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My Story...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BidiKlum, Aug 10, 2015.

  1. BidiKlum

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    I'm 38, married to a man, 2 small children. I live in Europe with my European husband. Back when we got married the idea of being gay or bi was not even on my radar. The first time was after we were married and I made out with a female friend of mine. She basically asked to kiss me and I said yes. And liked it. I also - full disclosure although this may make everyone hate me - cheated on my husband with men. The one time I actually had sex with another man, I came clean and man...I have never hurt someone so badly. I would hate to ever do that to him again. But nonetheless...I went to visit a college friend this past spring. She had sent me a text message months ago when she was drunk saying she wanted to hook up with me. At the time, I dismissed it as drunken raving but when I asked her about it, she admitted to being in love with me since we were 18. I'm 38, did I mention that? Well she and I hooked up and then when she came to visit us over here, hooked up again. I told my BFF that I was bi and told her what was going on. But I just don't know what to do, and I was hoping this wise crowd (shameless pandering I know!) could offer some advice. I don't want to hurt my husband, and I know he would be hurt and that it could irreparably harm our relationship, if I told him about the relationship with my friend. There is a part of me that just wants to be with her. I think I'm in love with her. But I also love my husband. Plus, there are the kids, and I want to make sure they are happy and of course they are my priority. And if we split up, what would happen? Would I stay in Europe so that the kids are still near their dad? Ask my friend to move here? Or do I tell him just that I think I might be bi, but not tell him about the rest of it? We have a good life right now - good jobs, healthy kids, a good relationship, do I want to upend that? Then what? Thanks everyone.
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    Hi BidiKlum,

    You wrote a lot of what if scenarios in your posting. Rather than trying to walk though every case, your first decision point is your orientation.

    Here are possible orientations based on your posting. These are a condensed version of the Kinsey scale. Feel free to google it if you prefer more precision.
    • Lesbian / bisexual with strong attraction to women - You are exclusively/primarily attracted to women.
    • Bisexual - You are equally attracted to men and women.
    • Bisexual with stronger attraction to men - You are primarily attracted to men with a lesser interest in women.
    Once you have a better handle on your orientation, you'll be able to answer the question should you stay with your husband? If you are a lesbian or bisexual with strong attraction to women, you will probably want to leave your husband so that you can live authentically. If you are bisexual (with equal or stronger attraction to men) staying with your husband is probably the best thing to do since there are children involved. Then the decision to stay involved with your college friend becomes a question in your values. In general it's best to either be transparent with him or stop seeing your college friend. As you've learned, cheating on him will hurt him, especially if you decide to continue seeing your college friend behind his back and he discovers this somehow.

    HTH
     
    #2 SiennaFire, Aug 10, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2015
  3. bi2me

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    Hi hon,

    It seems to me that you have two separate issues.

    1. How is your marriage? Without meaning to make a judgement (if it comes across that way) you seem to be having trouble with monogamy. Is your marriage worth the hard work of figuring out.

    2. To whom (specific people or gender/sex) are you most attracted?

    I'm going to respectfully disagree with Sienna, in that I think I overall tend to be more attracted to women, but I love my husband, am attracted to him, enjoy sex with him, and want to continue to raise our children together. I do not want to leave him. I also have chosen not to cheat on him, because I don't know if we could be together if I did.

    I was speaking with someone on here, and I think, for me, it's not entirely possible for any one person to meet all my desires. I simultaneously have desires for men and women, in terms of energy, body parts, personality traits, etc. given that, should I throw away a relationship that almost meets all of my needs to look for something with a woman? For me, no. He meets so many needs, I find it hard to think anyone could do better, even if she had breasts.

    My husband knows I'm bisexual. He knows I have had and continue to have feelings for my friend. I've spent the last year getting comfortable enough with myself and my sexuality that I'm ok having discussions with another bi friend in public about women in general or telling my husband I think someone is hot.

    He and I have briefly discussed open relationships. It's not something he's interested in, and it's not something I'm sure I could navigate even if he were. I know some people can make that work.

