Doubting... am I a Lesbian, or am I Bi.

Hello High Art. I feel just that way too. I hear the internal voice saying, "Thats not allowed unless you are 100% sure!"

I recognize the infatuations with men that you write about. My personal madness (questioning my sexuality) began around the time I decided to ask google if there were ever any lesbians with attractions to men. I found many interesting articles about lesbians sleeping with men while still identifying as lesbian; women marrying men only to discover a lesbian identity later in life, etc. So yes, there are, and sexuality is complex and sometimes fluid. It seems to me that when we first realize this, it can feel like an awakening. Straight people don't really have to search, examine, struggle, explore the way we do, because their nature will not be in opposition to the script handed to us all by society. We who are not completely comfortable with it suddenly have to get to know ourselves, deeply.

Currently I'm looking at my heterosexual history, trying to see the nuances and the fine print there... or am I actually looking from a whole new angle? The men I've needed in my life and have been romantically involved with... what reasons did I have? What kind of passion was there?

Hm... I'm pretty sure that confusion will give way to clarity in time, it's just that the things we will come to understand further down the road, are incomprehensible for us at present - I think that we are going to see things from a perspective we can't even imagine at this point. So we cannot know what we don't yet know.

Treat yourself with kindness and compassion and stay curious, that's my best advice. Welcome to the forum!

 

I can definitely relate to your confusion and self doubt. I've had a handful of genuine attractions to men, but they're very few and far between, and the last one was a decade ago. I was married for 8 years and thought I was in love when we got together, but in hindsight it was affection rather than physical attraction. At this point I honestly feel just plain gay, but I also know I've had genuine attractions to men a handful of times so I'm not quite willing to say it out loud.

You don't have to be 100% sure in order to come out. It's okay to say "I don't know whether I'm gay, but it's something I need to explore". I know how stressful it is to disrupt a marriage over this, but believe me when I say that it's not something you can repress forever. Your feelings for women are genuine and they're not going to go away. I'm not suggesting you should rush into anything, but there's not much point in prolonging the inevitable either.

I wish you all the best of luck.

 

Thanks for posting. I'm in the questioning phase simply because the opportunity to act has not presented itself. I'm struggling with the whole "unless you are 100% sure thing" myself. My therapist has given me a mouthful about it. I'm grateful I don't have a marriage to contend with, however, I'm on the other end of the spectrum, I've generally eschewed putting any effort into pursuing romantic relationships and haven't had one in 20 years until the possibility of one threw itself at me last summer and my internal reaction was such that I realized (slowly) that I had to face up to what I needed to deal with.

 

Hi HighArt, believe it or not there are so many other women out there that have had the same or similar experiences. I fell in love with my best friend when I was 14 but had no idea what it was...just thought it was being a best friend. We went to a Catholic School so a relationship with a woman was not really acceptable...I can identify with your statement about being conflicted about being with another woman because you were afraid you might like it "too much". I felt such strong feelings for my best friend (who I ended up having an emotional affair with for about twenty years) but thought that 1) that it was just what it felt like to have a really really close best friend and 2) if I was attracted to her, and admitted it and pursued it then well that may mean I was gay...and what if I liked it and wow, I could not deal with the spiral downward thinking that came from that point on. I am not in my late thirties, married with two children. I married the first man I dated and have been with him over twn years. I know nothing else so I have accepted my life. But then I found this forum, began talking to people, and then I met a female who I became close to and I allowed myself to think about my attraction for women and the flood gates opened. I don't know if I identify myself as bi (out of necessity because I am too scared to say I am a Lesbian) or if I am a Lesbian. To be honest, the label doesn't matter. I just want to be happy. I have this need I feel to be with a woman, have a relationship with one, but I don't know if that is what I 100% want and need and if I leave my marriage, my family, what will it do to them, my kids...is it worth the risk because I am not 100% sure. It is exhausting. It helps to talk things out...and it is definitely a journey, but now you know you are not alone.

There are lots of us on here who have good input, pick our brains and lean on us if need be.

Good Luck in your journey HighArt, and I am always around to chat if you need to...

 

"And then the next day, I'll be alone, or hanging with my husband, watching TV, and I'll think "What are you thinking? This doesn't make sense, no one will believe you! You are just bored!""

Oh my gosh. This. Is. Me. Totally totally. And ThirdTimeCharm, I'm married with kids as well - and yes...exhausting is the right word.

Can I just say how happy I am to have found this forum??

Anyway, to get back to the original post - if you figure out what to do will you let us know?? Cause I sure don't have the answer. It does make it easier that you don't have kids, but even without kids it is a huge step to take, and I get that you don't want to take that step without being sure. If nothing else, you don't want to hurt your relationship without reason. That being said - it sure sounds like you are closer to lesbian than bi. Not that an online post of 500 words can make that determination...

