I want a husband. Is this normal?

I am happy to report that you are not alone, it is something that is quite doable and perfectly ok. I sense that you may think this to be somewhat antithetical to what many perceive as the promiscuity of the "gay lifestyle", which may explain why you may feel alone with that sentiment, and to a certain extent it does go against the grain, so to speak.

Just a few words of caution are called for (surprise!), if you focus on the marriage part, or the long-term relationship part instead of focusing on finding a friend who could possibly become more, you may rush into commitment because you are eager to get into that arrangement. It's the rushing, the eagerness on your part that you have to be careful about. In the rush to commit, you may have blinded yourself to some issues that you should have paid more attention to.

By all means, marry the right person! Just be very sure that you have indeed found the right person...

 

I was just commenting on a article by a gay male who bemoaned the fact that so many of us want to settle down and have kids. He had the weird idea that there were now sex police saying that everyone has to be monogamous.

No you are not alone there are lots who want what you do. Just be advised that not all gay males feel the same way.

 

It is a mixed bag.

My guess is most here who married a hetero would have less reservations about marriage again, but there will be some who would never marry again.

Personally, I do not need a ceremony to commit to somebody.

Bigger concern is can you commit and stick without a ceremony...

I can understand LGBT having trust issues as discrimination of past leaves scars.

 

Tend to agree with skiff. But will add marriage brings legal protections to the couple which are important and make marriage critical in many circumstances (economics, residency, health and death rights, etc).

 

I just wanted to add how incredibly HAPPY I am that we all now have the option to get married to whomever we love. Not to get all cheezy but the day of the SCOTUS rulings was one of those days that made me proud to be American.

The out couples I know that are my age are almost all in LTRs and/or married...so I think you wanting to end up there someday too is completely normal. Just like not all heteros want to be monogamous, the other way around applies as well - just because someone is gay doesn't mean that they have to be non-monogamous!

 

Funny, the idea of marriage never meant anything to me before I came out, but since I came out, I do have fantasies of getting down on one knee and asking a woman to marry me, if I ever do find that right woman. I was never a romantic as a het, but as a lesbian, I really have that streak. I also have a ten year old and and an eight year old, and I have discussed the idea with them, that it wouldn't be anytime soon, but that I could get married again some day, and that would mean two moms, and no, there was no chance it would be to a man. Marriage is not something to rush into, but I am thinking that many of us in this area for older gays, already realize that. I don't think that it's unreasonable to think that you could fall in love with a man and marry him in the future at all. I'm sure that there are many like minded men out there.

 

No, you are not alone in wanting a monogamous long-term relationship, where the emotional component is more important to you than the sexual component. Just as there are heterosexual men who want that stability with a wife and kids, rather than picking up and constantly banging on different women, even if they get married, there are gay men looking for "love" and a family instead of perpetual new sexual conquests. I know such people, many of whom are already married under the new laws, some of whom act like they are old married couples without benefit of a marriage contract, because they got used to being monogamous without one. They are harder to find, because selling stuff to them isn't as good a business model as running a gay bar and having a crowd that comes in, buys drinks, and keeps doing it for years until they are so old that nobody wants to dance with them any more. (!) :lol:

A lot of gay men simply abstain from having sex with other men much longer than their heterosexual counterparts simply because a) it is harder to find each other, b) society encourages hetero sex and saturates the media with images of hetero couples in love as a marketing tool, and c) homophobes drive gay men and women underground with their laws which protect homophobes in control of employment opportunities and housing and the other "normal" needs that gay people have. It is hard to find someone to love who is in the closet just as you are and not out there actively marketing themselves for immediate sexual purposes; easier to find the ones who are, since they are visible and therefore set the stereotype that homophobes like to assign to every gay man as "common knowledge".

The most important thing to remember is that YOU want a husband and a family, so you are looking for someone else who also does, and not a serial hookup oriented man. You will have to look to organizations that attract such men, and not the other kind. It is normal for YOU to be with a man who has the same kind of values as you. You might be more likely to find him in a church that is gay-friendly, or a meet-up group that is oriented to sports or social activities instead of a dance bar.

