Does anyone relate to this? When I first started realizing I might fall in love with women, I was coming out of complete denial and had a massive breakdown. I went into semi denial after realizing I knew for sure I have some attraction to women. Semi denial as in, it's there, I know of it but it's not in my radar of thought at all. After more breakdowns and more time in semi denial I made me make myself think about it, I thought it was time to force it out so that I would finally find my true self image and stop this cycle of being in partial semi denial. I intentionally started the process in the beginning of this year. I was asked, why label yourself, why not just see how things go? In theory that sounds very nice. If my psych would agree. Meaning, while it's still foggy, there will be stress. That's just how it is for me. It feels like I'm partially in the closet while I'm going through my questioning. Like the roulette is still going and I can't fully go on to the next stage of coming out to myself and actually *being* who I am until it's stopped. I need to clear the fog from the truth of my nature. I don't think I'm the type that would experiment sexually, I would want a deep emotional connection first, so that makes me want to be even more sure by thinking about it so much, before entering a relationship. Do you know what I mean, when I say that I don't feel like I can fully feel my true identity, my true self image, unless I have found the answer I feel most comfortable with, that feels like it's a good fit? I can't relax into it as much. I think I'm getting close to the end of this part of coming out to myself though, I think I'm only fully attracted to women so it wouldn't be fair to date men I guess knowing that, unless we were both very comfortable with the idea and honest to begin with of course, but I just don't see it happening. It would have to be an amazing guy that fits me perfectly for me to try that, but it makes me think if I'll feel trapped again. It's just that I feel relieved when I think lesbian, then I feel scared and don't want to let go of questioning, like a tug of war. I've thought about other labels like biromantic, lesbiflexible etc But when I am questioning or when I talk about when I was questioning, I always hear this and then I wonder if I'm the only one who can't just wait and see.
Yeah, I understand. Its like you don't want a hookup cuz that just seems cheap and hardly something indicative of how you would feel having a real connection to someone. At the same time, while questioning, there's also (for me) the worry of "what if I over thought all of this, what of its just been my head screwing with me". I worry sometimes that what if I get involved with a guy and after acting on those thoughts I start to feel shamed or have all those dark feelings from youth return. You know you have to take the plunge one day to finally put the question to rest, but still fear whatever emotional baggage that may bring. At least that's how it feels for me. ---------- Post added 11th Aug 2015 at 06:35 AM ---------- I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of this is just who I am. I was just thinking the other day of getting a rainbow barcode tattooed on my inner forearm with "pride" in place of the numbers. There's just that part that wants to bust out and say "Damn it, if this is who I am, then I'm just gonna OWN this".
Maybe you could focus less on what exactly the label is? And just go for it - go on some dates with women? Obviously you can be open about the fact that you are still figuring out your sexuality, but maybe in your mind you are equating "dating women" with "settle down in a serious relationship forever and ever"? I don't mean that in a mean way, just that maybe if you just let things happen, get involved with groups where you might meet someone, then it can happen more organically? Good luck...
