess this is what is meant by taking your time. This is a highly emotional experience and you don't want your actions on any one day to be overpowered by your emotions. You want to be comfortable with yourself and what you're doing, even if what you're going to do is ultimately uncomfortable. Give yourself time to work through it.

 

I can totally relate to that.
The last decade it was just me and my best friend aka my ex-bf. Except him I cannot say I have other friends, at least not close friends that I can meet in person easily and hang out with. I don't know how it happened but it just did.
We also had our own "vocabulary" and sometimes didn't even need to speak to know what the other is thinking. He was really caring, so fun to travel with and fun to talk to, etc... he was such a great friend but the problem was no matter how much I tried I couldn't see him as a boyfriend anymore and lost desire for intimacy with him; I just didn't feel it.

I was so scared to hurt him or lose him as my best friend though that I tried really really hard so we could keep staying together. I remember my doc told me once that it'll end badly once if I keep pushing myself and let my boyfriend touch me and sleep with me. He was so right. In the end I reached a point when losing him completely felt easier than to stay with him. I hated myself for not speaking out and standing up for myself, I even started to hate him a little so I broke up with him.
I wish he was still around as my friend but it's not possible right now because he's hurting and I need to give him time to recover. I wish it was easier. (*hug*)

 

Hi TeaTree, glad to hear you got something from my post. If you want to read more about me you can click on my name/profile and look at my previous posts. I've only written a few, but man they are long

Don't worry too much about "what to do" and "how to do it". Things are already in motion. Life will continue, ever changing, and we can't stop it. I like to remember this expression: "Trust the soup". The quantum soup, that is. Everything will happen in it's own time, at a natural pace. Personally I had a break from this forum for a few months. Now I'm here again. This process is always with me no matter what I do during the day.

It's as though my mind is divided into a top layer and a bottom layer. The top layer is the shallow, logical mind that can't quite grasp what is happening in the depths below. For example - if I see a beautiful woman, I might feel a deep sense of longing, and a tingling sensation, and I'm sort of carried away on a soft dream when suddenly the shallow mind says: "But you're a woman!" ...which has nothing to do with what I'm feeling, but I'm tempted to listen... and if I start watching myself, I grow confused and tired. This reminds me of advice you'd give to someone walking a tightrope: "Don't look down".

Paris and TeaTree, it's so good to read your posts because I'm in exactly this situation too. Are we living the same life? hehe. My boyfriend and I also have created our own little world, with our lingo and sense of humour, with no other close friends really.

Also Paris, congrats on your progress! Hope you are doing well!

Back in my early twenties I used to think: "I'd like to kiss my friends. Why do we live in such an uptight world that I can't do that?" I've never really had male friends, I connect easily to women. And I never explored that thought further.

Instead I ended up in two straight long-term relationships. Mainly because the men pursued me, I think. They made me feel like I could open up, be vulnerable, and let them comfort me. I needed something from them very badly. I'm starting to see that now.

 

Teatree, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is as painful as all hell. I relate so much to your story, and to Sorrel's story.
I am also at a point of exhuastion in my relationship. I love my husband - I do. He can be difficult at times, and we've had some problems recently - but all in all, I love him. I chose to marry him, after all.
But... I have this big secret from him now. Something he knew was a bit of a question for me - but he doesn't know how much it has taken hold in recent months - how much I know my attraction to women to be true.
I am so afraid of telling him what I am going through. Afraid we will start the beginning of a long break up, afraid of losing him as my friend. We have a business together, and a half-finished project that means the absolute world to me. I don't want to risk losing that either - yet I don't want to lie and manipulate our relationship in order to keep it.

It seems like there is no way out right now - either I bury my head in the sand, or I destroy my life and his. From what I hear, this process takes a long time. I've only been in the thick of it for about a month. Right now, I just feel like I want to push it down, push it aside - it's all just way too painful to consider the alternative.

I hope you find your path through this.

 

High Art - what's the big secret? Attraction? Or something more? What are you thinking about doing?

 

I remember the cold war stage with my soon to be ex husband. It lasted for I don't remember how long, but it made things extremely stressful. For me, it ended up helping to give me the courage to tell him I was gay, once I was sure. After a while, when I had admitted my true sexuality to myself, the fear of him wanting/trying to have sex with me was unbearable to the point that I couldn't even sleep.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this TeaTree - it is so hard, as I think everyone on here can attest!

I wouldn't listen too much to your dreams, they can have all sorts of layered meanings, like maybe part of you thinks you should be kissing men and therefore didn't feel anything when you kissed a woman in your dream. Or something...dreams are weird.

It does sound like your relationship isn't going so well right now, have you thought about couples counseling? IMHO, once the sex is gone from a relationship, the rest of the relationship will start to fail as well...maybe it would be better to get out while you still have a friendship intact? Sorry if this is too harsh, of course it is easy for me to say, but I hope it helps to hear an opinion anyway?

Best of luck...

 

bi2me - The big secret is that I am - without a doubt - attracted to women. And since I have realized this, I am barely, if at all, attracted to men. I also had the briefest of flings with another woman (which I can't tell him because it would out her - and also cause a rather big amount of drama considering we were all working together on a creative project). The fling was the catalyst for me - my big "aha!" moment.

He knows I am/was curious in general, and possibly bisexual - but I'd always insisted that when it came right down to it, I wasn't actually physically/sexually attracted to women. (this was a half lie - half me being in mega mega denial.)

 

I think when it comes down to it, if he knew there was a possibility of you being bisexual, it probably won't come as nearly the shock you think it will. You can go back and read my early and very crazed posts from last year. My husband knew that my friend and I were intimate in high school (at the same time I was dating him, although before we were officially exclusive). I told him I might be bi.

Fast forward nearly 20 years of acting straight, and I spend time with her again, and it all hits me out of no where. I'd been identifying as straight. Forgot all that "bi-curious" crap from high school. I was TOTALLY.FREAKING.OUT!! He took it pretty much in stride. He said, "I know. You've always been bi." That was nearly as shocking as finding out I really was bi and it wasn't a passing thing from adolescence.

You have to figure out the best way to tell him, but if you want to stay with him, he needs to know. You can't just keep it from him and hope it goes away again. If you don't want to stay with him, you probably still will want to tell him so he knows why do want to/need to leave the relationship. It's up to you whether to disclose the fling. Some people insist they'd want to know, others would rather not know. Only you can know him and you and your relationship and if it would help or hurt.

I'm at the point where in my relationship, we are monogamous, but I'd be open to the possibility of polyamory if we both thought it could work. I think there are too many marriages/relationships that fail simply because someone is interested in sex with someone else. If everything else in a relationship is really good, but you want more or different sex, is it worth leaving? Or splitting up a family? I'm not in favor of cheating, but if both (all) people know and consent, isn't that better than a million broken up families?