Just curious how many have much experience with these feelings. I've had them for as long as I can remember, but only recently learned the name for it. I have a very long and sordid history of depression and such and have received damn near every diagnosis possible over the years with the exception of this. Of course, I guess at the time I worried I would sound TOO crazy perhaps. I feel as tho I go thru so much of my life just completely numb because any time I think about anything, my mind spirals off in a million different directions. Every problem seems to breed a dozen more or I can just see endless hurdles in getting there. Having had 4 short term hospitalizations as a teen, one long term (21 months) and several pill overdoses and scars up and down my arms from cutting, I feel like one day things just kinda snapped and then I just seemed to stop caring as much. Preservation of sanity I suppose. Now I feel like its become so engrained, that I am just unable to deal with pretty much anything. Like, I have no friends and tho I know I should have some (as I figure normal people do), I feel I'm crippled by severe anxiety, low self esteem and I feel like anytime someone does talk to me, I'm just wondering WHY and when will they leave me alone. I work constantly to provide for my kids, and don't have insurance, I have to make money to support them, but then need to get insurance to get help, but then its like to do that is taking money out of the house and hinderingy ability to provide as well..........I know its quite the rant, its just a small glimpse of the circle logic that I feel just buried under. Just kinda curious if others have experienced this as much, to what extent, and how they have coped. Thank you for any input.
Stop getting self worth from society and give it to yourself. You think therefore deserve self respect.
I don't have experience with depersonalization. It sounds like you would benefit from professional help to deal with your depersonalization, anxiety, and low self esteem. You need to break the circular logic pattern. Let's crush it with a simple thought: You are worthy as a person. Go to the mirror and repeat "I am worthy" until you believe it. As a worthy person, you also know that you are more than a cash machine for your family, that your needs for getting help are as valid as the needs of others in your household. I think it should be OK to invest money in you to get the insurance so that you can get help. You have acknowledged that not getting help is hindering your ability to provide, so you're doing this for your kids as well as yourself.
Right now, just recently having ended my ltr with my children's mother, I have had to start working 7 days a week, almost 70 hours, just to barely pay bills. School shopping is fast approaching and feel completely overwhelmed by everything. My ex wants to reconcile and gets very hostile over my not wanting to work things out. And the oldest child, her niece we have raised since 6 months old (now 15) gets used as leverage against me. She speaks of taking my kids out of state and I worry every time she gets in her moods that she will deny me time with the oldest girl because she is not biologically mine and I have no rights legally
Sounds like you are in a tough position. How are you handling custody with your ex? I'm not familiar with the legal aspects of custody given that you and your ex weren't married. Assuming you live in the US, isn't health insurance mandatory?
You pay a fine when you file your taxes if you don't have insurance. And I want to seek custody of my 2 biological children, but I already see things becoming very nasty and bitter. I really worry that since the oldest is not mine and I have no rights, that she will deny me time with her simply out of spite. The way my ex is, she won't be able to see that she is only denying the child of the only father she has known all her life. I just feel like no matter what I do there is gonna be all this collateral damage and I just don't want my kids ruined by it all. They accept my sexuality and are fine with it, but thru the ex's eyes, she thinks it is a product of me brainwashing them and turning them against her.
Often as gay men we put the needs of others ahead of our own for various reasons, including conditioning from our early upbringing or guilt from breaking up the family. Why do you have to work 70 hours? Are you providing child support? Are the kids living with you and are you supporting them? Does the ex provide any child support? You don't have to share your answers in this public forum, but I hope you see where I'm going with this. You don't need to be superman because of your early upbringing or out of a sense of guilt that you wrecked the family. I'm not sure I have much more to add here beyond what I said originally, that you need to value yourself and consider your needs. It seems as if your situation is pretty constrained, and I don't know enough about the constraints to suggest possible ways to work around them other than to make sure that your ex is contributing her fair share and you have a close look at your expenses to see if there's any way to shave them. Best of luck to you!
I work those hours so that I can take care of all the expenses by myself. We still have to work out custody details and hoping that can be done somewhat peacefully. She is very back and forth still about all of this. Sometimes she wants to be friends and other times she says how she hates my guts. And I don't feel too much like I'm trying to overcompensate or anything, I actually feel proud when I can work, come home and cook, and still keep the house looking nice. It keeps me confident that somehow I will still be fine on my own. Every now and then, I break down but given my anxieties and the situation itself, I know that's def to be expected.
The back and forth is typical when the husband comes out as gay and the marriage ends in divorce, so I would expect something similar in your case where you were in a LTR. It has been my experience that the back and forth drains my energy, so be sure to find time to recharge. Despite your modesty, it seems to me that you are definitely taking on a lot of family responsibility to the point of being a saint, so given your history of anxiety, I can appreciate that you may feel overwhelmed or break down every now and then. I hope you find the courage to take care of yourself, both in terms of getting help and allowing yourself time to date.
Jumping into an old thread, not sure if anyone will read this but it's cathartic for me. angeluscrzy you are not alone in your thinking. I hope you are feeling better by this time (4 months later). I don't know if it's an aspect of putting myself in the closet for so long, but I often feel disconnected from others and like I'm acting out my life. Only once in a great while will I meet someone I feel I want to have a friendship with. I'm either really snobby, really picky, or really specific in my requirements for friendship.
