Hello, everyone, my name is Steven. This site looked pretty good, so I signed up. I apologize if this isn't the correct forum for my "issue", but it seemed to me none of the others matched up, so here goes: I would guess my story is similar to so many others': I'm 50, divorced, I have children, I'm gay, I'm so deep inside my personal closet the spiders get out more than I do. I have begun to come out to new friends, simply by letting them know I'm gay (yeah, children make me technically bisexual but I'm already confused enough, OK? I like men more than women, so I identify as gay.) No one else knows I'm gay, not my kids, not my ex-wife, not my parents (God, not my parents!). And you know? I'm OK with that. My sister would be OK with knowing, but everyone else I love would be devastated, and I am comfortable concealing my sexuality from them, in the interests of harmony. Your mileage may vary, it works for me, for now, OK? My problem, my need to vent, is that, while I'm looking for a nice man to settle down with (roommate to everyone else) and develop a LTR with, right now...right now, I'm a practicing slut. A devotee to all things gay and sexual. I'm active on several gay hookup sites, have about a dozen (and counting) fuck buddies that keep me, um, occupied, throughout the week and weekend, and I'm always seeking more. I have no discrimination. I can't seem to help myself; if a guy wants me, I make arrangements, his place or mine. Without being too graphic, I'm a sub btm by preference, so whatever the guy du jour wants to do, I'm fine with. I've done things I've enjoyed, and things I've felt bad about, but have done them again with different guys. I know, I absolutely know, that my actions are a direct reaction to being divorced and living on my own for the first time since I began exploring my sexuality when I was younger, and, YES! I know how freaking risky it is, but I cannot. seem. to. break. out. of. the. pattern! I keep hooking up with as many guys as I can for unprotected sex and, God help me, I love every minute of it! And I KNOW it's dangerous, I know the risks, but I just don't care! So, I'm venting here, partly for the benefit of explicitly telling myself what my problem is, but mostly because I hope there's someone here who's been through a similar experience and can give me some concrete advice on how to break out of this cycle of risky lust. Is there anyone? Please? Steven
Hi Steven My advice to you is simple, but it may also be difficult to take. In a word - therapy. Ideally, you should seek out a therapist who has experience with sexual addiction, because that's what you seem to be struggling with right now. Sure, there are underlying issues that will need to be explored concerning your sexuality and relationships, past and present, but the fact that you are reaching out to us suggests that you want to break this cycle and find something more fulfilling in life, and for that you may need help and one to one support. I'm not going to lecture you on the risks you are taking, but I would urge you to seek professional help with this very soon. Will not be easy, but if you are determined to break the cycle it's the best way forward.
Hi, Many have been where you are. Many get stuck there. Many move forward to fulfilling lives. First. The only person you are fooling is yourself. You believe nobody knows but you are leaving a trail of clues anybody can figure out. Second, sooner or later you will make a massive mistake and all will know. So why not control the reveal yourself? There may be a bumpy period but it will smooth out. Welcome.
Welcome to EC gaynevets :welcome: In reading your story, I'm wondering if your promiscuity is your way of dealing with the shame of being gay. In addition to the counseling that PatrickUK suggests, you may want to read The Velvet Rage, which is a compelling read that has opened my eyes to the landscape of gay culture and some of the things that I did to deal with the shame before coming out (and even before I came out to myself). The book will help you understand yourself and your behavior and provides guidance on healing yourself as preparation for being in a relationship.
Dido on the book, The Velvet Rage. With respect to sex addition. I believe it's cause / effect. The cause is you being in the closet, the effect is shame and lots of sex. (This is pretty much stated in the book.) I'm going to give you a rather stern warning. If you love your kids, want to see them grow and mature, do something about your situation FAST, less you wont be around. Taking a regiment of pills for the rest of your life can suck......if you don't die first.
I do not think you are suffering from a sexual addiction; rather, you are experiencing a typical "gay adolescence" — you are 50 going on 15. You will probably slow down after a year or two, perhaps after you meet that man of your dreams. Be aware, however, that gay relationships wherein one partner is closeted and the other out almost inevitably break down because of the disparity; the partner who is out begins to feel that he is being pulled back into the closet and resents it. When you say that you are out only to new friends, I'm guessing that your new friends are gay, and therefore no threat to the status quo. Eventually you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that to be truly happy you need to be out to everyone. And as someone above already suggested, other (straight) people in your life are almost certainly aware that "something" is up, given the radical change in your day-to-day behavioral pattern. Finally, you need not be ashamed of whatever you do in bed, so long as you are not harming anyone else, but you are in fact taking a huge risk of harming yourself. Since you are already having unsafe sex, you need to learn how to limit that risk. Besides condoms, there are a number of other strategies you can deploy, the most effective being PrEP. I urge you to ask your doctor whether PrEP might be advisable for you. (And if you are not out to your doctor, either come out or find a new, gay-friendly doc. Eventually you will have to anyway — given the road you're on, your contracting some sort of STI is almost inevitable.) P.S. The fact that you have children does not make you "technically bisexual." Your sexuality is an orientation, not a condition.
100% correct. Even deliberatly exploring does not make you bi. If you try something it does not set a preference. Just trying lobster does not mean you like lobster.
Something else to ponder: for some gay men, myself included (back in the day), having risky unprotected sex is acceptable because it seems the only way of ever coming out, i.e., rather than "come out," you are "outed," by virtue of having contracted HIV (which would be very difficult to conceal). Needless to say, not a good strategy!
As a parent, you may be able to influence your kids' opinions about the gay community so they will accept you later. Did you teach them any anti-gay beliefs? If so, it's time to start visibly "evolving" on the issue so they can as well. While others have touched upon therapy to deal with issues related to self-esteem, sexual addiction, or a second adolescence, there's another thing you can do to protect your health (particularly if you are very sexually active): Go on PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis). Usually, Truvada is prescribed for this purpose. It prevents HIV from taking hold in the body, greatly lowering your risk of seroconversion. While no one will condone using Truvada as an excuse to have limitless unsafe sex (the "Truvada slut" phenomenon), it does provide another layer of protection.
