Hi everyone. 6 years ago I started the process of coming out to myself. It's still going on. I've gone through various labels, like lesbian,demisexual lesbiflexible, maybe biromantic?, I'm very confused and would like to talk to someone who relates in any way. I feel isolated in my struggle right now because I don't know anyone personally that's going through similar things that I can talk to. I'll start with a little background story. But basically this is; depression, anxiety, socially awkward, feeling too different (also in LGBT community), too emotional, anxious in LGBT community, fear of alone forever, confident in who I am and the next day full of questioning, don't feel as "trained" in socializing, know nothing about what it means to be in a relationship, etc I was a bit of a loner in school, had acquaintances and lost them to a group that seemed to be better than me, over and over. I cried easily so they used that to their advantage, to make fun of me. My convulsive crying seemed to be entertainment. At 12 there's a new girl in the class and we bond over a band we both liked. She stayed with me for a few years. When she started being equally or more with other girls, I started feeling something. Maybe worried I wasn't good enough. She would leave me like others before. When there is a group I tend to naturally go mute because it's just what happens to me, not because of anxiety, I just start spacing out and don't feel natural to be a part of it unless I highly relate to the conversation or until I'm alone with someone. Depends also if I'm comfortable or not with everyone. But my insecurity comes more because I shut down naturally, that they won't like me anymore. I also often feel like I'm so different from everyone, misunderstood and like I'm some sort of an alien sometimes. It's not easy for me to meet people and I'm anxious in groups where everyone is new and shut down and start feeling anxiety and that's not exactly attractive I guess. I need 1 on 1 encounter with someone I feel comfortable around. But that's hard to find as a starting point, usually it's a group first and then approaching the person, right. My history when it comes to "dating", always someone online and never any connection. Well I was in my teens and closeted, meeting guys. I had a 3 year relationship with no deep connection, just sleeping together and being two people who spent time together. We didn't even do any dating or anything, it just sort of started right after meeting for the first time. I guess we were both lonely socially awkward people so it just kind of went that way. I've been single for 10 years now, started out because I knew I needed to work on myself (have been dealing with depression and things like that) but I was also very relieved to not have to deal with the hassle of relationships. I wasn't excited, had no desire for a relationship. Then my process of coming out to myself started and I had a massive breakdown. My depression, anxiety, social anxiety, experiences from the past, fear and everything was surfacing at once along with having no idea who I was anymore. I ended thinking maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm a lesbian, but either way there's a closet. I went into a semi denial after that and had the second breakdown two years later. After that it's been more like a very confusing time, not as much of a breakdown. Sometimes I feel gay, sometimes I'm unsure. Sometimes I wonder if it's just because of my depression and fear, fearing I'm not good enough so I try to squeeze some more bisexuality out of what I have going on there so I don't feel as scared, but it doesn't really work, I'm still scared after that. I also worry that what if I don't know myself well enough and I can't figure it out at home? Then I think that that's ignorant of me and I can very well know. I'm not the person made for one night stands so I can't experiment in that way. But right now I'm just feeling like I'm too defective and different and weird and will never find anyone even when I'd be ready, my head is just really messing with me. There are probably tons of other things that contribute and other things I haven't said but this is mostly what's going on with me now. Yesterday I was so confident in what I had found out about myself, and today I'm insecure again. I'm scared of the LGBT community and that sound so strange, not because I'm phobic in that way, just there are so many emotions that surface and I'm afraid of just completely panicking. I tried once to go to a youth group but I was already 5-10 years older than them. I got a special permission to try go there. I didn't relate and they were just talking and I didn't know anything about anything and just felt like an outsider and that triggered anxiety from the past. I need to find people I relate to more. I'm afraid of labels and labeling myself before I feel confident in who I am I hope someone reads this and can relate and maybe wants to chat. I think a lot sometimes but there are things I like, like art, nature, animals, collecting, books, and such
Identity, I'm 27, coming out to myself, and this sounds like my life. I haven't dated in 10 years as well. I was ALWAYS introverted and shy. Although, I do think some it was because of abuse and a period of time being homeschooled in a religious setting. I'm also uncomfortable and feel like I don't "fit in" in the lgbt community. ---------- Post added 8th Aug 2015 at 01:12 PM ---------- I forgot to add that I would love to chat with you. Oops.
Hi. First off - sounds like you have a lot of stuff to work through from the past aside from working through your sexuality (although I suspect feelings of low self esteem is making it harder to make sense of your orientation). I too felt somewhat of an outsider at school, and was intermittently bullied. I didn't feel like I belonged or clicked with people. There were times when I stopped speaking at school, because I felt if I spoke I would simply be ridiculed. Looking back - I just didn't feel like connected with anyone, and I think making sense of it now, part of that was in broader terms of being queer - in some ways I didn't want to fit in, because it didn't make sense to behave in a way that didn't resonate with me. So I wanted friends, but not at the cost of being me. It felt either/or. I learnt that being me wasn't acceptable, so anxiety/depression hit in. I'm very fortunate now in that I do have a good circle of friends, with similar interests, some of whom are gay. They get me. And counselling helps too. Life isn't a bed of roses, but it's getting better, gradually. Old wounds take time to heal. My advice - find an LGBT group which meets to do something- anything which matches your interests, whether that's a book group or a hiking group. It takes off the edge of purely socialising. Also, find an LGBT friendly counsellor to start working through the issues of your past, how you relate to others now, and also to work on accepting your sexuality. You will find on here that not everyone fits neatly into being bi or gay - life's too complicated and rich for tidy categories!
Thank you for the reply, yes I think I was more introverted in the past because of the situation, now I'm more like an introverted ambivert hehe I'd love to chat with you! ---------- Post added 10th Aug 2015 at 04:19 AM ---------- I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, low self esteem, I think that's true. I get scared I'm not good enough so I try to see I could maybe be more attracted to guys, but I don't know if what's there is enough for a relationship, I guess I'll have to wait and see. But it has to mean something that I was relieved when I decided not to date, and finally understood the love songs and the movies when I started coming out to myself hehe. I just don't want to get into a relationship, having a feeling it might be doomed to start with. I am starting to have more and more periods of time where I'm like, nooo it would only work with a woman, and then I get scared of women haha. This was very helpful, thank you. I will look into LGBT groups, I've done so a few years ago, seems to be only camping trips with the older ladies and I hear it's sex and drugs happening there, I'm not into camping or doing those things, but I'll try again and see if there is anything. It doesn't seem to have a lot of options here though which is strange because I'm from a very open community and there's an LGBT organization here. I'll call them again though and check. I know there's a choir. What you said about your experience in school, I'm thinking maybe these things contributed more than i give it credit for, and yes I didnt want to be with them at the cost of being me but still wanted someone. I think I'm not holding any grudges towards the past anymore, I don't think of it in that way, but I'm still emotionally, how do I say this.. in similar situations I might feel the same way, sort of like re-experiencing emotion, not memories, but my body just understands the situation as depressing and anxiety giving and I feel exactly the same. I know of CBT and mindfulness, I really need to practice mindfulness in order to be able to do CBT, my head and emotions just take over, they get so deep and strong (I'm also a HSP) When I get highly stressed I cry instantly, it's just something in how my body is wired, I can't not cry even though I don't want to and try as hard as I can not to. Then it just comes with more intensity of feeling. It can be embarrassing in situations where you don't feel appropriate to start crying. I'm going to see a counselor in a few minutes actually, I'm going to discuss these things with her, thank you, it really helped to be able to vent and be heard and understood <3
