As I posted on another thread, I was - up until a few days ago - involved in an affair with a woman who has been my best friend since we were 19. We started hooking up this past Spring and this week, since she is moving away, said she wants to go back to being friends. She said something to the effect of "I can't keep waiting for you." I don't know what I want but I was imagining all sorts of ways that we could get through this and be together. So I asked her whether if things had been different if she would have waited for me. And she said no, that being with a man gives a spark that being with a woman doesn't. I've totally fallen in love with her and was ready to change my entire life for her. I know she hadn't been with many women but I thought she felt the same way. I'm so hurt right now. I'm sitting here at work crying while I write this. I feel like such an idiot for understanding her saying she loves me as something more than it was...
When you love someone and then begin a relationship like that sometimes emotions take over and we live in the fantasy. She could feel the same way, obviously you guys had an intimate relationship. People sometimes say things that are not true Bc it's easier for them even though it hurts someone else. I understand how you feel. As you told me, things will get better....we are here to talk so if you ever need to vent or cry or someone to lean us, we are a great resource here.
Rejection always hurts, so I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) It's part of the process of coming out at midlife to revisit the darker side of our younger, single lives, namely, rejection. Feel the pain, ask yourself what you can learn, and move on. Having said that, it's good that she was honest with you about her feelings (I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was being honest that she's bisexual with a stronger attraction to guys). If there's a silver lining here, is that it would have been terrible if you had broken up your marriage for her. For now you should focus on the issues from the other thread to get clarity on your orientation and monogamy in your marriage. It's not easy dealing with these issues at midlife, so hang in there (&&&)
:icon_sad: I'm so sorry. It is very possible she is just saying what she feels she needs to believe in order to step away. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for your support everyone. We had a talk last night, since I really need to figure out how to deal with this if we are going to remain friends, which is what we had promised each other before this all started. She admitted that while she thought she was in love with me, she gradually realized that the spark wasn't there, even though she kept hoping it would come, it never did. And realized that she really didn't see herself with a woman long-term. Ironically she was realizing that she didn't have the spark and feel the tingly in love feelings as I was falling in love and getting those tingly feelings. As SiennaBlue pointed out, it is good that she didn't let me go on thinking there was a chance and break up my marriage for something that wasn't going to happen or last. I do appreciate that despite how much it hurts right now. I'm not currently free, Chicagoblue, but I was starting to try to figure out how I could be... Thanks again for the virtual hugs everyone, I really appreciate it and am so glad to have found this support system. ---------- Post added 12th Aug 2015 at 11:53 PM ---------- I honestly don't think that is the case. But yeah, I can't know 100% whether she doesn't have the feelings for me personally or for a woman in general. I would of course be hurt if she did end up in a relationship with another woman since accepting that she is on a different level on the Kinsey scale is easier than accepting that it is something about me personally. Ugh. This sucks.
I have been on the other end of it too many times. As a lesbian falling for a married woman is emotional suicide as rarely do they leave the husband for you. Men provide financial security that few lesbians can offer. One woman I had a affair with for years online and every time I mentioned even moving closer she would back peddle big time. I finally got it through my head that it was never going to happen.
I have thought of this aspect a lot. Marriage does provide securities which are hard to step away from - especially if the guy you are married to is a good friend!! It's ironic, because I used to always be afraid of marriage for this reason - the fear of getting comfortable - so comfortable that it's nearly impossible to muster the strength to break away. And now - after finally taking the plunge, feeling confident I was making the right choice- I am realizing my sexuality less than two years into the marriage. Sheesh. Life, right?:rolle::bang:
