unaccepting son

Really sorry to hear about this step backwards, when everything else seemed to be progressing well. How has your son been with you since he found out? Has he seemed hostile towards you? I'm just wondering if his comments to your wife seem at odds with his attitude towards you. Did he actually tell your wife that he wouldn't want anything to do with you if you act on your feelings?

We often refer the parents of LGBT children to PFLAG, but they are actually there to support parents and families. It might be worth checking out their website and trying to get your son to do the same. At the age of 17 he still has a lot of maturing and learning to do, so I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that you will lose him, as hard as this may be for you right now.

 

He may be repressing his own sexual issues.

A confident hetero has no reason to care about other's sexuality. Many homophobes have sexual issues they are repressing.

 

I don't know if what I have to say is going to be helpful or not, but I just wanted to comment anyway to say, I really empathize with your situation, it really hurts when someone so close doesn't accept us.

I learned something in a course once, about how to talk about something that may be emotional. It helps to prepare and it decreases the chances of him not hearing you because of becoming defensive. Start by writing down what you would like to say. Remember a few pointers, to use words that describe where you're coming from, like "I feel, I experience." Instead of pointing the focus on him, like "I feel really hurt when you say that and I worry about our relationship" Instead of more of an attack, "you're always using those words, I want you to stop it right this second" it's good to write things down and go over it, it does something for us to get it down that way and makes it easier to get it well out when we talk. Sounds like a no brainer but really, at least for me it does help.

And try not to use generalization words, like always, never, etc.

Say something positive in the beginning and the end, it's like a sandwich method.

What are you feeling, what are your deepest thoughts about what's happening, what would you like to see different, that's the middle. Explaining what it really is about, that it's not something we choose but we're born this way etc. You can even if you want, express how you've been feeling before coming out, help him put himself in your shoes a bit more.

Do this when you're both sitting down, calm and talking if possible. If not then maybe you can try giving him a letter. You could try writing a sketch and go over it a few times to see how it feels to read and then do what fits best.

I don't know, maybe he also needs some time to process

It could also be helpful if you'd ask about his feelings, listen to him too. Does he feel any fears or anything, school etc? Is that a part of the reason why he's acting out? So he feels you're there to listen if he needs to express himself as well. Then maybe you can work towards a solution together.

So it's
1.positive, might be about your relationship or something you appreciate or something
2.expressing yourself without starting with "you", start with "I (feel)", and no generalizations.
3. expressing what you would like to see happen, what you would appreciate and be thankful for happening, in a caring tone.
4.positive

You could even ask someone here in a PM or on a thread to help with the letter if you want. I have done that, asked for help when I'm writing something like this, sometimes it's helpful and supportive to have a second mind to work with you.

 

Really sorry to hear this. Here's an insight I learned just yesterday that may help: it's not your children's job to love you, it's your job to love them, no matter what.

At this point you must do everything you can to keep the lines of communication open, to be there for him, no matter what. At seventeen, he still needs you, and your wife will need to help keep the communication going, not for your sake but for his.

Your main objective, and this may require that you both seek joint counseling, is to understand where this homophobia is coming from. It may range from his own issues to the possible embarrassment he may feel at having a gay father (remember that if he tells others, or others in his peer group find out, he is also burdened with having to come out).

Check out the Colage website, there is some good stuff there with respect to support for kids with LGBT parents.

Finally, there is an old Jewish saying which can also help: A man asks his rabbi what to do with his difficult son, the rabbi said: "love him more".

 

I'm sorry to hear about your son's negative reaction. This must hurt you very much.

This is a pattern I've noticed as well, namely, that people often make antigay remarks as a way of repressing their own issues. The fact that you came out brings this closer to home. Of course this is a pattern and other factors may be driving your son's reaction.

FWIW, this occurred to me while I was getting my coffee, but skiff posted first :starwars:

 

I just wanted to add that he may just need some time to adjust...he's probably hurting because the stability in his life may not be there anymore and his family isn't what it was (or what he thought it was). Be true to yourself but also give him some time. And I second talking to him about it and maybe getting family counseling...(*hug*)

 

So True!!!

 

I am so sorry, Han. How devastating that must feel. You said you are out to your family, and I just wanted to be clear that that includes your son. I just wanted to make sure of the context and whether he is specifically talking about you, or was his comment more fueled by Caitlyn Jenner or someone else in the media?

Society is so much harder on gay men then, women in general. Expectations for men are crazy.

Women of course have their own battles, not saying that we don't

 

Love this statement -"Here's an insight I learned just yesterday that may help: it's not your children's job to love you, it's your job to love them, no matter what." So true.

I am a little confused though. You mentioned that your son would not have anything to do with you if you act on your feelings but you also mention that you are married. I just do not want to misconstrue the situation, but acting on these feelings while married may attribute to a lack of acceptence.

My kids had a hard time too. I don't force anyone to 'accept' it, that is thier business. My life, personal decisions and sexuality is mine. But they have to respect it, just as I respect others right to think and feel the way they do, even if we disagree. But if that means I am treated any differently because of it, then we have a boundary problem that can either be resolved together or apart if needed.

This is a lesson that respects all levels, topics in diversity.