    Let me know what else would be helpful to know. :slight_smile:
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    You may or may not be disagreeing with me. My point is that folks at 5 or 6 on the Kinsey scale are happier and more fulfilled dating someone of the same sex because they are in alignment with their authentic selves. This is the case for me personally, and not living authentically has taken its toll on me. If you score 4 or less on the Kinsey scale, then your decision to remain faithful with your husband makes total sense. Now if you are closer to 5 or 6, then I would question the wisdom of fighting your authentic self, but nevertheless respect your decision to do so. Hopefully our discussion and exploration of this topic will help BidiKlum do what's right for her.
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Aug 10, 2015
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  5. BidiKlum

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    Thanks guys. I currently am a straight up 3 on the Kinsey scale. So I think I need to figure out whether I can be monogamous with my husband regardless of orientation. But I also think I need to figure out how to tell him that I am attracted to women without him worrying (and rightly so I suppose) that I am going to cheat on him. If I can do that and we can work through that together I think we would be stronger for it.

    I guess I also need to do some work to figure out if that 3 is really accurate - like, if my list of hottest celebrities is only women, does that mean something? :slight_smile: But on the other hand, husband and I do have fulfilling sex as well...

    As for the friend, just as an update, we talked last night and she wants to go back to just being friends as she doesn't see us having a future - she is currently in Europe but leaving soon and a secret, long-distance relationship just doesn't make sense. Stings but I get it. And ultimately probably need this so that I can figure things out without that added complication.

    Anyway, thank you both for your honest and thoughtful responses. I was really bluntly honest in my post and I kind of expected that someone here would judge me for my admittedly poor choices.
     
  6. bi2me

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    Lots of people on here have made similar choices, and I try not to judge people, especially when I can't know the whole story. Plenty of people have told me to leave my husband or that I can't have feelings for two people at the same time.

    I think it is most helpful to assume that people are generally doing the best they can to get through life in the best ways they know how. Life is messy. Only you can decide if it was wrong for you to go outside your marriage. If you want to stay with your husband, but you can't do monogamy, you have to figure out what that means for you and for him. There are several good books out there about whether monogamy is realistic and opening up relationships.

    I read Sex at Dawn, which was a really interesting anthropological look at monogamy (or lack thereof). It's worth reading, just for the cross cultural information about how different cultures have vastly different expectations on relationships.

    I've heard Opening Up is a good read about poly relationships, but I haven't read it.
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    I think you already know the answer to your first question :slight_smile:

    Another question to consider is how does sex with your husband compare to sex with another woman?
     
  8. BidiKlum

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  9. bi2me

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    I think there is probably something about the newness being erotic in its own right.
     
  10. biAnnika

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    I know this isn't relevant to the OP, since she identifies as a 3 (although she does list her sexuality as "questioning").

    I agree completely that a 6 will be more fulfilled dating someone of the same sex. But I think it's an overgeneralization to say this of a 5, Sienna.

    5's are not just 6's with a little bit of hetero attraction or curiosity. Some come close to that, but there's a lot of diversity over how bisexuality is experienced. Some *4's* couldn't be happy with a hetero partner (I'm not sure if I could be, in the long term).

    But in both 4's and 5's, the number *can* designate more *how often* the person finds a hetero partner that they fit with; not the percentage of time they spend preferring hetero sex. In other words, two different kinds of 5's could have these experiences:
    (1) (what you seem to be thinking) In any relationship, they spend most of their time wanting same-sex sex, but occasionally are interested in hetero sex; OR
    (2) Most same-sex people they run into do not interest/fit with them as a potential partner, and many more same-sex persons do interest/fit with them as a potential partner...but when they find someone (of either sex) who does fit with them, that partnership is as intense and satisfying as any other that could have formed.

    There are other manifestations of bisexuality as well, but I think these two give enough contrast to convey the idea that 5's cannot be lumped together with 6's in terms of relationship advice.
     
  11. Viator

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    The most important person to be out to is yourself. I did not have to function in the same sphere as you, I was in the closet until after my marriage ended. I would say that your spouse needs to be in the next group of people. He may be willing to take a new path with you, he may not.
     
  12. Sue Baloo

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    I don't have much to say, except that I wanted you to know that I read everything you said, and I have no bad feelings about you cheating or anything else that is going on. You just sound like you are looking for clarity, and that the physical activity is helping you navigate your way to that clarity. Good luck on your journey. :wink:
     
  13. BidiKlum

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    Thank you so much for this Sue Baloo. I feel horrible amounts of guilt and appreciate the kind words.
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    Actually they are by definition. Here are the definitions of the ratings from the Kinsey Institute web site also published on Wikipedia, starting with 3

    3 - Equally heterosexual and homosexual
    4 - Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
    5 - Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
    6 - Exclusively homosexual

    FWIW, my first reply intentionally avoided the use of the Kinsey scale. While the Kinsey scale is a useful reference model for classifying bisexuality beyond the ternary model {straight, bisexual, gay}, it has a few issues (such as vague criteria and no official test) that create the confusion we're having here.
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Aug 13, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2015
  15. biAnnika

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    The definition you post does not contradict what I say. Do you assume there is only one way to be "incidentally heterosexual"? I stand by the entire content of my post.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    Like I said earlier, one of the problems with the Kinsey scale is the vague criterion, such as what it means to be "incidentally heterosexual". Do you have any statistics of what percentage of Kinsey 5 folks fall into your category (2)? Looking at the graph The Kinsey Institute - Kinsey Sexuality Rating Scale I estimate that there's 10% heterosexual behavior in class 5 individuals. That means that my guidance is right 90% of the time. Pretty good advice.
     
  17. MZRaven

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    Okay usually, although this is not always the case, when a woman cheats it means there is trouble in the marriage. Women usually, and again not everyone is like this, start sleeping around when they are unhappy and ready to basically end the relationship.

    I would focus on why you feel a need to find fulfillment outside of your marriage. What is missing, what is going on, why do you need it.
     
  18. biAnnika

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    I didn't say your advice was bad. I said you were overgeneralizing.

    No, of course I don't know the breakdown between (1), (2), and others. It's not like bisexuality is anything like a well-studied sexuality.

    And my point was that 90% homosexual can be experienced as:
    (1) interested in hetero sex 10% of the time; OR
    (2) only 10% of the people you're attracted to are of the opposite sex;
    other ways.

    In the case of (2), your advice would be bad *all* the time, not 10%. Again, we don't know what percentage of 5's are like that (or other ways that would make avoiding commitments to opposite-sex partners unnecessary/undesirable). But yet again, my point was only that you overgeneralize.

    If this exchange needs to be continued, can we please do it off this thread, so as to better respect the OP and the difficulties she's having?

    Thank you.
     
  19. BidiKlum

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    I am a pretty atypical woman in a lot of ways - my friends joke that I am the "man" in the relationship and there is actually a lot of truth in that. So I'm not sure if I am unhappy in the relationship necessarily, it's more that it doesn't provide the spark and excitement.

    OK, re-reading that then yes, there is something missing - a spark. But we've been together nearly 20 years, so of course that initial excitement is gone.

    I don't know what I need to be happy in the relationship. He is everything that any straight woman would want - does more than his share around the house, good dad, etc etc. Maybe it really is that I want to be with a woman, or maybe it is just that I'm not good at monogamy. Or I just crave excitement. In which case I should probably find a better way of getting it.

    Sorry, this is kind of a stream of consciousness response. I blame the hangover. :eusa_doh:

    But yes, MZRaven, you are spot on that I need to figure it out. I AM in counseling so there's that anyway?

    ---------- Post added 14th Aug 2015 at 02:02 AM ----------

    This is what I am starting to realize as well - I need to be honest with him at least about this aspect of my sexuality. At some point. I am not ready to go there yet though, because based on my history of cheating, he will probably flip out. And be really hurt. And I'm scared of destroying our relationship.
     
  20. Danf74

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    Hello BidiKlum,

    I've read your story, and I believe I am almost exactly your male counterpart. In that I mean, I'm a guy predominantly attracted to other men, but married to my wife of 20 years. We have 3 kids together. She knows about my attraction to men. I've never experienced sex with a man, but a part of me very much wants to explore those waters.

    You're right, after 20 years the spark begins to fade. I sometimes wonder if my desire to experience homo sex is more about infusing excitement into my life than anything else. I wonder if I enjoy the fantasy more than I would enjoy the real act.

    And I very much agree with the sentiments expressed by bi2me. No one person can fulfill all of my desires. I firmly believe I'm married to the best person for me. But I fight a battle every day against choices that threaten to undermine our marriage.

    This forum is filled with smart, compassionate and thoughtful people. No need to fear judgement here.