This was supposed to be a reply in another thread, but I reread the first post after I posted it, and realized that I had misunderstood it the first time around, so I deleted it, but thought that maybe others may relate, so I am making a new thread for the subject. I myself was extremely promiscuous, mostly with men, for over ten years of my life. The things that I fantasized about, while having sex with all of those men, couldn't have been more gay though, and for me, I couldn't admit my desire for women, no matter how high or drunk I was, so that when I did sleep with women, it was only if they were brave and determined enough to tackle me for the night, and they weren't someone that I connected with or pursued. With men, I was always the one who did the picking up.....my point is, that this doesn't make me any less gay. What we did before coming out, doesn't make us any less gay, bi or transgendered today.
I wonder how powerful denial can be? Since I had my "Oh, I actually REALLY like women - it's not just a constant fantasy - it's my truth" moment, I see how "meh" I've felt about sexual encounters with men. Not to say I haven't had "good" sex with men - I have. But "good" and "great" were measured only against the sex I had already had. I think being open and game to have good sex with an individual is a different thing than being sexually attracted to a person.
I 100% agree, and I've never understood the mindset, which seems to be particularly prevalent among lesbians, that if you are anything less than "gold star" (meaning, never had sex with the opposite sex) that you are somehow less "authentic" or "pure" a lesbian than your counterparts. That's exclusionary and hurtful.
So my two cents...I married my first and only boyfriend. Have only kissed him, have only had sex with him. This is all I know. I grew up in a conservative religious house is the Midwest. Was born to be married, make babies and keep a really neat home. I didn't date in high school, didn't do much of anything. Actually let me take that back, I fell in love with my best friend in high school but was so afraid of what I was feeling I pushed it deep down into the inner corners of my mind and just thought we had an awesomely close friendship. Never physical between her and I---although I would have be scared as hell but would have welcomed it. Was too afraid to admit loving her Bc that would mean I was gay...and I seriously cannot be gay. No way. I would totally go to hell. Also taught see before marriage was bad, sin and would be going to hell for that too. So seriously loving a woman and thinking about having sex before marriage I was doomed :/. So here I am almost 40 and I admit to myself that yes women kinda do something for me( more like women are amazingly beautiful fantastic creatures that I wish to know everything and anything about). I feel like I am a teenager, having these feelings---but being kinda trapped Bc I am married to a man. I really kinda dread sex with my husband and feel kinda happy the longer we go without. Never truly enjoyed sex, just thought it was the way things were supposed to be and I need to accept it. But with women, entirely different ball game. I have felt things I never imagined possible once I allowed myself to accept its ok to want to be with a woman...it's ok to be in love with a woman. Now I wish u could turn back time to my single days, do some dating, some living life. But I cannot. So some days I wish I guess I was a little bit more experienced so I would know a bit more...Bc right now all I know is one person, one way, one life. Frustrates and saddens me, but it is the life I chose (even if I chose it Bc of conditioning or out of fear...).
I think that many men and women have this same fear, and I am sure that you will do great. I have advice you could try, and to me it's great, but maybe I am not supposed to say stuff like this in this forum, but I've read the rules, so hear goes. LOL. If you watch lesbian porn, I think you would get more comfortable about the different things that can happen, and you will also see a lot of different things in detail, which will help you be able to flesh out your own sexual fantasies (in your head), and I would think that would give you a lot more confidence...and the whole process has the added benefit of being very enjoyable. :icon_wink (!) ---------- Post added 14th Aug 2015 at 04:35 PM ---------- I am so on the same page as you with this
As much as I understand the desire to honor one's commitment, staying is seldom ever for the best. Why deny yourself the chance to TRULY be happy. Yeah the relationship ending can cause collateral damage but none worse so than within yourself. That's a long, lonely life to want something so bad and yet feeling like you're not "allowed" to have it. I hated seeing my relationship end, but then as I reflect and see that my hugest celeb crushes have all been guys, I was head over heels for a male friend in my teens (him straight tho), and just seeing how my relationships with girls just "happened"......I just knew that I HAD to be out or I would go crazy from the longing.
This is hardly a new thing with lesbians. They did that in the 1980's they just called it something else. I used to fight with them all the time that i knew I was a lesbian from little on but fought it but because I did not embrace it right away and was with a man i was not a real lesbian. I have been a open lesbian for over 29 years now. So much for their clams that i was not a real lesbian. Some of the "real" lesbians went to men.
Yeah, that's me too. Well, until my current relationship started, 8 years ago. I was chasing some ideal but I could't admit to myself that my ideal actually involves women not men. So I rushed into relationships with men but got always gradually dissapinted, which usually happened after first time having sex with them But I couldn't admit to myself that something was wrong, so I convinced myself that I'm still ought to find the "right man", but this started being more exhausting than fun, and I started getting depressed and numb inside. That's why I'm so angry with all that stupid propaganda about "it's normal for women not to have orgasm or not to enjoy sex" and that thankfully gradually disappearing but still prevalent image of married couple where the man wants to have sex all the time and the woman has no interest in having sex just because "this is how married women are". Being socialized around these concepts I concluded I'm just one of those women and it's all fine and normal. Just couldn't understand how others could be so excited about sex. I nearly always preferred to go for a beer with my boyfriend rather than having sex. ---------- Post added 15th Aug 2015 at 12:29 PM ---------- Yeah, I see this exactly the same way. And I've been wondering about the same thing, how come some of us were so "successful" at lying to ourselves about our true feelings. For me, part of the answer might be that I've been so afraid to act differently than what I've seen around me as the only accepted norm. I tried to define myself looking from the outside, as if there was this list handed to me and I could choose only what was on that list to create who I am.
This feeling different from other women and the identity related confusion sounds very familiar to me too. I've never been very masculine though, neither feminine, so I guess I'm that in-between type. I've always been pushed by parents but especially boyfriends to appear more feminine, but it was never me. Also when I was a child I was really shy and cried a lot, and I'm still very sensitive and enjoy my alone time, but in comfortable social settings when I get into it, I tend to be very outgoing and my humour is not necessarily along the lines of what people expect from women, and when I'm out with guys I feel really good until they start mentioning feminine stereotypes and putting me in that category. It just feels so off then.
I always hated when around other guys and they would talk about how some girl is sexy and stuff and I just never shared that same fervor they seem to have. I could see that yeah maybe she was attractive but I just never seemed to lust the way they would. ---------- Post added 15th Aug 2015 at 03:36 PM ---------- I always knew I felt more comfortable around girls but I just used to chalk it up to my disdain of male machismo and a preference for just thinking I was more "evolved" than the other guys I knew.
this all reminds me a lot of myself ---------- Post added 15th Aug 2015 at 06:17 PM ---------- I can only imagine, It sounds like a bit of a nightmare.
Yes, I had the same issue when my female friends used to talk about "hot guys", I was usually just "meh" - but I rationalized this away by considering myself really picky. Also when I was single I've always had these strong obsessions/infatuations towards some guy all the time (I'm still struggling to understand what those were, was it love or obsession - which adds to my confusion), and then I concluded that's why I'm not attracted to other men. But I wasn't attracted physically to the object of my current obsession either...That only started to become clear after getting intimate with them. But then I found other ways to rationalize that away too. I also feel more comfortable around guys, when in a group. In the last years I even avoided to be around girls because it made me feel so uncomfortable and I couldn't realize why... But now, after I finally accepted that I could actually be gay (finally allowed myself to think about it) interestingly that uncomfortable feeling dissapeared, I'm just very shy sometimes around girls I like Anyway, with all this I'm still constantly bargaining with myself about my sexuality and it's getting exhausting...
I've just decided that in the wake of my recent split, I need to just work on me for a little while. Get myself together and just get used to finally being out. Its not like I'm screaming it from the mountaintops but to be single and to just know that from this point forward I can move on and not have to cling to that image of being straight for anyone else....it feels really good.