 

No, you are not alone in wanting a monogamous long-term relationship, where the emotional component is more important to you than the sexual component. Just as there are heterosexual men who want that stability with a wife and kids, rather than picking up and constantly banging on different women, even if they get married, there are gay men looking for "love" and a family instead of perpetual new sexual conquests. I know such people, many of whom are already married under the new laws, some of whom act like they are old married couples without benefit of a marriage contract, because they got used to being monogamous without one. They are harder to find, because selling stuff to them isn't as good a business model as running a gay bar and having a crowd that comes in, buys drinks, and keeps doing it for years until they are so old that nobody wants to dance with them any more. (!) :lol:

A lot of gay men simply abstain from having sex with other men much longer than their heterosexual counterparts simply because a) it is harder to find each other, b) society encourages hetero sex and saturates the media with images of hetero couples in love as a marketing tool, and c) homophobes drive gay men and women underground with their laws which protect homophobes in control of employment opportunities and housing and the other "normal" needs that gay people have. It is hard to find someone to love who is in the closet just as you are and not out there actively marketing themselves for immediate sexual purposes; easier to find the ones who are, since they are visible and therefore set the stereotype that homophobes like to assign to every gay man as "common knowledge".

The most important thing to remember is that YOU want a husband and a family, so you are looking for someone else who also does, and not a serial hookup oriented man. You will have to look to organizations that attract such men, and not the other kind. It is normal for YOU to be with a man who has the same kind of values as you. You might be more likely to find him in a church that is gay-friendly, or a meet-up group that is oriented to sports or social activities instead of a dance bar.

 

No, you are not alone in wanting a monogamous long-term relationship, where the emotional component is more important to you than the sexual component. Just as there are heterosexual men who want that stability with a wife and kids, rather than picking up and constantly banging on different women, even if they get married, there are gay men looking for "love" and a family instead of perpetual new sexual conquests. I know such people, many of whom are already married under the new laws, some of whom act like they are old married couples without benefit of a marriage contract, because they got used to being monogamous without one. They are harder to find, because selling stuff to them isn't as good a business model as running a gay bar and having a crowd that comes in, buys drinks, and keeps doing it for years until they are so old that nobody wants to dance with them any more. (!) :lol:

A lot of gay men simply abstain from having sex with other men much longer than their heterosexual counterparts simply because a) it is harder to find each other, b) society encourages hetero sex and saturates the media with images of hetero couples in love as a marketing tool, and c) homophobes drive gay men and women underground with their laws which protect homophobes in control of employment opportunities and housing and the other "normal" needs that gay people have. It is hard to find someone to love who is in the closet just as you are and not out there actively marketing themselves for immediate sexual purposes; easier to find the ones who are, since they are visible and therefore set the stereotype that homophobes like to assign to every gay man as "common knowledge".

The most important thing to remember is that YOU want a husband and a family, so you are looking for someone else who also does, and not a serial hookup oriented man. You will have to look to organizations that attract such men, and not the other kind. It is normal for YOU to be with a man who has the same kind of values as you. You might be more likely to find him in a church that is gay-friendly, or a meet-up group that is oriented to sports or social activities instead of a dance bar.

 

I want a wife! I relate here but the other way around! I've always just wanted a cute girlfriend but I've recently thought about what having a wife would be like.. It seems so beautiful to me! I am so happy that gay marriage is on its way to being legalised here in Australia.. We still have a bit to go before anything changes but our wanker prime minister can't hold it down forever!

I am excited about this scientific thing too! It does seem a little off though.. But if it's the only way we can have biological children and they grow up without complication then I guess I'd be open to it! To quote the movie I can't think straight: I want that one woman who makes my heart skip when I hear her key in the door! And I'll do my best to find that one girl! xx

 

I'm just looking forward to being completely out so that I can be in a position to be with the "right one" when he comes along.

 

If I found the right guy, I'd have no reservations at all about getting married. What could possibly be abnormal about wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone.

 

Absolutely nothing wrong angel.

 

I know a couple of older guys through a support/discussion group (one in his early 60s, one in his 70s), and they seem to be either mystified or generally disinterested in marriage, and treat it basically as something those crazy youngsters would do. (And being lumped in with the youngsters is a weird feeling, considering I'm 53!) Both of them were sexually active before AIDS, made the most of it, and AIDS apparently made them a little more cautious about what they did and who they did it with, but their attitudes towards monogamous relationships were clearly well-formed already.

The older guy lived basically every stereotype imaginable and had several long-term relationships, all of which were very open and non-exclusive. The younger (relatively, at least) one sounds like he screwed every woman in sight before he got married, discovered men during the marriage, had plenty of gay sex before they split, and had a couple long-term relationships after that, both with plenty of extracurricular activities. I wouldn't call either one of them relationship-shy by any means--in fact, they're mighty enthusiastic about them. But marriage just isn't their thing, fortunately and with good reason. If gay marriage makes people like them, albeit 20 or 30 or 40 years younger, feel compelled to find a partner and get married, that would be really unfortunate. It's no better than some straight playboy type feeling that he should get married, because it would be unfair to whoever he married, and really, to him as well. They're just not wired that way. It's not good or bad, it just IS.

