Following your heart or mind?

@pinklov3ly: I saw your wall message but can't respond to it because you have no wall on your profile?

Anyway have you spoken to your partner about being bisexual? what does he think? I find that most straight people are reluctant to the idea, for this reason I prefer to date other bisexuals and plan on doing so when I get back in the game

 

It sounds like you have misgivings in general about the relationship period or you would not be sabotaging the relationship. I find that in general if i have doubts about being with someone it is usually a good idea to leave them.

As far as how he would react well to be honest, and yes I am a lesbian, 90% would think wow that is great so lets get another chick and have fun. Straight men in general find it a turn on. I do not know how many times i have tried to get it through some guys head that no i am not going to have fun with him and his girl friend and no I am not going to let him watch. I look them straight in the eye look buddy if anything i would try to take her away from you. You are competition.

 

I may be wrong but I've been a member of this forum for some time and read some your posts and it seems that you have a preference to women. At least I got the impression that every time you're in a relationship with a guy you desire to be with a woman a lot and I remember myself asking why isn't she with a woman instead then? I'm not bi myself so I can't imagine how it feels though. I mean to be attracted to both genders but date a person of just one particular gender.

 

Well, first off. Let me just say that settling down with him when you have these kinds of misgivings is a bad idea. Don't follow the path of so many who get married and then realise later they should have been more open with themselves about their feelings. You're already ahead of the curve here. You know you like ladies.

It would be unfair to him to commit in a legal way when you're having such an internal conflict about the relationship as well. And as far as figuring it out goes, that's exactly what you're doing by asking these questions.

So, if any of that sounded harsh, it comes from coming out the other side of the process of being married to a man and then finally admitting to myself that I actually want to be with women. I'd be happy to answer anything you want to ask if you want to message me about it.

FoxSong

 

I think over all, my attraction towards women is probably more than towards men. I shut the feelings towards women (and men I suppose) down when I committed to my husband back in college (after we'd been dating for a while), and they came back up recently.

Here's my takeaway - I found the best partner for me. He happened to be male. There are certainly a few things I don't feel like I can get from him, but there are also things I don't feel like I could get from an equally compatible woman. Men and women, and NBs are all different. There are different energies, body parts, ways of communicating, which are generalities and stereotypes, but none the less, they do follow a pattern.

I've determined that I cannot be 100% satisfied in all ways by any one person. I know that might sound like I just haven't found the right person, but it's not. No one person can meet the desires I have of feminine and masculine sometimes in the same ways/places at the same time. It isn't possible. Realizing this freed me to recommit to my marriage in a stronger way. I can't get everything I want from one person. That may sound depressing, but it's ok. I'm accepting that and taking the 95% he can give me. It's really been liberating.

At this point, we aren't in an open relationship, and my choice was to take the nearly perfect relationship we have and miss little things like boobs (ok, maybe not so little depending on the person ), or I can leave my family and start at 0% and hope I might meet someone who gets there or close. Even in the best case scenario and I meet another person I'm in love with and compatible with, I'm still going to have something I'm missing.

I don't know if that was helpful or depressing, but that's my truth. (*hug*)

 

If your orientation is truly Kinsey *5*, then I'm surprised that you are considering a LTR with a man. Based on your stated orientation, I would expect that you would be genuinely happier in a LTR with a woman.

Each of us is on a journey of discovery on their own timeline, so please don't fret about not having it all figured out.

FWIW, there is a DMZ between Kinsey *5* and Kinsey *6*. I used to identify as the equivalent of Kinsey *5* before I crossed the DMZ. I'm wondering if this thought resonates with you ...

 

Speaking as someone who married a man early and had kids - don't keep your confusion about this a secret from your boyfriend! I wish I could have known this then - because it will just build up and explode and then you are left with a much bigger mess. I mean, you know. Theoretically. You are 29 - I remember the pressure at that age to settle down and have kids, and if that is what YOU want, then go for it - but not without your partner knowing your true feelings. If he is the right man for you, he will be OK with being the exception to your general rule. And maybe you can discuss having some kind of openness in the relationship so that you can explore that other side of your sexuality? Good luck.

Oh and those people that are older and have it figured out? They don't. Promise.

 

Siena, I've taken the Kinsey test a few times. I'm almost always a 4 (currently married to a woman) but have scored a 5. On the Klein I score 9.5 or 10 which is the mean sexual orientation score (13=100% gay). I do the test where you try to honestly choose the best looking person and score very high for gay. Does this make sense? Sorry for the sidebar follks.

 

According to the Kinsey Institute's web site, there is no official Kinsey test. Rather, the scale is a method of self-evaluation based on your individual experience, and the rating you choose may change over time. Scoring was originally done by 2 researchers who reviewed a person's file.

Being married to a woman complicates scoring as there is a history of heterosexual relations and there's no clear guidance regarding the window of time to be used for evaluation. Thus I pick my Kinsey score based on what feels closest to the truth for me since coming out, namely, 5 heading towards 6.

---------- Post added 11th Aug 2015 at 12:18 PM ----------

I'm glad that your boyfriend has agreed to the idea of having an open relationship so that you can start dating women again. You don't want to get married if you are really waiting for the right woman for the reasons that other posters mentioned.

 

I think it depends on you're reason for questioning the relationship. Is it because you feel like you're less attracted to him than you would be to a woman? Or are you as attracted to him as you would be with a woman, but you just feel weird ending up with a man given that you're primarily attracted to women?

If it's the former, then it sounds like you need to be honest with yourself and your partner about the fact that you'd be better off with a woman. If it's the latter, then I think an open relationship could be a good compromise.

 

Honesty is really hard - and I personally started my current relationship with my now-husband with some secrets up my sleeve. I was afraid to scare him away if I opened up about my sexuality - and at the time I didn't even realize how strong my preference to women was - it was just a nagging kind of regret. I rationalized by saying to myself that "he doesn't want to know about everything" and "it's selfish to be honest just to make myself feel better".
I agree though - the mind and the heart are in constant conflict, and it's so hard to differentiate sometimes what is what. Our minds and our conditioning are powerful tools.

 

This is true, and maybe more true for bisexuals than monosexuals, but anytime you choose monogamy, you are going to miss out on other possibilities. I feel the same way.