Good luck and keep us updated, ok? xx

 

This thread is me. Exactly the same situation, same questioning, same everything.

I am also scared to venture out and try to be with a woman, partly because I am little bit embarrassed for being new to the game at this age, party because I don't know how to approach a woman (men I have figured out but it doesn't help, always a nervous mess when even coming across an attractive woman) but also because if it is not life-changing I have fucked a perfectly good relationship and two lives (mine and ex-boyfriend's) for nothing.

 

Sexuality is not a either or thing for most. It lies on a scale between totally straight and totally gay. Some of us like me who have been lesbians forever almost are closer to the totally gay end of it. Many straight women are closer to the totally heterosexual end of it. Everyone else however is in-between. Instead of figuring out whether or not you are gay or bi just accept where you are at right now.

 

I agree that generally it's a good idea to just accept where you are and not worry about a label, but anyone who is considering breaking up a marriage/family feels an added pressure to figure it out before going through with changing a lot of other people's lives.

I think it's also important to look at your marriage. Are you happy in your marriage, or would it be better to get out of it even if you were straight? That can answer some of the questions. I'm pretty sure I'm a Kinsey 3-4, and after a year of scrutiny, I realized that no matter what gender/sex I ended up with, there would be parts of my relationship that would be missing. All people are different, and there are definite differences between men and women. My husband and I just fit together so well that I'm not willing to break that up for trying something with a hypothetical other partner. Someone not so happy in a marriage probably would have a very different response to the same questions.

It doesn't mean I don't fantasize about women or look at them. I do. And I often tell my husband about it. I don't tend to look at or fantasize about men, but I think it's because I'm happy with the one I have.

 

I had this same confusion for awhile, and besides conditioning, I realized that there are definitely men that I find really hot, BUT, what I also realized finally, is that I have no interest in actually having sex with those super hot men. Women are a completely different story, I see a hot woman, and I become aroused for her. I felt like if I found men hot or 'sexy' then I must be bi, but like you mentioned you do yourself, the only way I could enjoy sex with men, is by fantasizing about women while having it. The human body is amazing, and it can be very attractive and even hot. Maybe because we came out so late, it is easier for us to acknowledge that fact about all genders, but that doesn't mean we want to have sex with them all.

 

I've been thinking these days that we are having all these issues and dilemmas about our sexuality, when we notice these changes at 30 plus, we go through all this suffering and back and fort questioning ourselves, because even LGBT friendly groups and societies have this norm of "gay people have always known they are gay".
It's not enough that inside some of us there is a decent amount of undigested internal homophobia, but we have to deal with this other "norm" too. Not that the heteronorm wouldn't be enough.
I noticed on several lesbian websites, while eagerly looking for some helpful resources, that there is a lot of advice going around about avoiding women who are not fully out, who are questioning, or who are still in a relationship with a man. And I totally get this, I mean who would want to check in into something serious with someone who is not sure and emotionally messy.
But I think a lot of us don't want (or not even ready to) jump to a serious lesbian relationship. I mean right after the realization phase. We want to figure ourselves out, get closer to the thruth beneath our masks and make friends who are okay to see us for who we really are.
Speaking of myself, I'm sure my questioning process (or self discovery or self acceptance process) would be made much easier if it would be more obvious that what we are going through is "real", if there would be more information and coverage about people who are questioning later and come out later in life.
What scares me the most is that people (LGBT community including or especially) would discredit my experience.
Now this could be only a mirror of my own lack of acceptance towards myself, but still.
So "it's okay to realize you're gay any age" (or "it's okay to identify with any sexuality at any age regardeless of what you've identified with before") should be on the same level of acceptance as plain "it's okay to be gay". Or should be included in the understanding of that.
But yeah, maybe we are the ones who have actually the possibility of contributing to the public acceptance of this...

(Sorry for the brief social-philosophical rambling moment) :icon_bigg

 

Yes. And yes, exactly. And so what if we're still in the slow lane as far as being a lesbian? I'm not getting on the highway until I'm more confident in my own driving. And if you don't want to get to know me before I speed up and merge, you might miss out on some great trips.
(Excuse the metaphor. I'll return to the passenger seat now.)

 

Don't let anyone dictate your journey. Go as slow or fast as you are comfortable with.

A friend of mine is in a new relationship, (8 months) with her 48 year old girlfriend who just came out of the closet. She has been warmly welcomed into our group of lesbian friends.

Seriously, there is no judgement. Most understand and the few who would judge, aren't worth hanging around anyway. (&&&)

 

Some us have known our whole lives we were gay we just fought it tooth and nail so ya sometimes we tend to look on those who just found out with suspicion.