I spent the first half of my life convinced that a marriage and kids was what you did. It never came across as Nirvana, just as the expectation of how people behaved and lived. I often fantasized about having kids, but it was a struggle to think about having a wife! I assumed that I just wasn't interested in casual relationships and would recognize the right woman when I met her, and everything would fall into place. It sort of happened that way, although I mistook the rush of emotion and excitement as love and being straight at last, not realizing that the high would dwindle over time because I just wasn't straight and never would magically switch, "right woman" or not. I never had any guys on the side or cheated on her; I still have special, caring feelings for her, and although she's a very challenging person, I expect to have a special bond with her till the day we die. She just isn't a guy, so there's only so far it can ever go.

When I started coming out, marriage was only an option in a couple states, mine definitely not one of them, and I had no fantasies about a big gay wedding. Then I met a guy who made me feel everything I'd felt for my wife, but on a much deeper mental and emotional level that I know now that I could only feel for a guy, and we were talking eventual marriage in a legal state within a few weeks of meeting one another. It wasn't really something that came out of coming out, but rather from who we were and what we felt for each other. The marriage ruling has solidified that, along with getting to know several actual married couples (one guy who I was friends with right here on EC and who just got married a couple weeks ago!). There are a lot of situations related to my straight marriage that will need to be resolved before that happens, but it WILL happen, and we're both very definitely the kind of guys who "should" get married. It will enhance our relationship and our love for each other, rather than making us feel boxed in the way it would for our two older friends.

If I hadn't met my partner, I think I might have had marriage in my mind as a happy possibility that I didn't really expect to ever see, but would have been willing to do if I met the right person. I also know that it's not for everyone and I hope it doesn't become some kind of expected thing that people feel forced into simply because now they can.

So after all that rambling....no gasian, you're definitely not alone! Just make sure you are looking for a person first, not a wedding. My partner and I are totally wired for monogamy, and when we met, there was an almost instantaneous click that made us both know we were perfect for each other. We wouldn't have settled for less, so don't sell yourself short and try to settle for someone who might seem suitable, just because you really want a relationship or marriage. Look for a friend and a bond, and get married because you want the marriage with THAT person, not with SOME person. (*hug*)

 

The word "Marriage" is as subjective a word as "god", ruined by conservatives everywhere.

"I believe in traditional marriage. I am on my 5th". Or "God is love, but hates the LGBT".

I do not care about the word marriage, but trust, honor, commitment and monogamy matter to me. Marriage no longer means that. The word is corrupted and an illusion.

Duh!!!!!

But oh the legal and tax benefits.

 

I think other peoples' perception of what marriage is may be corrupted, but I wouldn't say the institution itself is. I think marriage means what you want it to mean. I've had one marriage that was just crap and didn't last a year and was in a ltr of 14 years but not married. I would still get married again if I found the right person but that's because I believe in the ideals of marriage. Straight, gay or whatever, ANYONE can make a perversion of it all.

 

Very true. The "one man, one woman" pushes "traditional" marriage, but conveniently ignores the fact that up until recently, traditional marriage could be an awful lot like one man BUYING one woman. Love was often something that came out of marriage rather than being what prompted it. Heck, my grandparents' marriage 80 years ago was basically a business deal--he was a widower with newborn twins and 2 other kids under age 4, and she was pushing 30, single, and part of the same ethnic community. They married 3 months after Wife #1 passed. Hardly a love match (although they pumped out 4 more kids so I guess they did what was expected).

Conservatives haven't corrupted marriage; they've just made it mean what they want it to mean, which isn't that different from the recent generations that changed it from a rather businesslike arrangement that eventually might lead to love, to a love relationship that was then being made into a legal one. (In that respect you could almost say they're not being very conservative at all!) They basically just want to add heterosexuality as a requirement along with trust, honor, commitment and monogamy--all of which are pretty recent developments (and obviously they're losing that battle anyhow). What they've done is equate legal marriage with "holy matrimony" in the eyes of their churches, which is misleading and assumes everyone believes what they do.

I see marriage as public, legal validation of my love for someone, which is a pretty modern concept when you come right down to it. I'll marry my partner so we can say that in the eyes of the law, we are a unit, and the world can damn well accept us as one. And so that if he gets hit by a bus his Southern Baptist dad won't try and take away my rights to make his medical decisions, and care for him, or bury him and grieve for him. I'm not going to go all sour grapes on marriage because a small and vocal group is trying to exclude me. We are only victims of society if we focus on the bad and whine about it, instead of appreciating progress and giving people credit for allowing their minds to be opened.

 

I think one of the best things I ever heard was when a comic was talking about gay marriage and basically said of course it should be legal. Why shouldn't they have the right to be as miserable as everyone else?