People not realising you're LGBT even after you've come out?

I don't have this issue, yet. I can see how people's gaydar can be misfiring from time to time. But I guess I would be forgiving...once you told her she was totally cool it seems.

Me, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm not after anyone's approval, or any community's approval. You'll be fine...give it time.

 

Neither am I.

Your whole post is full of good advice.

 

I think it is especially common to be assumed to be straight when you have an (ex) husband, kids... Cause then clearly you did have a straight relationship before. I'm not sure what the solution is, but maybe be more --- obvious? --- about your interest? Like bring up dating ("seeing anyone these days?") and then say something like, "yeah, I'm finding it hard to find a nice woman since people seem to think I'm straight". Does that make sense?

 

Look...the default assumption in our society is "straight". And the deeper assumption is "monosexual".

As you seem to realize, "coming out" isn't an event; it is a process. And as you also seem to realize, "coming out" isn't nearly as important as *being* out (personally, I describe my outness exactly as you do: not crying from the hilltops and not hiding it).

Not crying it from the hilltops, however, means that until someone hears that I have a female partner, they're gonna assume I'm straight. If they say something that indicates they think this (e.g., "so what does your husband do for a living?" *cringe*), I tell them my partner is female. It also means that when they find out (from me or from anyone else) that I have a female partner, they assume I'm gay. If they say something that indicates that they think this (e.g., "so as a lesbian in this area, do you find..."), I ask them what makes them think I'm a lesbian...I have a female partner, but that doesn't give them enough information to conclude I'm a lesbian. Yes, it's an entirely rhetorical question...I know *exactly* why they assume I'm a lesbian...but they've never thought about it before, so the question is worth asking.

Yeah, it's inconvenient. But it's reasonable, given where society is. And I'd say we *all* have some version of it, no matter how much we cry it from the hilltops.

 

I've seen threads here along the lines of "what to do when you get sick of coming out?". To me, yes, coming out is a process. But that process is not "coming out". It is "being out".

Don't keep coming out to people, unless you have energy toward continuing to do that. Just *be* out. If someone said to a straight male friend of yours "you're such a nice young man, why don't you have a boyfriend?" wouldn't he speak up and say "um, I'm not going to have a boyfriend...but I might have a girlfriend some day." ? That's not coming out as straight...that's just being up-front about who you are.

 

Nicely put...:eusa_clap

 

People mahe assumptions based on their perspective. Also, say you like beets and a lot of other folks don"t, to assume everyone knows your feelings and they pick up on hints that you like beets is asking a lot.

Many eople are not that bright.

 

Same problem. I just ordered a rainbow ring for my thumb (I've always loved thumb rings) and am hoping that helps. It's silly, and it's advertising, but I really am proud, and I am always looking to expand my circle of like-minded people, as well as be openly out, because I think the world needs to be aware of how many of us there are, and how we are just like everyone else.

 

I am only out to a few friends -my bi friends are totally accepting, but my lesbian friends just laugh and tell me I'm bi. Frustrating...

I like what you said, not screaming from the hilltops, but not hiding it...I also have kids, and a BF that I don't know how to come out to, no one suspects even though I am not hiding it. I go to pride gatherings, I participate in events, go to the find raisers, have rainbow on my car -you know, the standard "advertising" lol they all just think Im an ally, or bi.

baby steps

 

My fiancee has that problem. She doesn't "look" like a lesbian. We have had this talk a few times. The advantages and disadvantages of "looking" gay/lesbian. When people look at me, they know. It's not something I have to tell people. Advantages to that is, family knows me when they see me. The head nods, the silent acknowledgement and immediate acceptance. The sense of community is instant. My fiancee doesn't have that. It frustrates her that she has to "come out" even to gay people who don't realize that she's a lesbian. She doesn't hide it. She is extremely feminine and doesn't conform to the stereotypical definition of what a lesbian looks like. On the flip side of that same coin, she doesn't have the negative that can come with it. The snide remarks as someone walks by. The disapproving and downright murderous stares. The comments when you're trying to go into a public restroom. The being physically attacked in a parking lot. Etc etc.
So there can be advantages and disadvantages to having to keep coming out. Look for your silver lining in the situation.

 

Most people assume I'm straight when I first meet them. I started a new job this year and two of the colleagues asked if I have a girlfriend and I replied with "No I don't like girls" and they were fine with it. I don't go around introducing myself as gay, I will tell people if I am attending or volunteering for an lgbt event and let them draw their own conclusions. If they do want to know more about my sexuality they are free to ask, I just avoid going into too much detail about my sexuality with people I just met because I like to know how comfortable they are with listening to gay issues first.

The only time I get frustrated is if people treat me as if I'm still in the closet, just because I'm usually quiet and reserved. I don't act quietly because I'm hiding something, that's just how I am. Yes, a lot of gay people are very expressive and extroverted, but not all of us are, and it's not set in stone that we all have to be.