Those of us who have been gay a long time say those things of warning because we found out the hard way and want others to avoid the heartache.

Many lesbians fall in love much too fast so to have someone just want to try it out on us feels like we are being used the same way a guy would use us.

If you want try it out fine but make sure you are with someone who feels the same way and does not want a commitment. Using a woman for sex only and not letting them know that, is not cool. There are some lesbians, usually butches, but not always, that will gladly take you for a roll in the hay and not think twice and walk away.

I for one have been on both sides of the fence. I am a butch and there were times when i flat out used a woman for sex only and had no intention of keeping her around. There has also been times when i was the one being used. Neither role felt really good. I did not like the fact that I used a woman and I definitely did not like being used.
So I am saying don't be like me. Let them know up front.

 

bi2me, what you wrote about taking an honest look at the relationship one is currently in, is so true. It's wise advice and made me think of this wonderful video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eparlp-8uVo&index=11&list=PLwxNMb28XmpcEwc0qydf2jSszQFSht81E
"There is no such thing as a right person. Everyone is wrong - in fascinating and ragingly diverse ways."

Sue Baloo, I recognize what you write. I think in another thread you wrote about identifying with a hot guy because you wanted to be him, not be with him. I know what you mean. Many things I find sexy that men do to seduce women, are actually things I'd like to do to seduce women. I like a lot of masculine body language, men's clothing, etc because I see myself in there, I identify with it. I feel genderfluid, or androgynous or like both male and female. I don't want to wear dresses or skirts, but enjoy looking at women who do f ex. When I was a child, it got me angry that a lot of grownups saw a little girl when they saw me (I'm a petite sort of innocent-looking person, too).

I've been drawn to or attracted to certain men that possess certain qualities. I'm still working through how I feel about men, but it's like a fetish. (However a fetish is an inanimate object, but I don't know the right word) A man can awaken a desire in me, but it doesn't happen often, and it's also true that at the same time I want to BE him, I want to TAKE his energy and make use of it. Somehow I want his powers.

 

I can totally relate to these posts. I thought I was straight or "maybe questioning" for many years and I'm still confused about what I am. I have only had sex with men and I've never really enjoyed it or gotten close to orgasm but I thought I was just bad at sex. (I tend to think I'm bad at everything...) Then again there weren't very many men so maybe I just never met the right man. And I did feel attracted to them, it just never added up to much. Sexual thoughts about women do make me excited but some of it's connected to porn which isn't a good way to figure this out.

There are still some male celebrities I fantasize about so I really don't think I'm a lesbian. What I want eventually is a monogamous relationship with a woman, but if I don't identify as a lesbian I feel like I won't find that (and my age and looks don't help.) It's just really hard for me to imagine meeting a woman and things like that happening, even though I do want it.

Anyway I'm glad you're trying to figure this out and I get how frustrating that can be. It's hard to re-examine your life. I hope things work out for you.

 

I can understand this, but I tend to think that in some cases the difference between you who knew all your lives and others like me is that we were better in lying to ourselves. At least as far as I'm concerned, I can say I somehow always new there is something, on o conscious level, but rationalized it away.
Maybe 10 years ago someone who wasn't so successful at lying to herself would have thought about me (If she new) "how I envy her for succeding to make herself believe she is straight". But unfortunately the price of this was pretty high - confusion about who I am, depression and feeling constantly that something is not right.

But everyone's journey is different and I was the most shy, sensitive and afraid of evetything kind of girl long time ago in a country where gay people were still sent to prison when I was a child.

But that's just one story, other people got in the position I am now through a completely different route.
And why not, there are some who never had same sex attractions before and it just started happening out of the blue.

So I can totally understand that is good to be cautious and noone wants their heart broken, but everybody needs to be seen as they are right now, and right now I, for example, would like to have lesbian friends who wouldn't judge me because I got a different path behind me.
I'm in this phase of my life where I need to do stuff and explore stuff which some other people are not interested in, past thirty. But I think these differences are part of what makes life worth living.

And for me questioning is not about. "I want to try to have sex with a woman to see if I'm gay', but it's more about 'finally I got the strenght to look more deeply in myself and I'm determined to finally accept what has always been there and I would like to sorround myself with people who are accepting me for who I really am."

Thanks for reading and replying though, really appreciate to read different perspectives on this

 

When I came out, I think it was probably 90% of the people who I came out to, that responded that they always thought that I already was out. Even my asshole husband already knew and refused to believe that I only at that time just realized it. Even my first girlfriend, the one who made me realize I was gay (love at first site - didn't last) She assumed that I was gay and married to a guy, or maybe bi, and that it was I who made her come out. My frequent thought on hearing this, was, well why didn't anyone ever tell me? LOL. It's funny, and it's true that it seems like I was the last to know, but we all really do have out own journey.